Back home!

This is definitely one of those times in life I want to freeze. I am so grateful.

I have my best friends. I've enjoyed a fantastic holiday with my family. Dave is back. Everything is going well with school and work. I have 10 new pants and 3 shoes.

The only complaint is that I don't have money left after japan.

Tis the season to be reminiscent and emo. It's been some fucking year for me. Transfers, internships, pulling up my gpa.

There have been wars. Sparta moments. Questioning who I am and what I believe in.

2007 was the year of the Ian. The year the boy finally grew up.

Coming back from Japan I realised we've got to snap out of thinking we live in a small village. We've got to go out there and find out what makes us really happy. This year has been that for me. Making big decisions for my life. In a big city like Osaka, you're just one little shit in the pond. The only way you stand out is if you chase something you want, not something that someone tells you to do. It could be a dream to pursue your passion, to live somewhere, to try something, to find real love. Whatever it is we're sometimes in the fucking matrix and we swim like tuna fish in a school. We just swim and swim cuz everyone else is swimming.

If you're reading this, maybe you know me or you don't. But just know I mean it at the bottom of my heart when I say to go and fucking chase the thing you want the most. Fuck the matrix. Find yourself and be happy.

The last few days have been so great.

Got to catch up with Shiqin over supper. Hungout with Dan to buy more CDs. Watched the Golden Compass with Lionel and Min. Supper with poon and bnut. Da paolo's with Eric and Gabe. Barracks with Dz and Sil. Arab street with Cheryl Chloe and her omg DAMN cute baby boy. I am so so glad I've finally had the time to see all my good friends and have solid chill time to catch up with them and enjoy some time together.

I mean seriously what is more important in life that the people you love.

The icing on the cake is the trip to Japan next tues. I can't wait to hangout with dave and mike. It will be the first time in months we'll get to hang out in a complete set. I cannot wait.

It was so good to sit around with eric and gabe in silly santa hats and just talk nonsense over good pizza. Later at dempsey when me, sil, dz an di finished dinner ]we took a walk to Ben & Jerry's. Dempsey was lit up with fairy lights and the huge christmas tree, and I was carrying a Christmas tree lolipop that sil and dz gave me, only then did I realise how close christmas is. Tis the season to be jolly.

I went to bloomberg for the training course today. OMG THEIR PANTRY HAS FREE FLOW KETTLE CHIPS, YAKULT, MEIJI MILK, FLORIDA'S NATURAL, CUP A SOUP AND HERSHEYS. Did I mention the kettle chips?

Haven't had time to rest the last few days. Have so much to do. Sunday went for the Sony Ericsson concert and GOT TO GO BACKSTAGE TO SEE WANG LI HOM. *fangirl scream* Ok that was actually my mom, who said she wanted to marry him when he started playing the violin. I hope my dad doesn't read my blog.

Sent a cover letter and resume to Bain yesterday. Got a ultrafast 24 hour turnaround reply:

"Dear Ian,

Thank you for your email application to Louis.

After a careful assessment of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to initiate discussions with you at this time.

We have been fortunate to have received a large number of applications from outstanding candidates like yourself, and have had to make a decision on whom to interview based on relative differences in individuals' skills and experiences.

I want to congratulate you for your past accomplishments and to thank you sincerely for allowing us the opportunity to evaluate your credentials. We wish you all the best in your career"

They sound so politically correct its like you almost want to thank them for giving you the boot. Oh well. Let's be realistic. My grades aren't above 3.5 and SMU is definitely no ivy leaguer. As they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you want to earn more money. Wait a sec.

I got my sociology results back! A-. K la abit lower than i expected but whatever. Just damn glad its over.

Anyone for a china trip next year? I'm thinking of doing this LSE-Bei Da (peking university) program. Will be so fun if I can get Shiqin or Ben to go with me.

http://www.oir.pku.edu.cn/LSE/index.html

Yesterday we just finished our exams. So today can sleep in right? NOT.

OMG Ann Vogel emailed us to say we have to come to school in the morning TODAY to check our grades and see our papers because she's leaving on tuesday. So grudgingly I got out of bed to go to school.

When I got there, there was this oh-so-hostile DO NOT DISTURB postit on the door so I did a keblakangpuseng out of the office area until I saw a carboard box near the door. Lying inside were our piles of exam papers and essay papers abandoned like baby kittens. mew.

So I took a look at my exam paper. K la not bad. Then I saw my essay paper, which had a madhouse weightage of 35%. 35 marks it read. Ok la not bad since it's upon 50. As I flipped through the other papers I realised no one got 40 and above. Huh wtf her marking is so strict I thought.

Then I saw the grading outline and I realised it was upon 35. HUH??!!!! WTFFFFFFF YOU MEAN SHE GAVE ME A PERFECT SCORE????!!!!

And there it was. My little oh-so-spartan moment of glory. My spotlight-on-mr-bean second. My mini happy new year party.

I was especially proud because I FUCKING WORKED my ass off for this paper. Ann Vogel also happens to be one of the most demanding professors in the history of demanding professors. I can tell you honestly she's very intimidating, but I am grateful to her because really gave me excellent advice for my paper. I'm also damn happy because although I normally do better at my business modules, I made a commitment to improve my social science skills, and finally my effort has shown. For a social scientist, a research essay is probably the most important tool in explaining a theory, and I'm quite proud of this one I wrote.

It's been a term to test my stamina because social science isn't like a math or science or business module. There's no hard and fast rules, and there's no telling if you're on the right track during the term because the research paper carries so much weight. I never thought I could do well at it, but this term has really made me optimistic.

I have worked so hard this term. And I am praying that its going to translate into my results. We'll have to wait and see.

SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

FINISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

SPARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

As I flipped over the exam question paper and read the questions I WAS OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG THANK GOD DEBBIE SENT ME THE PROJECT PAPERS SO I CAN CUT AND PASTE EVERYTHINGGGG OMG AUGUSTINE EAT YOUR PAPER THANKSSSSSS DEBSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! The econs exam was open laptop so me and Gabe compiled the one glossary to rule them all and collected all the other groups papers. When I saw the questions I wanted to scream and cry and hug gabe but communication between candidates is prohibited.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

ITS OVERR!!! Me and Gabe were shouting "Freedom" like 10 times from the sob toilet to the mrt station. Ok maybe 12 times. We took out our pent up frustration and newly established sense of emancipation (of we we) and shot the crap out of the velociraptors in the Jurassic Park 2 game at the arcade.

I AM SO DONE WITH REDBULL I SWEAR.

Today had 2 paperssss I swear GROSNESSS TO THE MAX. The first one was yucksfest '07 by our east german prof. I swear it was set by the gestapo. I felt like I bashed down the berlin wall and walked over to the west because the afternoon paper was the complete opposite. TOBIAS RETTIG IS THE BEST AND YOU HEARD IT HERE! Was writing like mad house cuz he was specific about what we should study. We heart toby and toby hearts us. Me and lionel thinking of sending him something from marks and sparks for christmas and maybe share with some of the rest. Nicest prof in the history of nicest profs.

Lionel's last paper on sat. Like ever. He's starting work at Shell in jan so this is it. Kinda sad isn't it? Hope we'll be in touch. But i think should be no prob cuz the Shell building is nearby which means we can go to central for jap food again with Min hahaha.

Its so wierd, Brig and Lin Ting are working at PWC 3 days after exams. Time seriousllllly flies.

The last time me, lionel, brig and lin ting met up we were interning at pdubs and having dinner after work. OMG will never forget dinner at cafe cartel. I was like an hour late, shack like shit, and all of us were carrying our act auditing laptop bags and pwc files. That day was pull-out day so I was carrying a ton of files with all the bloody financial statements in them when Lin Ting told me I wasn't supposed to bring the files out. HECK LA.

No wonder I'm not an accountant.

Today I was studying with X and X and we had this random idea of moving to X after we graduate. Me and X knew X would love the idea because even though he's studying business I bet he'd enjoy working with kids alot more. Made me think about my original plan to work at X after I graduate. Maybe I don't really like X that much. I dunno its hard to think about it really. Between X, X and X I still think that it was the best place I've worked at. I'll give it time to sort itself out. Whatever it is we've got the backup plan hahaha. X HERE WE COME! Wear red underwear shout loud loud XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!! moment.

I'm really happy for X that he got a job doing a brochure for X. This is another step up for him since last writing an article for X. He's definitely on his way.

I asked X and X to sign up for the X workshop with me. If I'm still sticking to my original plan of working at X after I graduate it would be nice to some experience knowing how to operate X. I think its a useful skill to learn because its such a basic platform.

Me, X and X signed up for the X challenge online. We only have one day to do it after exams wtf. Its abit annoying that I have to start working right after exams. And then its the X workshop on tues. HAHA OMG X is so going to slack while me and X do all the work I SWEARR. Kidding la X.

X wrote back to me yest to say that they are accepting applications. I'm really glad because I didn't think I'd hear from them. I really hate writing the cover letters because it does take up alot of time.

X's idea about going to X with X has made me think maybe I should do something fun this year. I'm still thinking of setting up X next year. It might take some time but I really will enjoy doing X as opposed to something which requires any thinking. THANK X ITS THE END OF EXAMS TMRW. Seriously damn tired. tXif. Hope I won't be too tired to go X with X after. Jiayouz to the max.

Thanks to the power of Visa, I signed up for the Introduction to Financial Statements course with INSEAD over the internet. It's like a revision for all the accounting stuff I've done in FA and PWC. Alan said that I'd have to read financial statements at Templeton so I thought it would be good to do a refresher course and slap something on my resume at the same time since I have nothing much to do during the hols.

It's been quite a madhouse year because I've been working like hell towards finance. If you use your index finger and cover the line which reads "bachelors of social science, major in psychology", there's no way you'd be able to guess what I'm majoring in from my CV. To make things more schizo, I made 2 different resumes so that my arty bohemian marketing side doesn't clash with my bureaucratic, corporate finance side.

Next year is going to be an even more madhouse year. Because I'm taking a term off, it's 4 internships back to back. Citi is not confirmed yet and I'm a little kancheong about the whole application thing because I'm such a damn planner. If they don't get back to me by Jan I'll prob have to email uncle kwang meng in HK or jeffrey in NY. To be honest I'd much rather go to citi HK or credit suisse NY because it would be alot more exciting, but I've got to take this last internship like my job interview, and chances are I'd rather work here over hk or ny.

I'm thinking even if it doesn't fall through, it would be nice if I just had some time to travel and maybe do some relief work in Africa. Ever since watching that Angelina Jolie documentary I realised that something so basic as food and water is so scarce in other parts of the world.

This term has been so draggy because I didn't have much to look forward to. But next term will be alot better because I am just looking forward to the end of it ha. The irony.

I seriously can't wait for the exams to end because:

1) its hard to be surfing for gadgets online and reading notes at the same time
2) we're going to Japan!
3) I need a new wardobe. And at the rate I'm going I'm going to literally need another one.
4) I need to catch up on my harvard finance lessons
5) I want to do that financial statements course with INSEAD
6) I am drinking too much red bull
7) my mac is getting gross but I have no time to clean it
8) I am sick of school and it means I'm one step closer to starting my internships
9) David is coming home
10) I need to jump start my exercise routine
11) Balancing youtube, studying, sleeping, msning and stoning is seriously a drag

Shack like shit.

Yesterday went to the kitchen to make my daily instant noodles. Dried them using the strainer till Mr Cockroach decided it was showtime and crawled from underneath the strainer to say hello while I was holding it. Of course the strainer went flying into the sink and so did my idea of having supper. My kitchen is like fucking jumanji. Tomorrow I expect to find a Hyena in my noodle cupboard.

Been having Thaiexpress 3 days in a row which would make it a turkey by today. I just got the orange card so that means I get 20% off when I eat there. The food is really nice. I swear on my life that the basil beef rice, yellow chicken curry and the honey chicken rice is damn good.

I bought a nice shirt from Fox today. I hate Fox usually because I feel like some of the clothes are malaysia quality. I need new clothes. Will shop after the exams. Mikey finished his A levels. Yay. I bought him a watch with a space invaders spaceship on it because it looks quite kanye / pharrel. Our taste is very similar except Mike's is more US and mine is more Euro.

I can't wait for the exams to be over. I've had a lonnnng 2007. Can't wait to go Osaka! I've #@$%ing worked my ass off this year and I deserve a timeout.

I had nothing to do on Friday so I called up Uncle Leslie's plastic surgery clinic to make an appointment with him to check out this pigmentation on my lip and a injection bump that I've had since I was a baby. I asked how much was the consultation. "Oh it's $150 for the first 20 mins," came the friendly reply from the receptionist. A hundred and fucking fifty what? Oh well.

So I went to see Uncle Les and saw all the dozen certificates of surgery he framed on the wall, next to the botox brochures and facelift files. When it was my turn he gave a surprised "What are you doing here?". I was like, "You need to help me out!". I said, "Ok so how much is it going to cost me?" He said normally he charges $4000 WTF but he'd do it free of charge. I was like, "Wait what do you mean?" He said we could pay in installments of ice cream. So I walked out with an appointment for 3rd of Dec and feeling quite lucky and grateful. THANKS UNCLE LES. I told mom and she said it reminded her of the time uncle ngoi did auntie vera's cancer surgery for free. It may be just a few hours of their time but it is still very kind of them.

Today was another weird medical / health day because i got a bad stomach ache all day. It's like someone kicked be in the b@!!$ seriously. I checked webmd.com and they say I have an STD or mumps. Didn't we get vaccinated against mumps?

When things go wrong. When the world is crazy. When there is too much anger. When there is too much hate.

Then there is only one thing that remains that really matters.

It is the thing that binds friends together.

The stuff that families are made of.

Or the bond that is shared between loved ones.

It is easy to forget.

And sadly we only remember it in difficult times.

But it is in difficult times that we see more clearly.

What is important and what isn't.

In just one year I've seen so many things.

All grown up now but never jaded.

Just wiser. More positive. More grateful.

Appreciative of whatever I have left.

Cherishing each moment.

Ready to defend what i believe in.

Ready to drop the world in a heartbeat.

For the only thing that means everything.

For the only thing that means anything.

After hearing Emmy Rossum's movie version of "Think of Me" from the Phantom of The Opera I went to search for the original Sarah Brightman version. Yikes all I can say is Sarah is the tops of the pops. Her vocals are amazing. I'm supposed to be finishing my sociology paper but I did a quick recording of the song, trying not to butcher it as much as possible. It's been some time since I sang a classical style song.

Think of Me - Ian

We always talk about doing a job we love or pursuing a passion or setting up our own business. I wish life were that simple. We forget that there are people we need to support. People who are going to fall ill. People who need our help. And more often than not these people are family.

My god sometimes I talk to my grandma and it's emo fest. She's not had an easy life. My grandfather died early. She's been sick before. And recently there's alot on her mind about my aunt who's got diabetes. Life is not perfect, and as I grow up I am learning you have to deal with it, otherwise it's going to deal with you.

Money isn't everything. But when you have to pay medical bills, rent, utilities and more, you begin to realize that there are some things that money can buy.

The truth is I hate to worry about money. It's like life is already so complicated, I don't want to have to worry about something as stupid as money. Maybe that's why it's important for me to get a good job. So I can just concentrate on working hard and doing my thing rather than how I'm going to make ends meet. I may not prefer doing a better paid job. But it may mean that me and family get to live easier. And that's real happiness.

My family has never been poor but even so I never take anything I have for granted. The biggest lesson that my grandma taught me is, "study hard. if you study hard we'll all get a big house to live in." And that house has to fit everyone I love.

I got an email from my sociology prof saying my paper looks promising! I'm quite happy really. I was SO struggling with coming up with a theory:



So there is is!! It's ok if you dunno wtf it means cuz sometimes I'm not really sure. But it's basically how power is perceived and influences decision making in the realm of international politics. Yeah it's abit wtf, but if it wasn't wtf we wouldn't call it social science.

In other oh so unexciting social science news my political science paper abstract came back and my prof said its potentially v interesting. Yaysish. I'm quite happy because Toby is my favorite prof this term and I'll be taking pol sci under him. Lionel and Norainee got the same grade as me for this so I'm happy for them.

After weeks of average grades I'm glad that my grades are picking up. LAST BURST OF FIRE.

Just finished my last presentation. International Econs. Was really good. Our project was on the subprime situation. The prof looked happy so that's the most important thing. My groupmates were really fun and I'm glad to have Shivika, Martina, Salman, Anriban and Gabe in my group. No way we could have been a better team. I really enjoy projectwork, especially if everyone has something to bring to the table. And in this case it was true. Last term Shivika was in my accounting class and she is so bright. So at the end of econs class I asked her to form a group with gabe and gang. I'm glad things turned out well. I think this has been my best project group so far. OK EXCEPT MARKETING HAHA.

Mom is back after heading to Las Vegas to see Dave, Toronto to see Sih-Ee, and I can't remember where for Auntie Grace's son's wedding. It's good to have her home. Especially now that our supply of instant noodles will not run out every few days and the fridge will be occasionally stocked with Florida's Natural. Sitting around the dining table at 1am and watching her explain her past 3 weeks in the US to us and Bap, I felt very lucky to have a family like ours.

Bumped into Naf today. OMG haven't seen her in like since summer started. She invited me for her wedding but I couldnt make it. The story goes she met a guitarist from the crazily popular european band called The Rasmus after their their concert, and to make a long story short, she's got a rock star husband. We said we'll meet up after exams. I can't wait to see what her husband is like. I better go d/l the songs just for reference. He's moved here and they've got a new flat coming up. He's venturing into music producing so maybe I'll hook him up with Uncle Keng Long because he's only like the biggest music producer ever here. Not say abit the 98.7 meets 93.3.

HAHA omg was thinking about babysitting norainee's baby while she was presenting in class. DAMN CUTE. Damn funny. Prof Toby was very nice about letting her bring Ameer to class. It was damn funny cuz Ameer bear would make noise unless someone rocked him. So I had to like carry him for half an hour while the presentation was going on. I swear I dunno how angelina jolie slings around her babies like a bloody gibbon cuz I was so shack after that. Haha omg and he loves seeing cars so I had to let him look at the traffic from the windows. It was so fun until I heard like a POOT noise twice and something started to smell like a dead carcass. Ok it wasn't so bad. Babies have that wierd baby poop smell. ARGH haha omg Ameer was damn cute. OMG I hate it when Norainee grabs Ameer's hands and goes "UNCLE IAN! UNCLE IAN!" hahahaha. I swear this mommy is the baby. Shit we're getting old.

Eric came over last week and we played guitars heroes 3 like mad. So I was thinking why not learn the real thing? So yesterday I went to peninsula plaza and bras basah to look for an electric guitar. Unfortunately the shops were closing so I didn't have time to pick one. Do you know for $180 you can get a guitar and an amp? WTF

So I borrowed Uncle Eug's hugeass Epiphone solid wood electric which came with a hugeass amp to go along with it. Thanks to youtube and other wierd internet marvels, I learned 3 chords. KNN it's not easy seriously. My fingers are chuided and on the verge of turning blue black.

PERSEVEREEEEEEE. I don't know if I spelt that correctly.

URGH I was walking to the kitchen to make my daily supper of instant noodles. So then I turned on the light and as usual, 3 lizards on different areas of the kitchen quickly dash out of sight. So then I head towards the noodle drawer when suddenly I felt something wet and squirmy wriggling under my foot. OMFG WTF IS THAT???!!! Turns out it was a #$%&ing lizard!! URGHHHH the poor thing must have been a teenage lizard cuz it wasn't big or small. And although it was still alive and in one piece I squeezed the bejesus out of it and it was motionless but breathing. BLEAAGHH At first I didn't realise the puddle of juice was from the lizard but then after it evaporated so quickly then I realised it was definately lizard lava. ARGHHHHHH. After that I totally didn't feel like eating noodles. PUKE. I'm sorry but WTF were you doing on the floor?! So thanks to Mr Lizard I'm not taking my daily MSG dose and I won't be eating instant noodles for a week in loving memory.

Ok at least its not as bad as the time i killed a cockcroach, forgot I killed it after an hour of ally mcbeal, and then stepped on the bubblegummy goodness. Moral of the story is be grateful you weren't born a pest.

I am not a full believer.

But if there is a God. I am grateful to him for my family and friends.

The people that can share my joy. The people that share my pain.

How else can you describe this? Maybe one word. Love.

What else in this world really matters? Nothing. Maybe except God himself.

I will figure that one out.

But for now I am just grateful.

And I say a prayer for that.

Tomorrow I'll visit Kai's family if I can after school. It's a twist of fate that he passed away a few days from his Birthday. I can imagine auntie seok yong and uncle chee chiang will be pretty down this period. Recently I've been thinking about Kai. The chengs used to drop off food or stop by to say hello sometimes, but not recently. I guess I haven't heard from them in awhile. It will probably open up old wounds. But I think we all miss Kai. By sticking together we keep that piece of him inside us alive.

On a happier note tomorrow Norainee is bring her son to class because her parents are unwell so they can't look after him. YAY! I am the designated nanny for tomorrow because she has to do a presentation in class, and I have exclusive rights to Ameer while she is busy. My god I love kids. I swear even if I had one now I'd be a good dad. I'd take him out every saturday just like bap used to take us out. I'd be good at reading, and I'd make make him watch spongebob with me.

Sometimes I wonder how the $#%& did my parents do such a good job. If they had an appraisal I'd give them full marks. My only gripe is that we never had soft drinks in the house when we were kids and they limited us to one ice cream a day. We always hold that against them haha. But other than that, I just don't know how they did it. I think I set the precedent as the elder brother by never letting them nag. OMG the times I had literally debates with my mom. Somehow we could always have a very rational debate. We were like the epitomy of ACJC VS RJ debate team. On the other hand, me and my dad would argue like ACJC VS RJ rugby team.

But I think at the end of the day I realized that my parents always gave me space, and they knew I could make decisions on my own. And that's why we have alot of respect for each other. Yknow if they were my age and I had never known them before, I think we could be friends. Ok. Weird.

Tough being a parent. But I'll be the first to sign up when the time comes.

Went jogging today for the second time in ages. Felt good. It just takes me 3 workouts to get me back in shape but somehow I feel tired or fall sick and then my routine gets screwed.

Uncle Norm got back to me and asked me to send my resume. He said it's going to be Sep/Oct:Toronto and Nov/Dec:Singapore because it will be too cold for me in the winter. I am so excited. I just hope I can do a good job. I'm really really looking forward to this. Thanks uncle norm!

Already, next year looks like a really busy year unfortunately. I'll be working 8 out of the 12 months at citi, o&m and templeton. Only citi is still in limbo so maybe it would be a good thing if I did volunteer work. Or took a break. Or not. Or maybe see if I can work for Jeffrey in NY. Whatever it is I just don't want to waste any time. It's like there's so much to do. I wish we had more time.

Just went for supper at newts with mike and baps. Nothing much else today. Just had my harvard finance lessons online and finished some internship applications. I think I must have sent out 30 cover letters since I came to SMU. I must say they look much better than they started. I mean 2.5 years ago I really had nothing to show for. It's really amazing what time can do.

I decided to take the Franklin Templeton offer. I think because I was more excited about working in Toronto and doing fund management than going to Cornell. I'm really sad I don't get to go to Cornell now, but I think it's abit too expensive. So my last 3 terms kinda looks like this now:

summer: citi/O&M
year 4 term 1: Templeton (2 months sg, 2 months toronto)
Year 4 term 2: stay in sg (GROSS)

Without Templeton I could have graduated 4 months ealier, but I don't think I can pass up the chance. I only get one shot to try everything before I graduate and I want to make sure I've made the right choice. Anyways Canada is a beautiful country to live in, and if I work at Templeton for 2 months here and there, I might have a chance to live in Toronto after I graduate. Jols, Weiyi and Serene are thinking of going there on exchange the same time I'm there so I hope we get to meet up.

Canada is a great place to live because the people aren't rude and in your face like the Americans. They're very civilized like the Europeans, except more tolerant to other races. You know just thinking of Vancouver makes me happy. Both Vancouver and Toronto are ranked very highly on a table of countries with the best quality of life. It will be nice to go back. Me and Weiyi talk about going back all the time.

Nothing is confirmed until I sign my contract and get on the plane so I'm trying not to think about it yet. I'm just grateful I've worked my ass off the last 2 years so I don't have to worry about all the nitty gritties anymore. A few months ago I'd be stressing out about the details and "OMG am I going to do this or that when I graduate?". Haha it's weird just reading how I got so worked up. But heck that, time to relax, keep doing my thing, and watch how things unfold.

Long day. Was in school from 11-10pm to do econs. Then supper with the Specs at Holland V. Bumped into one of the Citibank relationship managers from Khazakstan there.

Auntie Seok Yong smsed me today to say the family is going up to KL this weekend. I suppose since mom went away she's been on "standby" just in case we needed anything.

It's Kai's birthday. Which means it's about a year since he passed away. Time flies. I feel alot more grown up in the last year. I don't think feel like a kid anymore. Definitely not jaded. Just a little more weathered. Wiser. More determined. Less uptight (probably not, ok maybe less). Slightly more opinionated. Alot more balanced.

Kai, I don't think we are going to forget you anytime soon. When I think of you I remember the ACS i version. The good old pole vaulting days. I lent ky my running spikes today and immediately I thought of the good times. Those were really good times yeah?

On one hand I'm sentimental about the good times. But most of me is just ready to embrace "now", to make the present count. To cherish my family and friends now. To keep trying my best and looking ahead.

Mom just called from Canada because she's visiting her sis and soon she's off to visit Dave in LV. She said Uncle Norm is at the Franklin Templeton HQ in San Fran so if I want to do an internship with them I have to e-mail her back by today. MY god there's no time seriously. With 2 papers due and 2 mid terms next week I don't have much time to think about this. As it is I planned a back to back citi and O&M summer so there's no time there. And after that it's Cornell hopefully. I have to cancel something.

The thing about the Templeton internship is that they will give me 2 months in sg and fly me to the Canadian head office (Toronto) for another 2 months. Chances are if I postpone this shit I don't know if I will get the chance again. Now or never. However, if I take it, I'll have to graduate with everyone else instead of graduating earlier. And bye bye Cornell. And I was really looking forward to that.

so it's down to:

summer: citi/O&M
year 4 term 1: Cornell
Year 4 term 2: Templeton (if the offer still stands)
or
summer: citi/O&M
year 4 term 1: Templeton
Year 4 term 2: stay in sg (GROSS)
or
summer: templeton/O&M
year 4 term 1: Cornell
Year 4 term 2: Citi (if they remember my face by then)

In short I think no matter what choice I make I'm still going to feel abit sick for giving up something.

Tomorrow there's this Cornell talk on. SMU established some partnership with them so apparently we can go on exchange there. And even more importantly, get a chance to transfer there. All those feelings about transferring university again. Sometimes I think why the hell did I stay in SMU when I could have used my SAT scores to get into a good school in the states. But then there's no way I would have done all the things I've done here. Here I've milked my opportunities dry. I've learnt alot about myself.

I was watching that video about poverty and I thought it would really be fulfilling to do humanitarian work. And then I thought about Cornell. I had a brangelina moment where I thought maybe I could transfer and do political science there. And after that work for the UN in Africa. Not a serious thought. But one of those "what if" moments. If life was just about me maybe I'd risk something like that. But obviously we have a responsibility to family. So we give up helping others to help our own. I suppose its a choice most of us make.

Oh well I hope the talk is good news. I hope they don't pick people based on GPA again. Understandably it's because it's Cornell. But GPA doesn't really mean much if your life skills are zilch and that's not going to make Cornell any easier. Yeah I'm bitter. Please you goddamn beurocratic bitches, just accept my B+ average. I promise I'll make Cornell more happs. Corns I mean.

Tomorrow there's this Cornell talk on. SMU established some partnership with them so apparently we can go on exchange there. And even more importantly, get a chance to transfer there. All those feelings about transferring university again. Sometimes I think why the hell did I stay in SMU when I could have used my SAT scores to get into a good school in the states. But then there's no way I would have done all the things I've done here. Here I've milked my opportunities dry. I've learnt alot about myself.

I was watching that video about poverty and I thought it would really be fulfilling to do humanitarian work. And then I thought about Cornell. I had a brangelina moment where I thought maybe I could transfer and do political science there. And after that work for the UN in Africa. Not a serious thought. But one of those "what if" moments. If life was just about me maybe I'd risk something like that. But obviously we have a responsibility to family. So we give up helping others to help our own. I suppose its a choice most of us make.

Oh well I hope the talk is good news. I hope they don't pick people based on GPA again. Understandably it's because it's Cornell. But GPA doesn't really mean much if your people skills are zilch and that's not going to make Cornell any easier.

I was watching stuff on the MTV website when I saw the link to the Angelina Jolie video. It showed her in Africa in some poor parts of the country and it's almost embarrassing to watch them live like that. While we are worrying about crystal jade or din tai fung, millions of people die from having nothing to eat.

When I was in Primary school I made a class newspaper called Go Green! which was about the preservation of nature. Back then I thought I would be a biologist and live in Africa. I wanted to save the world. I was an idealist. How things have changed.

It's not that we don't care for people, but we're so caught up in the game of our own lives that we forget that there is another reality out there. It makes you sad to see people living like this. But it's hard to pull ourselves out of the context of our little cubby hole in Singapore and see that life is not good for everyone.

Part of me has always been the bohemian, idealistic, humanitarian person, but is it too late to reclaim what's left? Please visit the links below and you can decide for yourself how you feel about these issues.

http://www.mtv.com/overdrive/?id=1509772&vid=61385

http://www.poverty.com/

Norainee's a mom. Naf is getting married on mon. Cheryl is talking about saving for a car and stuff. My god we're getting old.

I think very soon we have to realise that we have to carry more responsibilities on our shoulders, and the choices we make don't just affect us.

Gabe said I'd be happier doing something other than banking. I agree. I'd love to be an artist. Or a singer. Or a chef. Or a designer. Or maybe just a bum. Ok cancel last. But a job means alot more to me than just having fun. It's something that pays the bills. It's stability. It's also the frivolous things like prestige and status. But more importantly it's something that will let me take care of my family.

Anyone can get an average job and live an average life. I could live with that myself. Personally I am easily contented. But I don't want that for my family.

When my dad had a heart attack it's like we had to worry if we could keep the house and pay the bills. Even before that I remember we had to be so careful with our money during the recession years. Those days seemed like a different lifetime. And I never want that for my family. I never want to be in the position where I can't pay for someone's medical bills, or education. The thing about life is you can never be sure.

Gabe said he read an article about fathers making excuses for overworking, saying that they wanted to provide for their family. I think it's good he brought it up because that's a reality. I just feel sorry for these guys. If it's really just an excuse, then they must feel terrible lying to themselves. These things happen. But only if you let them. When I saw my boss from Citibank with his family, all well taken care of and still close to their dad. I knew it was possible. You didn't have to sacrifice family for success. This was how I wanted my life to be.

I think alot of people think certain jobs will suck the life out of you. But only if you let them. Watching my mom run 4 restaurants and still have time to take care of 3 kids and keep in touch with friends, I've seen that it's possible to juggle. That's why in my life I've always put people as my top priority, whether friends or family. And I don't ever fear I will lose sight of what I believe in.

Just watching friends in school, sometimes they get so busy they don't make time for their girlfriends or friends you would not believe. But then I remember that everybody has different priorities for life. And its important not to follow people when it comes to setting your priorities. Everyone should have their own set of goals, and stick to them no matter what.

I think if we limit ourselves we're only shortchanging ourselves and our family. No one gets the balance perfect, but you just have to always remember what you're fighting for, and be willing to give your best right from the start. I won't change the world. I can't make it a better place. I don't think I have enough power. But whatever it is, I'm going to make sure my family can enjoy life. And that's enough to make me happier than anyone.

Things have come to a crawl this week. Nothing much going on. Just ended the one week break. Did absolutely nothing useful. Should have taken a few says to go to HK.

Was woken up by a call this afternoon. Singtel. Shouting match round 16. I told the mofos 3 months subscription wasn't going to cut it. But I was no pissed off I decided to take $50 worth of call credit to make them shut up. I told them that wasn't the last they're going to hear of this because I still wasn't happy. To be honest, $50 is enough for my grandma to use for like forever, but what about the maids and banglas who get tricked everyday into buying Singtel/starhub/M1's plans? What happens to them.

This term has passed by so fast. It's the middle of the term already. This is probably the most un-fun term ever. I can't honestly say I'm doing anything great or fun this term. Ok except for the art auction and the finance course with harvard. I've hardly seen my best pals around. School is no fun without your pals. And alot of them have been missing this term. Part of me is pissed off people can be so busy they forget whats important. This isn't even fucking work yet. I mean honestly it wouldn't hurt to make a little time.

When Alfian and Kai passed away I was thinking. Life is so short. We better treasure everything and everyone. I suppose its not fair for me to expect people to feel the same way. I was supposed to visit Kai's family, and I can't believe its almost been a year already. Time passes doesn't it. I suppose this has been a big year of changes.

I know who I got my genes from. A few weeks ago my mom was saying my dad was quite upset that one of his best friends just all of a sudden stopped hanging out with their clique just because he moved to another church. This didn't sound like bap. "Oh yeah bah's always has expectations of his friends because he always makes the effort. He's all about the principles." Surprise surprise.

Part of me would have been pissed off if you asked me how I felt about this a year ago. But now I'm just so sick of bothering. The biggest reason why I stopped floorball was so I could spend more time with my friends and family and school. And I've come to realise not everyone has the same priorities. But I think its fair to make at least some time for the people who are closest to you.

When school ends. When there's no more class or projects or cca's or events or exams or whatever. Then what seriously? All thats really left is your damn friends. The real ones who didn't forget you in all the shit that was going on.

Ok so my article made it to the online edition of the Straits Times forum but wth. Online edition? Who reads that knnccb. And they gave my article a snip and trim.

http://www.straitstimes.com/ST%2BForum/Online%2BStory/STIStory_165733.html


Did you know you have to join CASE for a fee before you lodge a complaint? Who the fuck do they think they are?

http://www.case.org.sg/complaint.plx


I better not get into politics otherwise I'd just fire the whole of Singapore.

Yknow just when I thought I was getting over the craziness of summer, I saw the openings for Citibank internships for NEXT summer posted up on ontrac. WTH. They're even more onz about internships than me. Abit the out of hand seriously.

Since work ended I haven't escaped the clutches of Citi. I met up with my colleagues for lunch last week. Went for the citi talk a few weeks back. Bumped into my aunt from citi recently. Had dinner with 2 of my jc classmates in citi. It's been haunting me.

Spent the night writing my cover letter and resume. Like WTH right? it's not even 2008. But HR asked me to send it to them so they could fwd it to the right departments. I'm honestly abit annoyed I have to deal with this now. But I have no choice because the openings are coming. URGH. I hope they don't drag this.

Writing my cover letter, I realise that beyond the corporate propaganda that I was spewing at the citi career talk, I was really proud of the work we do at Citi. I read the cover letter I wrote, and it sounded like the best one I had written because it really came from my heart.

This is a big deal for me because I will probably be working for citi if I go into banking after graduation.

My parents are quite pumped up for the fact that I've got my foot in the door. "That takes a burden off us!" my mom said. But with the subprime mess unravelling who knows when the door is going to slam on my foot.

Recently I've been feeling like alot of change has been going on inside me. Especially after the craziness (busyness) of summer, I've had alot of time to just take things easy and figure things out abit. And it's been a good kind of change.

I've had time to re-evaluate my life, take stock, and iron out all the things that have been holding me back. It's been a great time for me to remember what's really important to me. Now it's just down to a few more things in the recycling bin before it's emptying time.

I don't know why I've been feeling alot of change recently. A strong and positive feeling about life. Maybe I just watched The Hills too much. Or maybe it was just about time I had a new lease on life.

"Mr Suren, 1 months subscription is not going to do anything for me. I'm still going to have to pay over a hundred dollars a year if I'm charged for incoming calls."

"I understand Mr Kwok, but we cannot waive the incoming charges. Otherwise we'll have to change the system. How about 3 months then?"

"Over the last 3 days I've wasted alot of time on the phone with Singtel, and it's taken alot of effort on my part to speak to 3 different lawyers about this matter. I don't want to make this a public matter, but you're going to have to come up with something better."

"Ok Mr Kwok I would like to solve this problem as soon as possible for you. How do you think we can help you? What do you suggest?"

"I don't want to spend more time on this matter and be calculating compensation. I believe you are a reasonable person. I have spent a great deal of time over this matter, and I believe you can come up with something reasonable. You think about it, and you give me a call by next week when you have come up with something."

I had a great day today. Watched "Balls of Fury" with Lionel after class and just had time to chit chat, walk about and have some fun. OMG we laughed so loud. Lionel has been a good friend of mine since we knew each other for 2 days of training at PWC. Just getting to know him as a good friend was worth 2 months of auditing. He starts work at Shell in dec so that should be great fun, however, that will mean I'm going to miss his company.

After that I went for Uncle Yeo's 80th birthday. What a special occassion. We were invited to Tower Club for a dinner with some of his closest friends. Many of his kids and friends gave really touching speeches about him. He has worked so hard to make sure all 4 of his kids can grow up without worrying about being provided for. And now they are all successful. What a legacy. And I only hope one day my family can same thing about me.

Dinner was great. Nat doesn't eat fois gras so I had 2 huge pieces. Lots of champagne. Excellent company with good old friends. I'm so happy for John. He made it to berkeley school of music. Sean is also doing great at business school. Nat and Jean are also in medicine. Alex is also having fun in Australia. It's so funny because I've always seen them like my younger siblings and now they're all grown up.

Auntie Bin was there. There's something about her that's extremely special. Like when she talks to you it feels as though nothing else in the universe matters. She recommended me for PWC so I'm very grateful. Felt nice to see her since I left pdubs.

Talked to Uncle Tongel about my Singtel incident over dinner as well. He's a lawyer so he would know. He said it was a case of fraud and misrepresentation. I spoke to my professor who is also a lawyer and he said the same thing. I will call Evelyn's mom (another excellent lawyer) just to make sure I am sure I am correct. Uncle Tongel was like, "Isn't your mom's old friend the Singtel no.2 guy? why don't you just email him instead." Oh. Good advice uncle tonge.

Growing up, and knowing all these aunties and uncles since yonks, you tend to take it for granted that they are all really very special individuals, all very dear friends. As I looked around, I realised how exceptional all these parents were. Hardworking, capable and loving people who have done all the best for their kids, who have made it in life, and who have kept their best friends. I just hope I can be anything like these very exceptional people, these people who I am grateful for as friends.

don't fuck with a kwok

-----Original Message-----
From: Ian KWOK Zhen Ting
Sent: Wed 10/3/2007 10:07 PM
To: Austin I PULLE
Subject: hi prof


Dear Prof,

I apologise for having to walk in and out of class several times today. This came from a dispute that I had to settle with Singtel, which brings me to the reason I am writing to you. Unfortunately this is beyond the scope of The Ethicist, and I have to consult you for your ethical and legal knowledge.

This story arose from the fact that I bought a new handphone for my grandmother to use. Before class, I decided to buy a Singtel mobile prepaid Hi card for my grandmother as it was a cheaper alternative to subscribing to a plan. My grandmother doesn't use the phone often so it's more to use in case of emergency.

The card wrote "Free Incoming Calls" and I thought how nice. I would get to make some savings on her incoming calls that way. But after using it for awhile I realised I was being charged for the calls. I checked the booklet that came with the card, and lo and behold, I saw the words "*terms and conditions apply" on the card, and in the booklet was the terms.

The terms stated that the "free incoming calls" were free if I paid a $0.60 subscription daily. Very upset, I immediately called Singtel to voice my displeasure with their terms. Most of their replies started with, "Oh but you didn't read the terms..", and most of my replies ended with 'I guess you cannot help me. I would like to speak to your boss."

After they played human ping pong with me 6 times, I was finally bounced to the head of the hi card department who said that she would look into the advertising and marketing regarding the wording, but there was nothing she could do except offer me a ridiculous $8 rebate. I told her this would not solve my problem of still having to pay the recurring charge. I have told them that they will have to solve my problem or else I will make this a public issue with case and the newspapers for their PR department to contend with. Alot of people are affected as well. I was just short of explaining to them what a rule utilitarian framework was.


Several points in contention:

1. yes it did state terms and conditions, but they were only laid out inside a booklet that was sealed with the hi card, which means we wouldn't have access to it. you can see the words "free incoming calls" from the outside nice and clear, but you have to open the packaging to read the terms.

2. it is fair for them to have terms and conditions, eg. "spend $20 and have free incoming calls", "subscribe to roaming and get free incoming calls", but it is not correct for them to make me pay a daily subscription specifically for the incoming calls because then they cannot be considered free by logic. Otherwise one could say "free mercedes SLK *oh but a monthly charge of $10,000 for it". One cannot pay specifically for something that is free.

3. they could have stated "unlimited incoming calls" with terms and conditions, instead of using the word "free" which necessarily means you should not be paying for it. If it is free by other terms such as a minimum usage/spending amount then it is ok because you are not paying for something which is supposed to be "free".



I believe it wasn't smart of me not to look at the booklet beforehand, but it wasn't readily available, and even if the terms were clearly stated, the definition of "free" was abused in this case. The funny thing was I told my maid about it and she was duped as well along with many of her friends. The foreign workers are the ones who really suffer from the way in which these pre paid cards are being advertised because they are the ones who use them. The worst part is that they are the ones who are most unlikely to lodge a complaint or make this a real issue. This poses a real problem because there are other service providers doing the same thing.

Even the people at Singtel agree they will have to have a look into their marketing. Free things with fine print is annoying enough, we don't need the big companies telling us that we have to pay for what is free. This is beyond what is legal or not, because it's just fundamentally wrong to charge people what they're not supposed to pay for. Singtel will be calling me back tomorrow.

Well just hope to hear your honest opinion. Thanks. I am honestly grateful for all your lessons, and unfortunately the staff at Singtel will have to face the consequences of ethics 101.


Best regards,

Ian

Felt like puking on the bus home today. Almost passed out walking home. Was in school the whole day to do my readings. Maybe it was just cuz I didn't have a proper lunch today. Whatever it is, just feeling really tired. Need a break. A long one. Unfortunately I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon. School is such a pain sometimes.

"Sian," I said to Serene. Just one of many "sians" we give each other. Where are my best friends when I need them. Sometimes I wonder who can you really count on. Just because you do your best doesn't mean that people are going to put in the same effort as you. The people that have never let me down are family. I owe it to them.

Been meaning to buy my grandma a handphone. But it will have to wait till Thursday. Just haven't had the time. I hope I can find one with big buttons on them so it's easier for her to press.

I wonder why people use facebook so much? It's not a very good substitute for company. And more often than not the people who are on it the most are the ones who hardly have time for their friends.

I got an ernie keychain today. Reminds me of my childhood. The sesame street days. I used to laugh like Ernie until my mom made me change my laugh. Not joking.

I'm on a msn sabbatical. Sam if you're reading e-mail me at ian.kwok.2005@socsc.smu.edu.sg

Time for bed.

Today I attended my first 2 finance classes with harvard and it's been interesting. The prof is engaging and subtly funny. They are recorded from the real on-campus classes and they are posted within 48 hours of the class.

Attended a TA session online on Wed morning (while I was actually supposed to be paying attention to my real-life econs class). Really just goes to show what technology can do for you. Behavioural finance is also part of the module so that's really interesting, especially for me as a psychologist because investor psychology is a new hot topic in finance.

I'm getting a real kick out of this because I can watch my lectures over lunch or anytime I'm free. The powerpoints are also synchronized with the videos so you can see exactly what the prof is showing. I'm really glad I signed up for this and I think I may do more modules like this in future if I can. Here's a streaming clip:


week 2 class

Q: How do you know that God exists by rational / scientific means?

A: How do you know how rain or space or the sun really came about? Science can't tell us that.

Q: Ok but wait we experience them through our senses and there is a large amount of things we do know about them. And btw you can't answer a question by saying that everything else doesn't really have an explanation either so its justifiable.

A: But if science can't explain how certain things come about, its clear that it's not a perfect method to understanding the world around us.

Q: You're right but we're humans, we can't be expected to be perfect, and science is the way we understand most of our world. So why does God not tell explain to us in our own terms?

A: That's faith. How else do you believe that everything around you is real although science does not explain them?

Q: But that's information liquidpaper. Do you mean to say we should fill in the loops in our beliefs by faith? The things around us we experience through our senses, so even though we don't have a clue how they come about, we know they do exist.

A: Which brings us back to our original discussion. You don't understand them fully but you still believe in them.

Q: Yes, but as I said, we experience them through our senses. We know alot more about soil, and trees, and kanye west than we know about God.

A: There are some things that are beyond our understanding.

Q: I just don't see why he can't explain things to us in our own terms. It's not our fault we're abit more dense. Assuming he made us, he knows we have limitations to our understanding of him. Why should he expect us to believe him?

A: Well God doesn't give us all the info cuz we're supposed to find it for ourselves. Otherwise where is the free choice and real belief?

Q: But if we're not capable of understanding him fully, beyond our human scientific understanding, how does he expect us to really believe him fully? It's like a father expecting his mentally disabled child to fully make sense of the world around him.

A: But that's faith.

Q: Ok but wait let's go back to Adam. Why did God allow Adam to screw up fully aware of the fact that he was going to sin?

A: It was Adam's choice to eat the apple.

Q: God made him imperfect. If Adam was perfect he wouldn't have screwed up.

A: I hate apples.

Today I went to school in the evening to give a short speech during the citi career talk. Saw Jing Jing and Charlotte from HR and it was good to see them. The speech went well except for all the "urhs" in between. Gross. I swear it's a bad habit. One of the management associates spoke before me and he was the fakest piece of cardboard ever. The jokes were flatter than kiera knightley on atkins. Gees can't people be themselves?

I bumped into Sharon, one of the relationship managers from citi, a few days ago. Was good to see her. She looks well. After that I was reminded that I had to ask my boss Alfred for a testimonial letter as well. He emailed back with "oh my! sorry overlooked your previous email" reply that confirmed my suspicion that good ol alfred was actually just really too busy but he'd get it done. I don't blame him at all.

He said he has recommended me for the management associate program so that was really nice of him. I never felt like he was my boss but really a good friend. I think we hit it off really well. Alfred must be like 45 with 2 kids but I think deep inside is a silly AC boy ready to untuck his shirt and run wild. I am very grateful I met him. He had a real passion for the job and he has taken care of his family. 20 years down the road I hope I can turn out someway similar.

Wearing the shirt and tie for the first time in months, I was reminded that it did feel good to be back with the citi. I do miss my friends there. Next week I'm meeting Ivan and Kelvin for lunch. I miss tiebin and val and lung and sarah and oscar and eleen and assem and wendy and janet and even alfred haha. Good times. But I'll be back soon.

I didn't realise it then, but something strange happened after I spoke to Mr. Tham. As I walked out of the Ogilvy building suddenly my life made sense. His advice was to go and experience art and culture, and live life. I realised then that maybe part of me wasn't mad for wanting to do something creative and artistic. It was like I was waiting for someone to say "Ian, why don't you just go ahead and be you."

Part of me is rational, scientific and deliberate, but I've got a side that is free, artistic and abstract. For a good part of my life I've always thought someone can be one or the other. And most of the time I've rejected the image of myself as an artistic person, because art doesn't always have a place in the reality of society. And such it felt like it was the rebellious, unwanted side of my personality. But I left Mr Tham's office with the realisation that both of my sides of my personality are just as important. And I have to go and explore the limits of a side that I have hidden.

It's wierd isn't it? I must have been talking to him for maybe 10 minutes. But it's changed the way I look at myself. For so long, I've always denied myself the chance to fully explore my love for art. But now I think I've come to love the duality of my personality, something I've never fully embraced before. The artistic side of me is one half of the picture, and by embracing it I think I feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I feel alot happier. I've learnt to love who I am.

I heard the remake of the song "Hey Jude" by Joe Anderson and I thought about how the song is about embracing love and making the world a better place. The female character in the song isn't really a person, but a metaphor for love. And I think we all take a big step in making a world a better place by opening our hearts and mind. To love others, and to love ourselves.

If you're reading this I would like ask you to listen to the song, and hopefully you'll think about a part of yourself you've never accepted, and to embrace it with love.


Hey Jude - Joe Anderson

Today was a friendsday. Had class with the randoms and our same nonsense as usual. Lunch with the Alisters less Weims. Laughter and jokes galore. We are thinking of starting a club in school. One with minimal effort that we can do over lunch. Which kind of rules out just about everything.

Tris is leaving tonight. He got into med school in dublin so that's really amazing. So after school I went to ToysRus and got him a full doctor's set that comes in a neat suitcase. I also got him the surgery set and the bandage set just in case he wants to specialise in surgery and work in the ER. I swear I wanted to buy one for myself. The stethescope actually makes coughing noises when you press a button. Very well made. I was laughing when I saw it cuz I knew he'd love it. I almost got him a baby doll to practice on but he'll have tons of girls to practice on in the dorm.

I'm really happy for him. He's set for life. And he's doing something he really wants. Stopped over at his place and had time to chittish chattish and say goodbye. Kinda sad he's going just when we just got to hang out. Anyways I'll probably see him soon. I'm thinking of visiting a friend in London at the end of the year so maybe I'll swing by and say hi. Watching all of them grow up with David, they kind of feel like my younger brothers too. I'm just glad they're all on their way.

What is it about people that make them fail? I actually did a psych paper on this before. There is a large extent to which individual situations and family resources are a factor in determining success. But what about the rest of the variables?

Boudieu, a french sociologist, seems to suggest we internalize norms from family first, then society. This is called habitus. So for example, if you happened to come from a family which valued hard work and achievement, you'd have a good start. When you come into society, you are accepted as a generally hardworking person, and you internalize this label. This only makes you work harder.

However, if you've got a bad start, you come out into society labelled as below-par, and you internalize this title, which further plunges you into mediocrity.

So blame it entirely on the family? I don't think so. We internalize norms ourselves. So if we're stupid enough to believe we're shit, we'll be shit. It's self-fulfilling prophecy 101. We think "omg no way, no one is that stupid to think that."

But hey, there are tons of people who know they're failing and yet they still walk into the wall like they've given up. Don't they feel the pain?

Success is such an abstract word. We don't share the same defintion. We can't tell winners from losers. But a winner knows that they're a winner, and a failure knows inside they're a failure.

So the question is what is that extra something that winners have? and why do people still keep walking into the wall even when they know it?

It's 3am and I just sat for part of my Finance class. Ok so maybe I didn't go to class, but the classroom came to me.

Today I got home and got the envelope from Harvard saying I'm officially registered, and it reminded me to check the website for my first lesson. So I logged on and lo and behold, Wednesday's class had been recorded and was ready for streaming. It was funny watching the prof begin his lesson and say hi to all the other people who are doing this course by distance. He said this course will be alot more "real world" than the typical finance module, and I'm quite excited. I am so amazed I can learn at my own pace and without having to bother with timetables and class participation.

Shit I still haven't got my finance textbook. I hope I can find it in sg otherwise I'm abit screwed. Lots of work tomorrow. Time for bed.

I did this tonight as my first painting in a year or more. I love horses so much, and it was only natural that I would paint a horse. I love the colours so much because they really catch you immediately.

This painting is a self-portrait. I love nature alot so I decided to paint myself at one with my surroundings. Can you see a tree? You can see the neck and shoulders are the roots and earth, and my face is the leaves and branches. The blue represents the sky, and just like in real life you see patches of sky through the branches. On the top right of the picture is the sun, which pours through the leaves. I love this painting alot because I managed to capture my mood.

In my previous life I was an artist. Poor, bohemian, and smoking pot half of the time.

Sometimes this past-life persona creeps into present day, and I can go mad doing any kind of art. Painting, drawing, sewing, cutting, pasting, shading, mixing, moulding, writing and singing.

I was very inspired by the Art Auctions and also Mr Tham's advice to just go and experience things, so tonight I just went mad and did 2 paintings in watercolour. It came out like magic. I haven't touched a brush in a year, and I think these 2 pieces are my best works. I've matured alot this past year, and I find it's so amazing how it's transcended into my work.

If you're wondering what technique I'm using, I dunno wtf I did. It's my own wierd abstract style I came up with myself. I love it because it's so spontaneous, so utterly random and non-precise. In fact it's so bizarre I have very little control over how it turns out. It's like the damn things painted themselves.

I'm stuck in the libs now waiting for segaberic to finish ethics class. Skipped lessons today to finish reading my econs cuz I have a test tomorrow. Have alot of work to catch up on and tmrw is my first finance lesson with Harvard. School is probably going to get pretty busy soon but everything is good for now.

On a scale of 1-10 I think right now life is a good 8 or a 9. With all the exciting things that have been happening the last few months, I'm getting used to the slower pace of school again and it's manageable. With my internships mostly settled next year, I'm really on cruise control now. For once I really don't have to worry and fret, and just the thought of that is slightly unsettling.

I wish I could fast forward time. I feel like school is holding me back, but at the same time I know there's not much of a hurry. Sure I know there are some things in my life that are missing, but I am counting my blessings, and I am making the most of my lemons.

I counted my modules and I realised that I only have 8.5 mods left, which means I can probably graduate half a year earlier. I'm thinking of going on a long holiday after I graduate, do another internship, and start work early. I am excited just thinking about it. It will be the fucking biggest question mark of my life.

Haha no more fretting. No more panicking and wondering and stressing and worrying. Out the window. Whatever will be will be.

This weekend has been so mad. Sotheby's south east asian paintings auction was nuts. I slept at 3am on Saturday because we had to dismantle the set to make way for the auction stage. On Sunday we wore polo Ts with a blue Sotheby's apron on. Plus white gloves. Out job was to actually GO ON STAGE AND CARRY THE PAINTINGS WHILE THE AUCTION WAS TAKING PLACE. I could so imagine my friends laughing if hey saw me do this.

There was this painting estimated at $250,000, and unfortunately I had the honour to hold it. However, the bidding shot through the roof at increments of $10,000, and it just kept going and going until I swear I was shaking and my hand were cramping up. When the hammer went down at half a million dollars I was ready to just throw the painting at the auctioneer douche who had to repeat everything in 6 languages for the rich people of the world to hear.

The paintings were alot nicer in close up and I am so grateful for this opportunity because with the $300 I got for working, I can buy a new watercolour set, an oil painting set and a handphone for my grandma. There was an artist who was also born in '84 who had a painting selling for $15,000. And then I was thinking SHIT what am I doing in school seriously.

This morning I went to Mr Tham's office at Ogilvy and it was such a nice place. He was kinda busy so I had to wait at the plush lounge area for abit. He was a nice guy, friendly, opinionated and passionate about his job. he was like, "you need courage for the job. DO YOU HAVE COURAGE FOR THE JOB?!" I was like pause, and then I was like I HAVE THE COURAGE!! I felt like like there and then I could have taken out my red undies, wore them over my brown pants, and shouted SPARTTTTTTTAAAAAA.

He asked me what I knew about O&M and I told him I liked the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. He was so passionate about that he could have been a walking Dove shower cream bottle. I thought that was cool because I feel just the same when I do something I am interested in.

I've always been interested in advertising and marketing because I don't have to think when it comes to anything creative or dealing with wordplay. It just comes. On top of that I get annoyed when things are out of alignment, jokes are not funny, and when words are wrong. Which is the A-type personality. The Advertising-type.

He was fun. He was fierce. In many ways it felt like I was talking to myself, but older. I said my mom says advertising is tough but I don't really care. He was like, "Don't listen to your parents! You have to go and do what you do!" YOU BET I HAVE TO GO AND DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO. He was like,"ok I want to see you next year for your internship, till then I want you to go and learn about art, about movies, travel, go and live! That's your homework." abso-fucking-lutely Mr Tham. Seeya next summer.

They hurt us bad. They let us down again and again. And yet when we say it's time we let go of such friends, we give in.

Why is it so hard to drop a bad friend? It's just one right.

If we rationalize it, we really don't need the trouble and the drama. We don't. But then why do we still give in?

We say we're much better off without such friends. "My life can do without _____ right now." And, yes, maybe we're better off. But what the hell explains it then.

It's annoying. I've told myself to stop making the effort. Taking the time. To shut off and shut out. But every now and then part of me is wondering if my friend is ok. A part of me that is always willing to forgive and forget. Like a door half open or half closed.

Maybe we're suckers for sentiment, we love the good times. Maybe we're creatures of habit, we like to spend time people we're used to.

Or maybe we're just human. Capable of forgiving and holding grudges at the same time. Capable of loving and hating. Capable of caring for someone no matter how bad things have been.

I used to believe that life was black and white. But where is the beauty if you can't see things in shades. And I suppose friendship is just one of those kind of drawings.

TIRED LIKE SHIT. Woke up at 630am and had morning class and rushed off for the auction exhibition set-up which was till 8pm.

Luckily I wore jeans cuz we were immediately thrust into manual labour with the setting up of the exhibition area. There were 150 or so paintings, many of which were so huge they couldn't fit in the lift, and we had to carry each one of them and mount them onto the hooks. Carrying things, attaching hooks, shifting boxes, pushing trolleys, adjusting lights. I felt like a construction worker. We were working alongside the movers and the contactors, and it was good fun.

Felt good to be doing something physical for a change. Empowering. Like brad pitt in cambodia. Less kids. And $10 an hour wasn't too bad in the name of art.

I am so tired. By Wed night I'm normally knocked out and so ready for the weekend. Went for a great dinner with gaberic as usual after ethics.

So my meeting at the ad agency was postponed last minute this morning, and I was really glad I got to sleep in longer today. I really wanted to go to the office and see their work, but it's been shifted to next Mon so that's pretty soon. Will be fun.

Tomorrow is a really long day. I have econs class in the morning, and after that I have to rush off to help out with the art auction in the afternoon. Tomorrow we're setting up for the exhibition viewing on Friday and Saturday, which means we have to movie 147 paintings which are worth an average of $20,000 each. I'm so not doing the math. I've always been interested in the luxury goods industry, and this will be something interesting.

It seems everyone has the xian bug in school. I noticed everyone is slowly beginning to only hang out with the friends that they're close to. I guess we've had 2 years of school already, and I think now everyone just wants to spend time with the people that appreciate their company the most. I think it's just natural that we're beginning to hang out with the people who we really care about and who really care for us. Well at least that's what's happening for me.

Next week my distance learning course with Harvard University is going to start. I didn't want to go for another class in school so I decided to do something different. I'll be taking Finance 101 classes through streaming videos. To think technology has allowed us to take classes where the lecturer is halfway around the world. I'm looking forward to it.

I was watching the hills (again) and Heidi got the events director job at Bolthouse. I think it's going to be fun for her. I think it's amazing when people get a job they really like.

Time for bed. I'm already hoping I don't drop any of the painings tomorrow.

Today was a good day. And like most of my good days there wasn't really anything much special about it. After the end of a long day I sat in front of my computer screen watching "The Hills", and for the first time since school started, I felt like I'd got my life back for sure.

After a rough week with late nights for the career talks and piling homework, taking the weekend off was the best thing for me. Today I managed to get out of bed to hit the library with anglish and ky. Managed to get a ton of readings done. Better still my mom's friend from Sotheby's Auction House gave me a call to tell me I can help out this weekend at the South East Asian paintings auctions. Awesome.

I shared the good news with my parents over prawn noodles when they picked me up for a quick lunch at beach road. Back to the library after. In the afternoon, Zabrina managed to get back to me about coming to Oglivy & Mather to see if I could get a job there next year.

Watching LC and gang mucking around the hills got me wondering why my life isn't as cool and exciting. But I've come to see that my life can be even more fun if I make things happen and sit back and take the time to watch things unfold.

Today I talked to my parents about not knowing what I want to do when I graduate and fretting about it. Bank or art or business or psychology? Lately it's all been a jumble in my mind and it just had to be released. It was then that my mom almost started laughing.

With all the career talks and shit, it was like all of a sudden I was getting sucked into the blackhole of careerdom and adultness and boringhood.

When my mom almost burst out laughing I realised the joke was on me. Her face had the look like "WTF are you worrying about son?"

She asked me why i was worrying when I've already done my best and everything I could possibly do to be on track.

For a second. I thought about it. And then I realised omfg. WTF am I doing? I'm just being OCD about this whole career thing. I've done everything humanly possible for an ian that could possible help ian get a job. Now it's time to get a life.

From this moment on. I swear I am going to heck the worrying, toss all the wussy pussy thoughts out the window, and just concentrate on doing everything I can to do my best, and to have a good time.

You pick any one of the kwok family and there's one thing we have in common, a love for food. Many years ago my grandfather started a restaurant that would become Singapore's oldest Hokkien restaurant. Years later my mom was running 4-5 restaurants / cafes. Today my dad runs Island Creamery. Every Sunday when we go for our family lunch we analyse and dissect the food we eat as if we're paid to do so. We just love our food to death.

This past week I've been going for all the bank talks. My god it's getting damn boring to the max. Some days I'm in school from 8.30 to 10pm in formal attire just to listen to a talk which doesn't enlighten or inspire. This, ironically, inspired me to think about my other career options.

After a long day of work I knocked out on my bed. The next morning, my grandma knocked on my room door and came in with a bowl of hot and crispy guo tie (pot stickers) dumplings that were out of this world. I said, "You have to teach me how to make this. Why don't you set up a stall?"

She was very happy to hear this but then she turned abit sad thinking about how she's become alot older. She said she didn't have the energy to do it, and my aunt's health wasn't very good either.

That moment I realised that maybe it might be a good idea to set up a stall myself. With my grandma's shanghainese recipes that go from drunken chicken to sweet and sour soup, I could easily assemble a menu. My grandma was really happy to hear this. Of course it's just toying with the idea, but after going for all those talks I've been thinking that maybe I don't really want to work for anyone. Besides, the ones who really make it big are the people who dare to take the biggest risks.

I'm definitely still thinking of banking as a safety, but won't it be exciting to do something different?

I've never wanted to set up my own business. It's just never been an idea I've entertained. But watching everyone slowly follow the leader has gotten me thinking maybe it's time to break away.

It is with great urghsness that I say that school has finally become boring. You heard it from the horses mouth. Mr I Love SMU has finally toned down on the Love part.

I seriously dunno what it is. I was so looking forward to school, and instead of a big bang, it's been a big BLAH. It's like all my classes are damn peesai to the max. Except ethics.

SIGHZISH. Since when was school like this? Weiyi was like "how's sch?". I said, "DAMN SIAN". He said "YEAH LA DAMN SIAN". Zi tao xianz to the max.

Everyone is blahness to the max about school this term. It's like we know school inside out and it's gotten abit old.

I tell you working for 4 months is no joke but honestly there was real excitement involved at work. I think wy understands my sentiment after working at credit suisse. Withdrawal symptoms.

It's good to see friends in school but honestly I've been seeing all my good friends around even when I was working. In fact it was nice I could afford to splurge when I went out.

Sometimes I feel like I should have graduated. About 4 months ago. XIANZ.

I believe he exists. And I'm sure most of us believe that he exists.

But sometimes I wonder if he really exists. Ask yourself what is your faith based on? If you believe he exists because you feel blessed, open your eyes to the people that live life with alot more suffering than you do. If you believe he exists because of something you feel, what are your feelings based on? If you believe he exists because of something that happened to you, what about those who have had terrible things happen to them?

When things go right. Praise be. When things are bad. Say it's his will be done. Bad things are not his fault. Why? I dunno. The scripture tells me so.

It's alot easier to believe that there's a BFG somewhere looking out for you. It feels safe and comforting. But is he really there?

Where is he? Will he ever come by just to say hello? It's in his time they say. But what about us then? Do we go to hell because we didn't get to know him?

If you say that we can't fully understand him because we're just made to be like that, I think it's rational that we aren't expected to believe him fully. How do you fully believe something you don't understand completely?

Don't take the easy way out in your faith and religion. Don't rely on the safety and comfort of the herd instinct. I challenge you to be a real believer. A real skeptic and a true follower at the same time.

I don't know if I can be considered a real christian. But even if I'm going to hell, God is going to give me a pat on the back before I go in for being a real skeptic and believer in the truth.

I love these 2 songs. Especially the Elton John one. With the help of a cough and antibiotics I actually sound in between the young and old Elton. Gosh, when we first heard Circle of Life it was when we were still kids and I remember going to burger king to get all the lion king figurines. Those were the days.


Circle of Life - Ian

Fixed the link.

If I Ain't Got You - Ian

talk

Just don't give a shit. That's my advice Claire.

Blogging. One of the internet buzzwords of our time. 20 years down the road our kids will download a software that will allow them to surf internet V1.0 and have a good laugh over their parents incriminating clubbing photos posted on their blog back in the day when people still blogged.

Sometimes I wonder why I still blog. I wonder if I really need people to read what I write, and I think, no not really. I've never been the person to give a shit about what people think (unless asked!), so it really doesn't matter either if people are reading it I guess. So in short I suppose it doesn't really matter to me.

However, one thing I have displeasure with is the fact that even the crappiest random people know how you're doing. Even your shittiest friend from yonks will know you started school this week. You're sharing your story with anyone. I believe it is nice to let your good friends know about certain things rather than having your little online pity party with anonymous87 and gang.

I like to think of my life as a series of errors in judgement. And I'd like to think that even though I don't care for affirmation, I hope someone who reads will learn a thing or two from every lapse in judgement I've made.

More importantly it's just nice to have a space where you can say FUCK THAT and make sure your proof of displeasure is recorded for future reference in case you anticipate further lapses in judgement. A sacred place where you can reaffirm your thoughts by typing them out as words and making sure you stick to your guns. It's like a contract where anonymous87 is your guarantor.

So there it is.

I was watching the Hills today and I was thinking why the hell is my life so boring. If they made my life into a show it would be shown on weekday afternoons after Days of our Lives. And in english with chinese subtitles. But back to the question. Why the hell?

There are days I wake up and I'm thinking why the fuck am I doing all this. Today was the first day of school and I felt so lost for some reason. I felt like another cow in the prairie. Maybe I've just been out of it for 4 months, so that could be part of it. We had a short round of introductions in our class today and we were supposed to say what we did during summer and I was like Ian... blah blah... year 3 social science student... blah blah 2 internships. I mean whatever. When Steph said she did an internship helping unemployed workers I was thinking now that's an interesting internship.

Watching David go I felt really happy for him. But then I was thinking ok Ian so what the fuck are you going to do about doing what you wanna do? I am getting so many of these thoughts these days that it's really getting to me. Was I supposed to end up here?

Things weren't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to want to work in an office. I was supposed to be a zoologist in South Africa. An artist in NY. A rock star in tokyo. I wasn't supposed to be the boring one.

As I've said before, being in SMU, you kinda follow the herd. Wherever's the safest, wherever earns you the money. Sometimes I have an out of body experience where I can go what the fuck is Ian talking about? I should just shut the fuck up sometimes when I talk about work.

I have no idea why these thoughts keep coming. And especially now. Maybe 23 years is a long time of not doing something you really want to do, maybe 23 years a little late. I mean I just don't want to be the loser who said I didn't take the chance when I had it. This isn't some resume, this is my life.

Tmrw is the first day of school but luckily my classes start on tues. Time flies huh? I mean I'm so over being overly sentimental about school and everything but it's just amazing how quickly we're in our 3rd year of school.

Alot has changed. Alot. I think if I saw myself as a freshie I might have had a good laugh haha. The wierd thing about growing up is looking back you think wtf was I thinking haha.

It's wierd thinking of going back to school. Gosh I feel damn old after that "holiday". Maybe with some sleep I'll be back to normal haha. I can't wait for the berms and jeans and tshirts and jackets again. I don't even know where my pens are.

What will be fun is seeing the freshies. Struggling with the stupid card tapping system. Meeting up with their OGs at kops. I almost forgot we called it that. I am already thinking about the mee soto at Armenian and the bryani at als jils.

Resolution this term? Be happy to do my best, and do my best to be happy. That's all I can really ask.

Tmrw is for real, the last fucking day of work. I am so happy that I'm almost sad. It's been like 5 million years since I started wearing a tie and 10 million since the end of berms.

PWCiti was great. Perfect. I'm grateful. And now I know what I want to do at the bank. But fuck that for now. FUCK that. The reason why its been on my mind for the last 5 million years is so I don't have to think about it anymore for the next 10 million.

The biggest skill (or not) I've learnt is that under pressure, sometimes you have to eat shit and act fierce. At work, no one likes the wishy washies and the willies. Today Uncle Lung brought me to the legendary trading floor, and it was like a cowboy town. There's no time to be scared or panicked. You just got to do your damn job. And even if you don't know how to, just act like you do. Be fierce. That's my new motto.

Fierce isn't being angry. It's also not about being angsty or tense. It's about fucking knowing what is going on and acting like you do even if you don't. It's about doing your best and kicking ass. Fierce. SPARTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAA. ORD oh!!

Hey dave this song is for you.

little child - Ian

Dave leaves for Las Vegas on sat and it's kinda sad. Mike says aiyah we'll see him in Dec, but things will be quite different from now on. It's sad how we appreciate things alot more when they're scarce or missing.

Dave was always such a cute and shy kid. I made up for it by being the outspoken, chatty one. But even at children's parties, me, dave and mike could always just hang out with each other because 3 was always a crowd.

In many ways I think I haven't been a good eldest brother. And unfortunately it's a little late to say so. I dunno, I suppose all of us have always been the independent sort. We've always had 3 different lives under one roof. And I suppose it would be boring to be living the same life.

I wasn't an easy older brother. I've always had big expectations for myself and as well for my brothers. But as we grow older I am proud to see the 3 of us living our own lives. It would suck having a family of __________. We're not the same. Our strengths are different.

LV will be great for David because this is his real chance to shine. I've had such a great time in school and I hope he will too. As I look at our old photos I can't believe we've grown up so much,