I was watching the Hills today and I was thinking why the hell is my life so boring. If they made my life into a show it would be shown on weekday afternoons after Days of our Lives. And in english with chinese subtitles. But back to the question. Why the hell?

There are days I wake up and I'm thinking why the fuck am I doing all this. Today was the first day of school and I felt so lost for some reason. I felt like another cow in the prairie. Maybe I've just been out of it for 4 months, so that could be part of it. We had a short round of introductions in our class today and we were supposed to say what we did during summer and I was like Ian... blah blah... year 3 social science student... blah blah 2 internships. I mean whatever. When Steph said she did an internship helping unemployed workers I was thinking now that's an interesting internship.

Watching David go I felt really happy for him. But then I was thinking ok Ian so what the fuck are you going to do about doing what you wanna do? I am getting so many of these thoughts these days that it's really getting to me. Was I supposed to end up here?

Things weren't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to want to work in an office. I was supposed to be a zoologist in South Africa. An artist in NY. A rock star in tokyo. I wasn't supposed to be the boring one.

As I've said before, being in SMU, you kinda follow the herd. Wherever's the safest, wherever earns you the money. Sometimes I have an out of body experience where I can go what the fuck is Ian talking about? I should just shut the fuck up sometimes when I talk about work.

I have no idea why these thoughts keep coming. And especially now. Maybe 23 years is a long time of not doing something you really want to do, maybe 23 years a little late. I mean I just don't want to be the loser who said I didn't take the chance when I had it. This isn't some resume, this is my life.