Today I attended my first 2 finance classes with harvard and it's been interesting. The prof is engaging and subtly funny. They are recorded from the real on-campus classes and they are posted within 48 hours of the class.

Attended a TA session online on Wed morning (while I was actually supposed to be paying attention to my real-life econs class). Really just goes to show what technology can do for you. Behavioural finance is also part of the module so that's really interesting, especially for me as a psychologist because investor psychology is a new hot topic in finance.

I'm getting a real kick out of this because I can watch my lectures over lunch or anytime I'm free. The powerpoints are also synchronized with the videos so you can see exactly what the prof is showing. I'm really glad I signed up for this and I think I may do more modules like this in future if I can. Here's a streaming clip:


week 2 class

Q: How do you know that God exists by rational / scientific means?

A: How do you know how rain or space or the sun really came about? Science can't tell us that.

Q: Ok but wait we experience them through our senses and there is a large amount of things we do know about them. And btw you can't answer a question by saying that everything else doesn't really have an explanation either so its justifiable.

A: But if science can't explain how certain things come about, its clear that it's not a perfect method to understanding the world around us.

Q: You're right but we're humans, we can't be expected to be perfect, and science is the way we understand most of our world. So why does God not tell explain to us in our own terms?

A: That's faith. How else do you believe that everything around you is real although science does not explain them?

Q: But that's information liquidpaper. Do you mean to say we should fill in the loops in our beliefs by faith? The things around us we experience through our senses, so even though we don't have a clue how they come about, we know they do exist.

A: Which brings us back to our original discussion. You don't understand them fully but you still believe in them.

Q: Yes, but as I said, we experience them through our senses. We know alot more about soil, and trees, and kanye west than we know about God.

A: There are some things that are beyond our understanding.

Q: I just don't see why he can't explain things to us in our own terms. It's not our fault we're abit more dense. Assuming he made us, he knows we have limitations to our understanding of him. Why should he expect us to believe him?

A: Well God doesn't give us all the info cuz we're supposed to find it for ourselves. Otherwise where is the free choice and real belief?

Q: But if we're not capable of understanding him fully, beyond our human scientific understanding, how does he expect us to really believe him fully? It's like a father expecting his mentally disabled child to fully make sense of the world around him.

A: But that's faith.

Q: Ok but wait let's go back to Adam. Why did God allow Adam to screw up fully aware of the fact that he was going to sin?

A: It was Adam's choice to eat the apple.

Q: God made him imperfect. If Adam was perfect he wouldn't have screwed up.

A: I hate apples.

Today I went to school in the evening to give a short speech during the citi career talk. Saw Jing Jing and Charlotte from HR and it was good to see them. The speech went well except for all the "urhs" in between. Gross. I swear it's a bad habit. One of the management associates spoke before me and he was the fakest piece of cardboard ever. The jokes were flatter than kiera knightley on atkins. Gees can't people be themselves?

I bumped into Sharon, one of the relationship managers from citi, a few days ago. Was good to see her. She looks well. After that I was reminded that I had to ask my boss Alfred for a testimonial letter as well. He emailed back with "oh my! sorry overlooked your previous email" reply that confirmed my suspicion that good ol alfred was actually just really too busy but he'd get it done. I don't blame him at all.

He said he has recommended me for the management associate program so that was really nice of him. I never felt like he was my boss but really a good friend. I think we hit it off really well. Alfred must be like 45 with 2 kids but I think deep inside is a silly AC boy ready to untuck his shirt and run wild. I am very grateful I met him. He had a real passion for the job and he has taken care of his family. 20 years down the road I hope I can turn out someway similar.

Wearing the shirt and tie for the first time in months, I was reminded that it did feel good to be back with the citi. I do miss my friends there. Next week I'm meeting Ivan and Kelvin for lunch. I miss tiebin and val and lung and sarah and oscar and eleen and assem and wendy and janet and even alfred haha. Good times. But I'll be back soon.

I didn't realise it then, but something strange happened after I spoke to Mr. Tham. As I walked out of the Ogilvy building suddenly my life made sense. His advice was to go and experience art and culture, and live life. I realised then that maybe part of me wasn't mad for wanting to do something creative and artistic. It was like I was waiting for someone to say "Ian, why don't you just go ahead and be you."

Part of me is rational, scientific and deliberate, but I've got a side that is free, artistic and abstract. For a good part of my life I've always thought someone can be one or the other. And most of the time I've rejected the image of myself as an artistic person, because art doesn't always have a place in the reality of society. And such it felt like it was the rebellious, unwanted side of my personality. But I left Mr Tham's office with the realisation that both of my sides of my personality are just as important. And I have to go and explore the limits of a side that I have hidden.

It's wierd isn't it? I must have been talking to him for maybe 10 minutes. But it's changed the way I look at myself. For so long, I've always denied myself the chance to fully explore my love for art. But now I think I've come to love the duality of my personality, something I've never fully embraced before. The artistic side of me is one half of the picture, and by embracing it I think I feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I feel alot happier. I've learnt to love who I am.

I heard the remake of the song "Hey Jude" by Joe Anderson and I thought about how the song is about embracing love and making the world a better place. The female character in the song isn't really a person, but a metaphor for love. And I think we all take a big step in making a world a better place by opening our hearts and mind. To love others, and to love ourselves.

If you're reading this I would like ask you to listen to the song, and hopefully you'll think about a part of yourself you've never accepted, and to embrace it with love.


Hey Jude - Joe Anderson

Today was a friendsday. Had class with the randoms and our same nonsense as usual. Lunch with the Alisters less Weims. Laughter and jokes galore. We are thinking of starting a club in school. One with minimal effort that we can do over lunch. Which kind of rules out just about everything.

Tris is leaving tonight. He got into med school in dublin so that's really amazing. So after school I went to ToysRus and got him a full doctor's set that comes in a neat suitcase. I also got him the surgery set and the bandage set just in case he wants to specialise in surgery and work in the ER. I swear I wanted to buy one for myself. The stethescope actually makes coughing noises when you press a button. Very well made. I was laughing when I saw it cuz I knew he'd love it. I almost got him a baby doll to practice on but he'll have tons of girls to practice on in the dorm.

I'm really happy for him. He's set for life. And he's doing something he really wants. Stopped over at his place and had time to chittish chattish and say goodbye. Kinda sad he's going just when we just got to hang out. Anyways I'll probably see him soon. I'm thinking of visiting a friend in London at the end of the year so maybe I'll swing by and say hi. Watching all of them grow up with David, they kind of feel like my younger brothers too. I'm just glad they're all on their way.

What is it about people that make them fail? I actually did a psych paper on this before. There is a large extent to which individual situations and family resources are a factor in determining success. But what about the rest of the variables?

Boudieu, a french sociologist, seems to suggest we internalize norms from family first, then society. This is called habitus. So for example, if you happened to come from a family which valued hard work and achievement, you'd have a good start. When you come into society, you are accepted as a generally hardworking person, and you internalize this label. This only makes you work harder.

However, if you've got a bad start, you come out into society labelled as below-par, and you internalize this title, which further plunges you into mediocrity.

So blame it entirely on the family? I don't think so. We internalize norms ourselves. So if we're stupid enough to believe we're shit, we'll be shit. It's self-fulfilling prophecy 101. We think "omg no way, no one is that stupid to think that."

But hey, there are tons of people who know they're failing and yet they still walk into the wall like they've given up. Don't they feel the pain?

Success is such an abstract word. We don't share the same defintion. We can't tell winners from losers. But a winner knows that they're a winner, and a failure knows inside they're a failure.

So the question is what is that extra something that winners have? and why do people still keep walking into the wall even when they know it?

It's 3am and I just sat for part of my Finance class. Ok so maybe I didn't go to class, but the classroom came to me.

Today I got home and got the envelope from Harvard saying I'm officially registered, and it reminded me to check the website for my first lesson. So I logged on and lo and behold, Wednesday's class had been recorded and was ready for streaming. It was funny watching the prof begin his lesson and say hi to all the other people who are doing this course by distance. He said this course will be alot more "real world" than the typical finance module, and I'm quite excited. I am so amazed I can learn at my own pace and without having to bother with timetables and class participation.

Shit I still haven't got my finance textbook. I hope I can find it in sg otherwise I'm abit screwed. Lots of work tomorrow. Time for bed.

I did this tonight as my first painting in a year or more. I love horses so much, and it was only natural that I would paint a horse. I love the colours so much because they really catch you immediately.

This painting is a self-portrait. I love nature alot so I decided to paint myself at one with my surroundings. Can you see a tree? You can see the neck and shoulders are the roots and earth, and my face is the leaves and branches. The blue represents the sky, and just like in real life you see patches of sky through the branches. On the top right of the picture is the sun, which pours through the leaves. I love this painting alot because I managed to capture my mood.

In my previous life I was an artist. Poor, bohemian, and smoking pot half of the time.

Sometimes this past-life persona creeps into present day, and I can go mad doing any kind of art. Painting, drawing, sewing, cutting, pasting, shading, mixing, moulding, writing and singing.

I was very inspired by the Art Auctions and also Mr Tham's advice to just go and experience things, so tonight I just went mad and did 2 paintings in watercolour. It came out like magic. I haven't touched a brush in a year, and I think these 2 pieces are my best works. I've matured alot this past year, and I find it's so amazing how it's transcended into my work.

If you're wondering what technique I'm using, I dunno wtf I did. It's my own wierd abstract style I came up with myself. I love it because it's so spontaneous, so utterly random and non-precise. In fact it's so bizarre I have very little control over how it turns out. It's like the damn things painted themselves.

I'm stuck in the libs now waiting for segaberic to finish ethics class. Skipped lessons today to finish reading my econs cuz I have a test tomorrow. Have alot of work to catch up on and tmrw is my first finance lesson with Harvard. School is probably going to get pretty busy soon but everything is good for now.

On a scale of 1-10 I think right now life is a good 8 or a 9. With all the exciting things that have been happening the last few months, I'm getting used to the slower pace of school again and it's manageable. With my internships mostly settled next year, I'm really on cruise control now. For once I really don't have to worry and fret, and just the thought of that is slightly unsettling.

I wish I could fast forward time. I feel like school is holding me back, but at the same time I know there's not much of a hurry. Sure I know there are some things in my life that are missing, but I am counting my blessings, and I am making the most of my lemons.

I counted my modules and I realised that I only have 8.5 mods left, which means I can probably graduate half a year earlier. I'm thinking of going on a long holiday after I graduate, do another internship, and start work early. I am excited just thinking about it. It will be the fucking biggest question mark of my life.

Haha no more fretting. No more panicking and wondering and stressing and worrying. Out the window. Whatever will be will be.

This weekend has been so mad. Sotheby's south east asian paintings auction was nuts. I slept at 3am on Saturday because we had to dismantle the set to make way for the auction stage. On Sunday we wore polo Ts with a blue Sotheby's apron on. Plus white gloves. Out job was to actually GO ON STAGE AND CARRY THE PAINTINGS WHILE THE AUCTION WAS TAKING PLACE. I could so imagine my friends laughing if hey saw me do this.

There was this painting estimated at $250,000, and unfortunately I had the honour to hold it. However, the bidding shot through the roof at increments of $10,000, and it just kept going and going until I swear I was shaking and my hand were cramping up. When the hammer went down at half a million dollars I was ready to just throw the painting at the auctioneer douche who had to repeat everything in 6 languages for the rich people of the world to hear.

The paintings were alot nicer in close up and I am so grateful for this opportunity because with the $300 I got for working, I can buy a new watercolour set, an oil painting set and a handphone for my grandma. There was an artist who was also born in '84 who had a painting selling for $15,000. And then I was thinking SHIT what am I doing in school seriously.

This morning I went to Mr Tham's office at Ogilvy and it was such a nice place. He was kinda busy so I had to wait at the plush lounge area for abit. He was a nice guy, friendly, opinionated and passionate about his job. he was like, "you need courage for the job. DO YOU HAVE COURAGE FOR THE JOB?!" I was like pause, and then I was like I HAVE THE COURAGE!! I felt like like there and then I could have taken out my red undies, wore them over my brown pants, and shouted SPARTTTTTTTAAAAAA.

He asked me what I knew about O&M and I told him I liked the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. He was so passionate about that he could have been a walking Dove shower cream bottle. I thought that was cool because I feel just the same when I do something I am interested in.

I've always been interested in advertising and marketing because I don't have to think when it comes to anything creative or dealing with wordplay. It just comes. On top of that I get annoyed when things are out of alignment, jokes are not funny, and when words are wrong. Which is the A-type personality. The Advertising-type.

He was fun. He was fierce. In many ways it felt like I was talking to myself, but older. I said my mom says advertising is tough but I don't really care. He was like, "Don't listen to your parents! You have to go and do what you do!" YOU BET I HAVE TO GO AND DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO. He was like,"ok I want to see you next year for your internship, till then I want you to go and learn about art, about movies, travel, go and live! That's your homework." abso-fucking-lutely Mr Tham. Seeya next summer.

They hurt us bad. They let us down again and again. And yet when we say it's time we let go of such friends, we give in.

Why is it so hard to drop a bad friend? It's just one right.

If we rationalize it, we really don't need the trouble and the drama. We don't. But then why do we still give in?

We say we're much better off without such friends. "My life can do without _____ right now." And, yes, maybe we're better off. But what the hell explains it then.

It's annoying. I've told myself to stop making the effort. Taking the time. To shut off and shut out. But every now and then part of me is wondering if my friend is ok. A part of me that is always willing to forgive and forget. Like a door half open or half closed.

Maybe we're suckers for sentiment, we love the good times. Maybe we're creatures of habit, we like to spend time people we're used to.

Or maybe we're just human. Capable of forgiving and holding grudges at the same time. Capable of loving and hating. Capable of caring for someone no matter how bad things have been.

I used to believe that life was black and white. But where is the beauty if you can't see things in shades. And I suppose friendship is just one of those kind of drawings.

TIRED LIKE SHIT. Woke up at 630am and had morning class and rushed off for the auction exhibition set-up which was till 8pm.

Luckily I wore jeans cuz we were immediately thrust into manual labour with the setting up of the exhibition area. There were 150 or so paintings, many of which were so huge they couldn't fit in the lift, and we had to carry each one of them and mount them onto the hooks. Carrying things, attaching hooks, shifting boxes, pushing trolleys, adjusting lights. I felt like a construction worker. We were working alongside the movers and the contactors, and it was good fun.

Felt good to be doing something physical for a change. Empowering. Like brad pitt in cambodia. Less kids. And $10 an hour wasn't too bad in the name of art.

I am so tired. By Wed night I'm normally knocked out and so ready for the weekend. Went for a great dinner with gaberic as usual after ethics.

So my meeting at the ad agency was postponed last minute this morning, and I was really glad I got to sleep in longer today. I really wanted to go to the office and see their work, but it's been shifted to next Mon so that's pretty soon. Will be fun.

Tomorrow is a really long day. I have econs class in the morning, and after that I have to rush off to help out with the art auction in the afternoon. Tomorrow we're setting up for the exhibition viewing on Friday and Saturday, which means we have to movie 147 paintings which are worth an average of $20,000 each. I'm so not doing the math. I've always been interested in the luxury goods industry, and this will be something interesting.

It seems everyone has the xian bug in school. I noticed everyone is slowly beginning to only hang out with the friends that they're close to. I guess we've had 2 years of school already, and I think now everyone just wants to spend time with the people that appreciate their company the most. I think it's just natural that we're beginning to hang out with the people who we really care about and who really care for us. Well at least that's what's happening for me.

Next week my distance learning course with Harvard University is going to start. I didn't want to go for another class in school so I decided to do something different. I'll be taking Finance 101 classes through streaming videos. To think technology has allowed us to take classes where the lecturer is halfway around the world. I'm looking forward to it.

I was watching the hills (again) and Heidi got the events director job at Bolthouse. I think it's going to be fun for her. I think it's amazing when people get a job they really like.

Time for bed. I'm already hoping I don't drop any of the painings tomorrow.

Today was a good day. And like most of my good days there wasn't really anything much special about it. After the end of a long day I sat in front of my computer screen watching "The Hills", and for the first time since school started, I felt like I'd got my life back for sure.

After a rough week with late nights for the career talks and piling homework, taking the weekend off was the best thing for me. Today I managed to get out of bed to hit the library with anglish and ky. Managed to get a ton of readings done. Better still my mom's friend from Sotheby's Auction House gave me a call to tell me I can help out this weekend at the South East Asian paintings auctions. Awesome.

I shared the good news with my parents over prawn noodles when they picked me up for a quick lunch at beach road. Back to the library after. In the afternoon, Zabrina managed to get back to me about coming to Oglivy & Mather to see if I could get a job there next year.

Watching LC and gang mucking around the hills got me wondering why my life isn't as cool and exciting. But I've come to see that my life can be even more fun if I make things happen and sit back and take the time to watch things unfold.

Today I talked to my parents about not knowing what I want to do when I graduate and fretting about it. Bank or art or business or psychology? Lately it's all been a jumble in my mind and it just had to be released. It was then that my mom almost started laughing.

With all the career talks and shit, it was like all of a sudden I was getting sucked into the blackhole of careerdom and adultness and boringhood.

When my mom almost burst out laughing I realised the joke was on me. Her face had the look like "WTF are you worrying about son?"

She asked me why i was worrying when I've already done my best and everything I could possibly do to be on track.

For a second. I thought about it. And then I realised omfg. WTF am I doing? I'm just being OCD about this whole career thing. I've done everything humanly possible for an ian that could possible help ian get a job. Now it's time to get a life.

From this moment on. I swear I am going to heck the worrying, toss all the wussy pussy thoughts out the window, and just concentrate on doing everything I can to do my best, and to have a good time.

You pick any one of the kwok family and there's one thing we have in common, a love for food. Many years ago my grandfather started a restaurant that would become Singapore's oldest Hokkien restaurant. Years later my mom was running 4-5 restaurants / cafes. Today my dad runs Island Creamery. Every Sunday when we go for our family lunch we analyse and dissect the food we eat as if we're paid to do so. We just love our food to death.

This past week I've been going for all the bank talks. My god it's getting damn boring to the max. Some days I'm in school from 8.30 to 10pm in formal attire just to listen to a talk which doesn't enlighten or inspire. This, ironically, inspired me to think about my other career options.

After a long day of work I knocked out on my bed. The next morning, my grandma knocked on my room door and came in with a bowl of hot and crispy guo tie (pot stickers) dumplings that were out of this world. I said, "You have to teach me how to make this. Why don't you set up a stall?"

She was very happy to hear this but then she turned abit sad thinking about how she's become alot older. She said she didn't have the energy to do it, and my aunt's health wasn't very good either.

That moment I realised that maybe it might be a good idea to set up a stall myself. With my grandma's shanghainese recipes that go from drunken chicken to sweet and sour soup, I could easily assemble a menu. My grandma was really happy to hear this. Of course it's just toying with the idea, but after going for all those talks I've been thinking that maybe I don't really want to work for anyone. Besides, the ones who really make it big are the people who dare to take the biggest risks.

I'm definitely still thinking of banking as a safety, but won't it be exciting to do something different?

I've never wanted to set up my own business. It's just never been an idea I've entertained. But watching everyone slowly follow the leader has gotten me thinking maybe it's time to break away.

It is with great urghsness that I say that school has finally become boring. You heard it from the horses mouth. Mr I Love SMU has finally toned down on the Love part.

I seriously dunno what it is. I was so looking forward to school, and instead of a big bang, it's been a big BLAH. It's like all my classes are damn peesai to the max. Except ethics.

SIGHZISH. Since when was school like this? Weiyi was like "how's sch?". I said, "DAMN SIAN". He said "YEAH LA DAMN SIAN". Zi tao xianz to the max.

Everyone is blahness to the max about school this term. It's like we know school inside out and it's gotten abit old.

I tell you working for 4 months is no joke but honestly there was real excitement involved at work. I think wy understands my sentiment after working at credit suisse. Withdrawal symptoms.

It's good to see friends in school but honestly I've been seeing all my good friends around even when I was working. In fact it was nice I could afford to splurge when I went out.

Sometimes I feel like I should have graduated. About 4 months ago. XIANZ.

I believe he exists. And I'm sure most of us believe that he exists.

But sometimes I wonder if he really exists. Ask yourself what is your faith based on? If you believe he exists because you feel blessed, open your eyes to the people that live life with alot more suffering than you do. If you believe he exists because of something you feel, what are your feelings based on? If you believe he exists because of something that happened to you, what about those who have had terrible things happen to them?

When things go right. Praise be. When things are bad. Say it's his will be done. Bad things are not his fault. Why? I dunno. The scripture tells me so.

It's alot easier to believe that there's a BFG somewhere looking out for you. It feels safe and comforting. But is he really there?

Where is he? Will he ever come by just to say hello? It's in his time they say. But what about us then? Do we go to hell because we didn't get to know him?

If you say that we can't fully understand him because we're just made to be like that, I think it's rational that we aren't expected to believe him fully. How do you fully believe something you don't understand completely?

Don't take the easy way out in your faith and religion. Don't rely on the safety and comfort of the herd instinct. I challenge you to be a real believer. A real skeptic and a true follower at the same time.

I don't know if I can be considered a real christian. But even if I'm going to hell, God is going to give me a pat on the back before I go in for being a real skeptic and believer in the truth.

I love these 2 songs. Especially the Elton John one. With the help of a cough and antibiotics I actually sound in between the young and old Elton. Gosh, when we first heard Circle of Life it was when we were still kids and I remember going to burger king to get all the lion king figurines. Those were the days.


Circle of Life - Ian

Fixed the link.

If I Ain't Got You - Ian