I think I've been feeling a little down lately because I've just given up on work. I'm still churning out the report and speaking to analysts but somehow the work doesn't do it for me anymore.

You want the truth. It's always a fun idea to have a job that everyone wants. The prestige is great for inflating egos. It's also a fun idea to earn more than most. But when I went away I realized who the hell really cares. When school is over who is going to give a damn if you earn more than everyone else? Who is going to congratulate you when you've got your whole life confined to a desk?

Maybe the problem with me is I've always judged my success by other peoples' yardsticks, by the number of times people have said congratulations. I am not proud of that. It shows a great weakness for vanity. The problem is that when no one is looking we have to face our biggest critic, ourselves. And I am sick of running from that. I work extremely hard, and it's time I work for what I really want.

Thinking about the last couple of years it amazes me that I've pushed so hard for something I wasn't even sure of. People who know me best know that I've always been myself as a person, and maybe somewhere along the way I stopped thinking of myself when it came to my work.

Perhaps the biggest consolation is that through the last 4 years I've managed to figure out what I want for myself, and I finally feel like I have more guts than I thought.

Sometimes I feel like a furnace. Not like a fireplace. Like a broiler.

Sometimes I get agitated or annoyed. But its the same heat that makes me feel strongly about things. Like life. And working hard. Being creative. Chasing dreams.

The problem is when the temperature gets too hot.

So one of the things I need to work on is a thermostat. It's difficult because it almost feels like it's in every part of me.

But I think I need to work on it. And so I promise I will.

I have something to admit about this blog. I don't like to read the thoughts I've written down before.

More often than not I find myself cringing. How angry that post was. How emo, how poser, how ridiculous, how shortsighted and how could I have been thinking that? Just a couple of things I (and maybe you) have thought.

That's the problem with writing your thoughts down. And whether its a diary, or a blog, or a microsoft word document, it really doesn't matter. It's just embarrassing whether or not someone reads it. It's like a documentation of everything good and bad, where the in-betweens are scarce.

Despite the fact that it sucks to be reminded that you were a fool. I like the fact that your every transition is documented in words. I haven't looked at some of my earlier posts, but I know that they've really changed alot. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm most happy when I'm changing and growing.

It feels good knowing that somewhere between Post No. 16 and Post No.161 there's been a slow but sure change from someone that I'm embarrassed of to someone I'm proud to be.

So maybe by the time No.361 comes around I'll be looking back at this point thinking what a dumbass I used to be. And maybe I'll never stop thinking like that. But at least I'll be a much better dumbass than I used to be.

Haven't had the chance to write much recently because of everything that's been going on. Work has been the same but there's tons of things happening outside of work.

I'm currently working on a research study with NYU on bilingualism and psychology. In addition I just met up with Prof Tov yesterday and I'll also be helping him with his psych research on happiness and well-being. Tov works with one of the leading psychologists in positive psychology and that is majorly exciting. The harvard lessons are also ongoing and getting to be a little taxing.

Some of the other things I'm exploring is setting up a educational talk for schools, and creating a health related social networking site like facebook.

I was supposed to write some articles for the school magazine on psych but I wonder if that's ever going to come about.

I've been really busy, but I've also been very happy. I think for too long I've been doing the right things (internships) for the wrong reasons (prestige) and I am so glad that I had the chance to say "I tried it, but I don't like it, and that's ok".

When I was 12 I was sitting in the car and we drove through Raffles Place. I laughed at the people dressed in office attire and I told my dad that that would never be me.

After working as one of those people, I have great respect for an office job, especially a finance one. But I turn to my 12 year old self for the wisdom that you just have to be true to yourself at the end of the day.

Just finished my midterms online. I'm doing this psychology course with Harvard on happiness and it's been amazing. It's been an eye opener.

I sometimes wonder why people like to put themselves in categories. Arts student, Business student. Banker, Social worker. Nerdy, Cool. Artist, Scientist. It's almost like we force a stereotype upon ourselves. And we are alot more interesting than a stereotype. So why should we be only one type of person?

For a long time I couldn't reconcile where my personality fit it, where my career goals were, or how I wanted to live my life. And I've given up because it doesn't make sense trying to be a 2 dimensional figure. It's just best to be me.

So what if school ends in a few months? I'm still Ian. Part writer, part artist, part workaholic, part white collar worker, part bohemian, part conservative, part liberal, part nerdy, part hedonist, part something else.

Since I began to embrace all my interests I've been alot happier and it's made me feel like, well, me again. And I hope you can also give yourself the permission to feel like you too.