talk

Just don't give a shit. That's my advice Claire.

Blogging. One of the internet buzzwords of our time. 20 years down the road our kids will download a software that will allow them to surf internet V1.0 and have a good laugh over their parents incriminating clubbing photos posted on their blog back in the day when people still blogged.

Sometimes I wonder why I still blog. I wonder if I really need people to read what I write, and I think, no not really. I've never been the person to give a shit about what people think (unless asked!), so it really doesn't matter either if people are reading it I guess. So in short I suppose it doesn't really matter to me.

However, one thing I have displeasure with is the fact that even the crappiest random people know how you're doing. Even your shittiest friend from yonks will know you started school this week. You're sharing your story with anyone. I believe it is nice to let your good friends know about certain things rather than having your little online pity party with anonymous87 and gang.

I like to think of my life as a series of errors in judgement. And I'd like to think that even though I don't care for affirmation, I hope someone who reads will learn a thing or two from every lapse in judgement I've made.

More importantly it's just nice to have a space where you can say FUCK THAT and make sure your proof of displeasure is recorded for future reference in case you anticipate further lapses in judgement. A sacred place where you can reaffirm your thoughts by typing them out as words and making sure you stick to your guns. It's like a contract where anonymous87 is your guarantor.

So there it is.

I was watching the Hills today and I was thinking why the hell is my life so boring. If they made my life into a show it would be shown on weekday afternoons after Days of our Lives. And in english with chinese subtitles. But back to the question. Why the hell?

There are days I wake up and I'm thinking why the fuck am I doing all this. Today was the first day of school and I felt so lost for some reason. I felt like another cow in the prairie. Maybe I've just been out of it for 4 months, so that could be part of it. We had a short round of introductions in our class today and we were supposed to say what we did during summer and I was like Ian... blah blah... year 3 social science student... blah blah 2 internships. I mean whatever. When Steph said she did an internship helping unemployed workers I was thinking now that's an interesting internship.

Watching David go I felt really happy for him. But then I was thinking ok Ian so what the fuck are you going to do about doing what you wanna do? I am getting so many of these thoughts these days that it's really getting to me. Was I supposed to end up here?

Things weren't supposed to be this way. I wasn't supposed to want to work in an office. I was supposed to be a zoologist in South Africa. An artist in NY. A rock star in tokyo. I wasn't supposed to be the boring one.

As I've said before, being in SMU, you kinda follow the herd. Wherever's the safest, wherever earns you the money. Sometimes I have an out of body experience where I can go what the fuck is Ian talking about? I should just shut the fuck up sometimes when I talk about work.

I have no idea why these thoughts keep coming. And especially now. Maybe 23 years is a long time of not doing something you really want to do, maybe 23 years a little late. I mean I just don't want to be the loser who said I didn't take the chance when I had it. This isn't some resume, this is my life.

Tmrw is the first day of school but luckily my classes start on tues. Time flies huh? I mean I'm so over being overly sentimental about school and everything but it's just amazing how quickly we're in our 3rd year of school.

Alot has changed. Alot. I think if I saw myself as a freshie I might have had a good laugh haha. The wierd thing about growing up is looking back you think wtf was I thinking haha.

It's wierd thinking of going back to school. Gosh I feel damn old after that "holiday". Maybe with some sleep I'll be back to normal haha. I can't wait for the berms and jeans and tshirts and jackets again. I don't even know where my pens are.

What will be fun is seeing the freshies. Struggling with the stupid card tapping system. Meeting up with their OGs at kops. I almost forgot we called it that. I am already thinking about the mee soto at Armenian and the bryani at als jils.

Resolution this term? Be happy to do my best, and do my best to be happy. That's all I can really ask.

Tmrw is for real, the last fucking day of work. I am so happy that I'm almost sad. It's been like 5 million years since I started wearing a tie and 10 million since the end of berms.

PWCiti was great. Perfect. I'm grateful. And now I know what I want to do at the bank. But fuck that for now. FUCK that. The reason why its been on my mind for the last 5 million years is so I don't have to think about it anymore for the next 10 million.

The biggest skill (or not) I've learnt is that under pressure, sometimes you have to eat shit and act fierce. At work, no one likes the wishy washies and the willies. Today Uncle Lung brought me to the legendary trading floor, and it was like a cowboy town. There's no time to be scared or panicked. You just got to do your damn job. And even if you don't know how to, just act like you do. Be fierce. That's my new motto.

Fierce isn't being angry. It's also not about being angsty or tense. It's about fucking knowing what is going on and acting like you do even if you don't. It's about doing your best and kicking ass. Fierce. SPARTTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAA. ORD oh!!

Hey dave this song is for you.

little child - Ian

Dave leaves for Las Vegas on sat and it's kinda sad. Mike says aiyah we'll see him in Dec, but things will be quite different from now on. It's sad how we appreciate things alot more when they're scarce or missing.

Dave was always such a cute and shy kid. I made up for it by being the outspoken, chatty one. But even at children's parties, me, dave and mike could always just hang out with each other because 3 was always a crowd.

In many ways I think I haven't been a good eldest brother. And unfortunately it's a little late to say so. I dunno, I suppose all of us have always been the independent sort. We've always had 3 different lives under one roof. And I suppose it would be boring to be living the same life.

I wasn't an easy older brother. I've always had big expectations for myself and as well for my brothers. But as we grow older I am proud to see the 3 of us living our own lives. It would suck having a family of __________. We're not the same. Our strengths are different.

LV will be great for David because this is his real chance to shine. I've had such a great time in school and I hope he will too. As I look at our old photos I can't believe we've grown up so much,

I love this photo. I think it explains it all. As a kid, I was always myself. Always talkative, witty and alert. Like a little grown up stuck in a kids body. Today nothing much has changed except for maybe the waist size.

But more importantly as a kid I was never mean-spirited. I never had anything bad to say to anyone. Because in my mind I could see good in everyone. I had alot of love to share.

Today however, things have changed abit. Not on the inside, but more on the outside. When we grow up we automatically toughen up to face shit. We do that by being able to curse at others, complain, gossip and speak ill of other people. Guilty as charged.

I remember it was in jc when I first started making fun of people (ever!). It felt so uncomfortable, but it felt safer to be on the side of those who were making fun of others than being made fun of. Even today as grown ups it manifests itself in saying bad things about others. It's like a knee jerk reaction.

I think today, talking to Cheryl really made me feel like I think this isn't me at all. It's just a defensive reaction which helps me feel better. But that's no reason to be mean or talk bad about anyone.

Inside, I've always been the same person I was as a kid. Intrinsically full of love for people. I think I've reached a point where it's ok to be me. I've always thought well of people, always wanted to help my friends, always wanted to make a difference. It's time the real me stood up. I won't be as witty or funny and as glib, but I think I will feel alot more like myself on the inside. And that's a promise to myself.

My Version

It is patient
Like a tree
Always around the corner
Maybe this one, or the next
It is simple
Not complicated
No pretence
Laughter like children
Silence that is natural not awkward
No guessing of words or actions
I can smile
Even after a long day
Warmth not heat
Ember not flame
Gentle like waves
No rushing of tides
Yellows and no blues
As constant as time
Always looking forward to
Like a Friday or a Saturday
Helping me be a better person
Inspiring me to work harder
To live better
Knowing I am trying
All that I can
Never judging
Twisting words
Or questioning this or that
Just taking me
All of me
Just me
And my version

I took half an hour thinking whether to send the e-mail to Alfred and in the end I sent it. I don't know why I did, but I volunteered to come back to help my department with their daily reports when school starts. Maybe the lack of sleep had killed my brain cells.

Sitting in the shuttle bus home I was like omg what did I just do. Of course working with my department has great benefits like attending the lectures and training. But I am still sitting on the fence about my decision. I mean I can always say I was unable to change my timetable, but shit seriously I am wondering if this is a wise decision or not.

The work is easy actually. 2 hours and I'm off. By now I can probably do it blindfolded with my hands tied at the back. The office is also just 15 minutes away from school. Honestly the biggest draw to this was having one foot into a real job when I graduate. I actually also enjoy learning about the random things that happen in the bank.

But shit I planned to have fun at school this term. Dammit I dunno really. Gross I feel abit like slapping myself. I think I'll be thinking clearer once I have a good night's rest tonight.

Met Alan at his office today and went to Starbucks for coffee. Franklin Templeton is just across the road so it wasn't hard to get there. Friendly guy. AC boy also. From Deutsche to UBS to Templeton. Must not be too shabby then. Speaking to him he said the job involved meeting alot of companies, and also forecasting P&L and calculating ratios. Which funnily enough sounds related to what I've done at pdubs and citi combined. He said the stress of managing funds is like a dull pain. Low intensity but always there. Ouch.

I wonder if this might be something I will enjoy doing as compared to corporate banking? Only recently have I been able to see the full scope of what my department does, and this has really heightened my appreciation for my work. So I'm thinking if I should try something new or stick to something familiar next year? Whatever it is I'm just glad I won't have to think about it just yet.

I just wish we had more time to try absolutely everything. Uni (if not maybe MBA) is our last stop before work and schools should really emphasize learning on the job rather than in the classroom. At times I think "how the fuck would I know this if not for the fact that I'm here now?" And I don't think it's good that people should go into jobs without knowing wth it is they're really doing until they regret it.

It's frrrrriiiiidaaaayyyy! By today most of my friends will have ended their internships and be enjoying their last 2 weeks of hols before school starts. It's so amazing thinking about the experiences my friends have had this summer and I can't wait to see everyone in school to find out how their summer went.

I'm at my desk now eating a tuna sandwich and typing this on e-mail because they block blogspot here. Despite the fact that it can get damn boring here at times I am always grateful I got my shot at this. It's been very fulfilling helping my boss managing some of the accounts in Citibank. I've learnt alot about myself the last few months. I've learnt most importantly you just need to do something you're proud of. something that brings in enough income for you and your family. And something that gives you the time to spend with the people you love the most.

At citi in particular, I've really enjoyed learning the ins and outs of being in a bank. In a serious environment where all our work add up to the billions, age works against you, and I've learnt that you need to be mature, calm, polished and capable if you want others to look up to you. Not that I am haha but its something I've observed.

I've also learnt to always ask questions. Always write things down. Be meticlous with details. Reply e-mails immediately. Bug people persistently. Be polite always. Accept OT without making a face. Always wear your tie even if no one else is. I've also learned v lookup and pivot tables on excel haha. Was damn proud of that haha.

I sat down with my boss for a "heart to heart" talk after I asked him to tell me more about the cash and trade products that we offer. ( BTW Citi is the number one cash management and trade bank here). He explained alot of things that I'd never learn in a finance class about our business, industry, the clients. People always think "oh investment banking", but really the world of finance is too wide to limit ourselves to one particular area. There are so many other non-investment products like cash and trade. At citibank, it's the corporate relationship bankers that really see the clients, take them out for dinner, who really understand them well and know where we can support them. They sell all the products. And that's really interesting. I encourage anyone who thinks investment banking is the way to go to really consider their options before they know wth they are talking about. The world of money and business is too big to just be another donkey following another tail. Go out and find something you are interested in. Don't just follow the crowd.

In all I am very grateful for Alfred letting me join last minute. He has been very kind to me and he has allowed me to see how the business really works. I respect the fact that Alfred heads our department and still manages to always be positive. The rest of the department is normally waist deep in work and too busy to even smile. Alfred said with a laugh that he intentionally made me go to the managers to collect account information from all them as a form of a test because they're so hard to catch. And I passed! I felt very honoured when he said that I have what it takes to make management trainee, and I will definately consider this as an option when school ends. I am very encouraged because it's been such an uphill climb for me the last couple of months, and I think that I've finally had my payoff.

Next week will be busy (thankfully) because Alfred has kindly asked me to attend 2 training sessions for the managers dealing with new trade policies as well as some hedging/FX. I was quite intimidated at first but I know it will be interesting. On Monday I will be meeting one of the VPs at Franklin Templeton because I'm very interested to know about their fund management business and I'm already planning my work for next summer. Things at work are slowly winding up and I can start thinking about school.

I can't wait for school to start! I seriously feel 10 years older than before. Or more. This holiday I really feel like I have changed alot inside. You will probably see it in my eyes. Because I sure can feel it in my bones. But I am grateful it's been such a fulfilling holiday, and I'm looking forward to the coming few months because I forsee special times ahead. A gut feeling that things are going to be great this term.

Was quite a good day. My boss needed me to help him tabulate some data so he could start picking companies to concentrate on and start pushing deals with. Learnt a shit lot of excel in one morning.

During lunch I went to town to buy Sam's GMAT book for him and met Jase and Serene for lunch at food republic.

Ok so actually that's about it haha.