You Will Be Missed

This has been the worst week of my life. Kai passed away this week. I don’t know why death happens to people who don’t deserve to go so soon. Kai was like a younger brother to me. Our families have always been close and we have known each other since we were babies. We used to play superhero with our capes and toy guns and swords. Kai, me and my brothers used to run about our garden after school playing hide and seek until it was time for dinner. I still smile when I think of these days. Such carefree days.

Then there were the pole vaulting days when Kai and me were in ACS Independent. He was 3 years younger than me so by default I introduced him into the Track and Field team. I hope he enjoyed those days. We had many laughs and good times shared. I will always remember them as one of my best.

And then the time came for him to go to Melbourne to study. He grew up a lot in that time. Every time he came home to visit I couldn’t recognize him. He would always come with his family. Such a kind and generous family the Lees are. They will always be like family to me. I remember taking Kai for a spin in my Mazda with a cigarette in his hand and the wind in our hair. He told me what Melbourne was like and his new life, and when he told me about his studies in architecture I felt happy for him.

And then last week I got an unexpected message from Soon Kit. He said Kai had passed away in Melbourne. These kinds of things never register the way they are supposed to. I didn’t want to believe it was true. I checked with Tze Xiong several times to make sure he didn’t get the facts wrong. But sure enough he was right.

The first day felt numb. Like as if my mind couldn’t piece together the concept of having lost Kai. But then I started to feel the loss soon enough. And it hit me pretty bad. This is how Alfian passed away too. Suddenly and with no warning. It was like the same thing all over again. For days I felt like I could cry any moment. I felt ill. Thinking about Uncle Chee Chiang and Auntie Siok Yong was very painful. I could not imagine their feeling of loss. I felt like I had lost a part of my own self, a younger brother who looked up to me.

It’s hard you know. No one understands loss like the person who loses something. And there were moments when I felt like no one really knew what I was going through. But I knew my bro Dzarrin would understand. We had lost a close friend before. He knew how I felt. When someone close to you passes away, there’s nothing anyone can do to help you ease the pain, but just having your closest friends around you can make the hurt heal alot faster. Me, Steve and Dzarrin have been through alot together. Through our track days in ACS (i), to the crazy days in ACJC, the 2 years of army, and till now, we've come a very long way. And in this time alot of things have happened. We've grown up alot.

This was a terrible week the least to say. Many deadlines and presentations at school. Decisions about my plans for studying abroad in future. Dealing with difficult friends. I fell ill and I’m still fighting a fever. And yes, the loss of a good friend. This has been the worst week ever.

But then yknow life has a funny way of picking us up whenever you think there’s no way up. My closest friends have given me support when I’ve needed it the most. Today I spent a day in school. I met my pals Chloe and Norainee for lunch and my closest friends Steve and Dzarrin for dinner. Just being with them really cheered me up. They knew this has been a rough week for me and I knew I could count on them to make me smile. Even chatting with KY and Cheryl online was good enough to cheer me up. I feel so grateful to have friends like them. Real friends. Not “say only” friends. Real friends who’ve helped me through this. And who I know I can depend on. It’s funny how the simplest things in life can make a person happy. And the company of my best friends did the job. As I was getting ready to sleep tonight, despite the loss, I finally felt like I could move on. I finally felt at peace with myself.

You know, it’s only been one week. But I feel like a lot has changed in one week. When Kai passed away I felt like a part of me died. And in some ways I think it’s true. But you know despite the loss of people we love the most, life still goes on. We are never the same when we lose someone. Somehow we look at life differently. And re-evaluate the things we have. In a crisis, you learn who are the people you can count on. God its so damn cliche to say it, but only the important things really matter. And even as I feel sadness for the loss of a friend, I smile from my heart knowing that I have my family and friends who care for me, and who have helped me up at my lowest point. It was a tough week. But I can finally move on now. Losing a person who is close to us will never be easy, but learning to deal with the loss is much easier when you appreciate the things in life that make it beautiful. Dear Kai. You will always be remembered. And you will always be missed.

the Gocheck Apartment days - me and my bros

the glory days - messing around with the vaulters

the acjc days - Alfian, Me and Dzarrin