It's Friday night and Just got home. Shit tired like hell.

Met yoons, wang and yong for lunch the other day during our lunch break. It's a great feeling to see your ac pals all doing well, and getting all geared up for the real world. In many ways ac has been a good foundation for our future. Inevitably we started talking about work and then it just started coming non-stop. Yoons was shaking his head at us go on.

I met up with weiyi last night and the same thing happened. For 2 hours we talked about nothing but our future job (and future) and deliberated the banking life. I sat down with Jason at food republic and the conversation about consulting and banking just wouldn't stop.

The grossness won't end.

I guess it's not deliberate. It's not a plan that someone said ok guys gee let's talk about something boring. Sometimes that kinda talk really turns me off. But at this age, I think we're beginning to realise that our career is going to begin sooner than we think it is. And it is most comforting to talk about it with your friends.

I talked to Jason today and for once i think we were really honest about our future. It wasn't some cock-ass talk about how amazing banking is, it was real. We both agreed that as much as there is prestige and pay, i-banking may not be that fun. He said that if he did i-banking he'd be unhappy for 2 years. And I agreed. I know I'd probably not be very happy either. But yet we agreed if the job came to us upon graduation on a silver platter, we'd still take it up.

One bad thing about smu is that its all about the banking jobs. It really is. In a small school locked up with some of the brightest kids, competition is tough, and herd instinct kicks in. Suddenly every tom dick and harry wants to do banking. And I am one of the cows. Banking has become a glorified job. It's like the holy grail for graduates. The default religion for smudents.

After doing 5 internships. I can say that I can pretend to be an auditor just as good as pretending to be an advertiser. Push comes to shove, I can probably eat shit in any industry. But I'm wondering if working in a bank is really something I want to do.

Jase then talked about how sucky it was not having anyone good at marketing on his case team and the I said, "Shit take me in. If there's anything I can do it's marketing." And with that he encouraged me to do something that I really like. Part of me is split between marketing and finance. I can probably bluff my way into a bank job, but marketing is really my forte.

The practical part of me wants to take the default route. Become a banker and earn money. But there is a side of me that wants to do something I like, which may lead me to better things in the long run, and that's marketing. I look at my resume now and there's a certain polarity to it.

Tangs, marriott and water's edge on one side. And pwc and citibank on the other. This is a true representation of the dilema I face. And I may have to put some serious thought into this soon. It's funny because now I have drafted 2 different resumes. One hiding my creative side, and another hiding my finance side. I feel very fortunate to have the options, but soon I am going to have to stop procrastinating and make a choice.

David is still on eurotrip'07. We talked about him being in Las Vegas over msn and I think he's all set. In some ways this is good prep for him leaving. Not for him. For us. For the last few weeks, Dave's been in europe and we're learning how to make do. For the next few years, our family will probably be apart with the 3 of us coming and going. Dave's coming back on Sat though. And by August 15th he'll be off for good.

Coincidentally, that's when school starts. I think I'll be flying off to vegas to help him settle down so I'll probably skip the first week of school. It will be a good time for us to get started for a new school year ahead.

I can't believe this is my younger brother. I am so happy for him. This is his break-out moment. For all the times he has worked hard in school, this is his ultimate payoff.

I'm sad he has to go, but this is his chance to make it big. For all the times we talk about our hopes and dreams, this is Dave's chance to go and live it. We always go, 'if i could have a dream house i'd have...'. But this is dave's chance for real. And i have no doubt that he'll be doing his best in everything he does.

One day I hope we can come together again as family and really enjoy life together again. The kwoks will take a hiatus for the time being. But I hope that we'll be able to make our mark, and one day we'll have the means to kick ass together.

I AM SO TIRED. Today I had dinner with Lionelingette at Basil and the first thing Lin Ting said to me was, "OMG You look so tired. You actually look more mature with eyebags." Ok.

It's a wierd kind of tired. Not the yawn kinda tired. But a chronic, long-overdue tiredness that's come over me. It's like my body finally giving in to everything it's been taking the last couple of months. I have never, ever been this tired.

It's only 11.02pm on the clock and it looks like I may finally break the 12midnight barrier by sleeping early.

I am so grateful for the things in my life, but right now, I just need a good 24 hours of sleep.

I have decided to skip the first week of school to go on a vacation. I've earned it this time. Not an exciting getaway. Not a road trip. I need a pilgrimage to go and find some quiet and well deserved rest. Tibet was on my mind, but apparently it's the rainy season in August. Egypt is also a little off the budget at a whopping $3000. However, I think katie's family owns a ranch in wyomming, and steven is in San Fran, so I am definately considering going to the states to take a break. I just need to rest, recharge and relax. After one of my most difficult times the last few months, I declare a cease-fire, a long-overdue time-out to recharge and restore my spirit.

And I am really, really looking forward to it.

At 9.30pm my mom knocked on my room door and asked if I could get her some chili crab. "Can I pick them up tmrw?" I said. "Oh no I feel like eating it now," she replied. HUH? Was this my mom speaking.

So in 5 minutes we got into the defender and she was telling me how she has had this major craving for crabs. "Mom aren't you coughing?" I said. She smiled like a 6 year old girl caught eating ice cream with a sorethroat.

In the car we started talking about many things. One of which was how she would not regret if she passed away tomorrow. "I have no regrets. I've lived. And I think you all have grown up in the right direction," she said, "but if I knew I didn't have much time left I'd eat alot of fois gras, pate and chili crab."

That reminded me of a type of paper we know as money. I have been told that money doesn't buy happiness. And it's true. However, happiness can't buy many other things. Like a home for your family. The best education for your children. The best doctor for your family. Gifts for friends. Or fois gras, pate and chili crab. Money, to me, has always been a means for something.

I've also been told that money isn't everything. And that's also true. But who can argue that it doesn't make our future and our family's future alot brighter.

We always think of happiness and money as 2 poles of a continuum. It's either or. But personally I think that theory is bullshit and are for those people who are lazy to be happy and successful at the same time. It is the ultimate excuse of choice for the connoisseur of the laisse faire lifestyle, either that or the classic cynic. Of course I can imagine that being happy and successful is probably a daunting task, but can we ignore the fact that this pursuit is possible? I believe that the meter for happiness and success are 2 separate gauges which have to be worked on separately.

Of course who the hell knows if this hypothesis is true. I mean what the hell would I know. But recently, I've been thinking alot about an attack plan for my next few years. Evaluating my goals. I suppose because recently alot of opportunities have opened and closed for me. And now after the big changes have been made, I feel alot stronger and determined. I can't tell you how much the last few months have changed me. It's like Ian V3.0. Beta testing.

Part of the things I'm thinking of might be taking the term off to travel, do some volunteer work and complete my CFA level 1. I'm also thinking about going to NYU for summer next year. I have to draft out my plans soon so I know how much time I can afford. Can't wait to get this off my mind and live like a student again. Like a kid.

The luxury of waking late I tell you. I've been very tired cuz I haven't been sleeping early and work is too early for humans. Even though work has been good, I am loving the weekend. Yesterday, I thought I had been relieved of my position on the department's dragon boat team, but then Sharon said, "Hey Ian, Dai-san has to meet with some clients today. Can you take his place? I give you a taxi voucher, go home and get your stuff!"

Sweat.

So by 4.30pm I was wearing shorts and wetshoes in the office wrapping up the last of my work. Corporate Banking's team colour was chosen by HR so we ended up wearing pink tshirts with the citi logo on it. The girls were rolling up their sleeves and comparing sizes. The guys were still wondering why pink.

Sweat.

The dragonboat race was fun though haha. Rainer brought his ba-zhang on the bloody boat and it drowned along the way. I can't believe he actually ate it after that. These angmos seriously.

They chartered a bus for us to and fro from our office to the Singapore River. My boss, Alfred, didn't go so he was watching from the 16th floor of the Centennial Tower, which overlooks the river, and probably having a good laugh haha. We came back to the office, half wet and sweaty.

So that was how the first week of work ended. It's been a nice first week. It's only been 4 days but I feel like I've made some good friends. I bumped into Sheryl on my way home and she was like, "Oh did you just come from school?" I was like no I came from the office . She was looking at my wet shoes. She laughed and told me Sam was working at Citibank also so I knew I'd have another lunch buddy.

It was a good 2nd day at work. I slept early the night before and I felt great. I visited HR and dropped off my passport size photo. There Ting ting was, friendly as ever, and concerned how my fiasco with the school went. I told her with relief that it sorted itself out. As much as it angered me, it was over and I am ready to let it go.

Strangely, the people in the lift looked alot friendlier today. As I stepped into the office I noticed how quiet it was in the morning. My colleagues only got in around 9.30 so it was just Kelvin (lao jiao intern extraordinaire) and me. Kelvin ends his internship next week and starts on the Management Asociate program soon. 4 grand is alot of money for fresh grad pay but I have to double check that figure so I don't wrongly sign my life away for eternity.

The global corporate banking managers are all foreigners from all sorts of places so you hear them contacting clients over the phone in wierd languages. Towards the end of they day they are on the phone booking dinner for clients.

It's my 2nd day and they want me to join the dragonboat race team of our deparment. There's a corporate banking dragonboat race next week you see. Shit.

Lunch is alot better at City Hall than Raffs Place because its more spread out. I had lunch with the interns today. They have a great sense of "16th floor" commeraderie. Those nutjobs love food as much as me. Tomorrow we're going to the new foodcourt at suntec. Either that or lunch with Ambrose and Jasmine.

The view is amazing. The windows are large in the office so we get an amazing view of the city and the sea. The ferris wheel is right next to us so it looks huge. As I took a sip from the water cooler and stole 5 minutes in betwen work, I was thinking about what a ride it's been this holiday. It's not about the things I've done over the last few months. But the things I've gone through just to get this point. I think I've really grown up these few months. And contrary to what I was told, this was not by luck.

After getting a good nights rest, I woke up feeling alot better. My first day at Citibank was such a fiasco because the office of career services called me up in the morning and very rudely accused me of ending my PWC internship short on the context that I recieved an offer from Citibank. They were so rude and condescending, with the preconcieved notion that I was playing punk.

What they didn't know was that this was between PWC and the army. For the last few months I had been extending / cutting short my internship period because my army CO had gone back and forth about deferment. In the end I told PWC that I cannot defer and I would leave my internship period as 8 weeks instead of 10. Surprisingly my OC came back finally and said I was free to go.

Left with the final contract of the shortened 8 weeks and deferment, I decided not to extend with PWC because the HR had already been damn patient with me for the last 2 months. It would also be illegal for me to not work. Which is where Citibank came in.

I pushed for an interview, and luckily I got it.

I had to leave my office on my first day of work just to see the OCS people. They were damn rude. The last time I spoke with them, I had to shout at the staff just to get my deferment letter done. It is no coincidence that the lady I shouted at was on my case again. They asked why I didn't come to them for advice. I just scoffed and said, "Are you joking? The last time I asked you to write a letter you made it so damn difficult, what makes you think I'd come to you again?" Silence.

With that, they kind of got it. My first half of my first day at Citibank so angry and wasted. I wanted to spit at someone.

I will remember what they said, "Oh especially as a social science student you should feel lucky you got the internships, you should have handled it better."

Excuse me. Why should I feel especially lucky as a social science student? Lucky? Are you joking? I fucking worked to get these internships.

You can be right or wrong, but was no need for them to be rude especially if they didn't know what was going on. I can understand how they had certain preconcieved notions, but it was supposed to be their job to be on my side, to see what was really going on. I am not disappointed with the way they handled the situation, but I was upset with how rude and condescending they were. And no one should be spoken to this way.

The case is over. Work goes on. I just left thinking "especially lucky as a social science student". Fuck stereotypes. You can take the label and shove it. I feel lucky alright, but my outcome is not because of luck. Luck is for losers.

I finished my last interview today. Finally. After months of question marks galore, all the crossroads have finally come to an end. I am happy. Very happy. And it helped that the day ended with shopping with the poon and dinner with bangadelabe.

At 2.45pm I made my way up the Centennial Tower for my interview. I was all set. I stepped into the elevator and they were full of people who were similarly dressed. As I caught a glimpse of myself in the gold mirror walls, I didn't recognise myself for a second. There was a boy dressed in a tie and a shirt standing right in front of me that I didn't know.

In medieval days they had armour, weapons and shields. Today we have the suit and tie. And I was ready for battle.

Growing up happens before you know it. And as I looked at my reflection I thought of how much things have changed over the last few years in so many ways. And before I could complete the thought, I had reached the 14th floor.

The person interviewing me was Alfred. Alfred is the the head of global corporate banking at Citibank, and just the "head" part of his title was enough to get me a little wanna-pee-pee.

Fortunately, Alfred was nice. And he wanted to know what was up with a double major in psychology and finance. He also asked alot of other questions, many very random. One of which was something I will remember. He asked, "So Ian this is abit early, but what do you want in your career say 30 years down the road".

Alfred had been very honest with me all this while, so instinctively I could be honest with him.

I told him that I just want to be able to take care of my family no matter what.

For the good part of the interview he was smiling and being cheerful. But for the first time, he kind of looked serious, looked away into space somewhere downwards, paused as if he was making a choice, and then nooded like he knew exactly what I was talking about. I felt like I could be real with Alfred.

And that was when I knew I'd got it.

So in short, work starts tomorrow at 8.30am sharp. I'm tired, but happy, and really looking forward to this new challenge.

At any point in my life, I've always had some sort of a dream.

I wanted to be a PE teacher in secondary schoool
I wanted to be a vet in JC
I wanted to be a psychologist in army
And now I want to be a banker or a consultant

The thing about dreaming big, is not getting your ultimate goal, but aiming high and doing you best. I mean how many people get to live their dreams? Not many. So I think the point is don't be too hung up about reaching your ultimate goal, but be more concerned that you're doing your best to reach it.

I still want a ranch in Canada and a swimming pool though. Kidding. Ok not really.

My last interview is tomorrow. My god I have so had it with appeals, interviews and applications. I am confirm teaching a course at SMU called Appeals, Transfers and Applications 101. Here is the breakdown for those who will be bidding for it this term.

Course Title: Appeals, Transfers and Applications 101 (ATA101)

Course Description:
This is a hands on course to allow students to experience the full extent of an actual 1/4 life crisis. By the end of the course, students will be equiped with the skills necessary to eat shit and succeed.

Practical test - 35%:
- Your interviewer laughs in your face while you have 5 minutes to explain what you did in 2 years of school

Written Assignments - 10%:
- send 20 unsolicited internship application letters and recieve a minimum of 1 reply

Project - 50%:
- apply for more than 10 internships, transfer to 5 schools, deal with assholic university administration, and negotiate army deferment simultaneously.

Class Participation - 5%
- help your classmates get internships and polish up their resumes

*This course is twice the length of the usual course and will have a tendancy to spill into the school holidays.

I've decided to stay. And not only stay, but stay on an extra year at SMU.

The bulk of students here can't wait to graduate. They are ready to break out into the working world.

I guess so am I, but I'd like to make sure I'm ready. SMU has been the best thing that's happened to me, and I would like another year to learn and to grow.

Working at pdubs for the last 2 months has taught me alot. One of which is that anyone can do anything if they really put their mind to it. I've learnt alot, and I'd like to get a few more chances to learn before I graduate.

I've also decided not to pursue an appeal to transfer to the business school. This is SMU. We're different!

So the plan is to spread out my courses like hell, improve my grades, take a term to work, and to go overseas for business programs. I'll probably have to start thinking about the GMAT and the CFA towards graduation. My eye is on the MBA.

This goes beyond looking better on paper. I feel a year will allow me to grow and really enjoy my education. I love business.

NYU and Wharton have summer programs in Business, so hopefully I can go. My dad is especially supportive of me getting out of the country.

I feel very grateful. I was having lunch with Gabe and Mark at Pret A Manger at Raffles Place when I thought of how lucky I am. I never take it for granted that I have a good family. Great friends. A good school. And many opportunities to find myself. Just thinking about all these things I have makes me sure I'm staying.

I have no idea how much money I spent applying for transfers, but I smile and I am confident of the choice I have made. I guess the big guy was watching over me after all.

Fields of Gold - Ian

Friday is my last day at PWC. Damn happy I can finally have a real break this summer. Or not. Citibank is (again) supposed to get back to me by the end of this week.

2 more weeks to deciding about my schools. I emailed like 10 people, my profs, friends and family who would know a thing or two about studying in the states. Most of them say that both SMU and Indiana are good schools. KNN. How now brown cow.

And omg the Singapore Association at Indiana University is xiao onz. Sent me a welcome letter before even deciding. They're setting up a booth in July at Suntec just to plug Indiana. Mental dental.

I told Kyarrin I'd be 99% staying. And I was so sure. But yknow I honestly can't tell even now. I wish things were alot more straightforward.

I always say I don't believe in god. But I do. I know he's there because he's the first person I thank when things are going well and the first person I blame when I lose my car keys. So big guy, if you're watching, I hope you'll give me some guidance.

As my choices are being narrowed down, I am beginning to listen less to what people are saying, and more of what I feel will be right. This will be the hardest decision to make, but wherever I go, I know that I'll be trying my best to be happy and successful in my education.

Indiana University is a huge-ass public school in the mid-west of the US. It is famous for its beautiful campus and excellent Kelley business school. I haven't heard of Indiana before, but the business week and US news rankings place Kelley as the top 10 and 11th business program in the states for 2006. Here is just some snippets of information that have helped me consider my transfer, some information I'd like to share with you too:

"Hi Lee Kong Chian, my name is Kelley,"

"I come from Indiana,"

"It's a great place to live,"

"and to make a living."

Much of my dream to head to the states comes from wanting to study business, and also to make the world my oyster. I've always wanted to venture out, kick some ass and chase a dream. I know that I can make a difference for my family if I venture out to see the world.

Tonight my dad called me from Bali and he said, "You know, don't worry about all of this." It was as if he knew what was on my mind. "You have so many options. Stay here. Do psychology. Take a year off. Or study in Indiana. You can think about it and decide." At that moment I kinda knew my decision.

About 60 years ago, a man from China took a junk across oceans to America, and chased his dream at a University we would come to know today as the ivy league school, Berkeley. This dream ensured his family would always be well taken care of.

About 35 years ago, 2 teenagers named Linda and Stanley took a plane from Singapore to San Fransisco, not even knowing what the hell their university would look like. And their dreams ensured their family would be well taken care of.

Who knows how my applications and appeals will turn out like. But whatever happens, I intend to make sure that my family will someday be thankful that I made the decision to chase my dream.

Er and I were talking about our goals. He said he was abit worried that his dream didn't come in the form of a practical, "I want an analyst position at Goldman Sachs" kinda goal. But why should anyone's have to be?

If your goal in life is to have 5 kids. Then so be it. If you want to be living life on the edge, then that's great as well. The point is, the most important thing about our goals is establishing one. And that's the battle half won.

A goal, no matter how bizzarre, random or out of point, gives us a little more direction. Dedicating your life to christ, playing xbox, making ice cream, watching tv, giving people traffic tickets are all justifiable in their own ways.

I've always challenged myself to meet a goal, to chase a dream, and I can tell you honestly, when you miss your own mark, the feeling is like shit.

But can you imagine life without a goal? Where everything is, just, ok, because it is. How then do we better ourselves? Unless of course your goal is just to sail along and blah your way through, then that's justifiable. I guess. Blah.

If there's one thing I've learnt in life, it's to stand up, and stick to your guns.

When things turn difficult. Take a breather, have your little pity party. But then you've got to get off your ass, and keep fighting.

Take a stand for what you believe in. Because no one is going to believe you if you don't believe yourself.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been questioned about my direction, my passion, my life. This is something expected. Everytime your life changes course, I suppose its expected you face doubt.

But can you imagine if we kept doubting ourselves everytime we felt challenged? Can imagine if we let other people determine how our life was going to be by letting them believe we are wrong?

There are times when we are wrong. But there are times when we have to put our foot down. We need to look inside ourselves to find direction. Our inner voice. If we listen hard enough, we'll realise that our beliefs have the strength to guide us.

I am tired. Tired of fighting. But there is a drive that makes me wanna strip down to my undies and shout SPARTAAAAAAA. And that is more than enough to keep me going. To keep me fighting.

I prepared myself just to come and see you, and all you gave a shit about was your time. No one has ever talked to me so patronizingly. You laughed off what I said, but I suppose it made you feel less guilty. You even told me to to go get a beer to feel make myself feel better. You messed with the wrong fucker asshole. Let's see what Woody has to say about this. Even if I'm not staying, I swear that one day, I'll make it big. And then, throw some fucking money in your fucking face.

nerds gone wild : volume 3

I woke up early. Washed up nicely. Made sure my clothes were crisp. Got ready my portfolio documents. And wore my gold "success" tie.

The last time I had an interview at SMU was 3 years ago at the old campus. Back then it was much easier. Professor Dawn and Kirpal were interviewing me. Back then no "success" tie, so was wearing my blingified watch that spelt "BILLIONARE". In caps. It didnt take much convincing for them to say, "Ok I think it's safe to say you're an SMU student".

Today was different. After beating 2 sub-bosses which belonged to the School of Business Deanery, I had to face my final boss. Associate Dean Professor Francis Koh. This final boss would decide my fate.

Once we got seated in his office, I was all ready to sell. Before I could summon my portfolio document attack, he immediately went friendly and informal. Turns out Prof Francis is a really nice person. At first he tried to convince me I could get a banking job with a social science degree, and he told me a list of people who were successful with a arts degree. Namely Lee Hsian Loong, Claire Chiang and Lee Kuan Yew. But I served it up straight, and told him that business was my only passion.

He was very patient with me, and he listened to every word I said. It wasn't long before he had the "gee this son-of-a-bitch won't die" look which suggested that I may need to be transferred, or physically removed from the office by forceful means.

Because of a technicality with the quotas allowable for students in each school, he said that it would be hard to transfer. He paused. It felt like 5 minutes of him just in a frozen gaze. Like summoning his energy for his final move. "Hypothetically," he said. "HYPOTHETICALLY... hypothetically ok?" he repeated. Ok Francis I get you now. "Hypothetically... what if I waive the requirements for double degree, and let you do a double degree instead?"

'Are you joking? That's even better than transferring!' I thought to myself. However, in a game of poker face one must refrain from jumping and laughing at all cost.

So there it was. Francis said goodbye and promised that there were no promises, but he'd do his best to arrange something. I was very grateful. He had been very honest and patient with me.

The only twist in the side-scrolling platforming multi-player game was that Francis suggested I speak to his boss. The mother / father of all bosses in the School of Business, the DEAN.

After the nice talk with Francis. I got a letter from the Dean saying that, yes, he would like to see me on Monday, but no, they would not change their decision about allowing me to transfer. Nice.