My Name Is Ian

2010-01-22T20:47:00.002+08:00

Hello. It's been awhile hasn't it? I don't even know where to begin.

What a crazy year it's been. Crazy. I barely recognize my life anymore. I graduated in April, and then all of a sudden time has slipped into some kind of Star Trekish "push it!" vortex.

It's Friday night, and it's just about closing time at the shop. It's been 4 months since we've opened and I still don't believe we're running a restaurant.

I decided to start writing again because so many things have changed in my life and I want to remember every step of this crazy journey.

There are so many things to say but for now I'm just glad to be writing again.

More soon. Bonne nuit for now.

2009-08-15T00:22:00.014+08:00

A few weeks ago a huge package arrived at my doorstep and all I can say is that my life has changed ever since. Meet Diana F+. This film camera was originally designed in the 1960's in Hong Kong, and the lomographic society has brought her back in her full analogue, retro-geek glory.

I love taking photos, and if you feel the same way you'll love this camera. When I was growing up I always enjoyed taking photos in film. Then the sexy compact digital cameras showed up and my life was never the same. But over the years I lost interest in taking photos because the photos were always dull and flat. Photoshop is an option, but I always felt that there's certain integrity that you lose when you manipulate an image with a computer. Then came Diana. And friends.

I ordered the Diana F+ deluxe kit from http://www.lomographyasia.com which arrived in 3 working days. The kit contains every crazy accessory you can find for the camera. Being a completely manual camera, it allows you to have control over all of your shots. But that's where your control ends. Your lens, exposure, film and lighting succumbs to the magic of the Diana camera. And you'll see how. The Diana operates on 120mm film, but the kit includes a 35mm adapter which allows you to shoot on regular film (which I use). Well enough talk and let's have some walk. Check out some photos I've taken in my first roll of film. I didn't edit the photos so you see the real color reproduction of the shots.

This was my first day out with my camera so not too bad all things considered haha. But why get a Diana if there are other cameras like Holga and Lomo? Only the Diana allows you to use widely available instant films. Subsequently I bought an adapter for the Diana which allows you to use polaroid film like the easily found Fuji Instax film. The results are crazy cool!

I am a hardcore skeptic. But after these few weeks of messing around with my Diana camera I've been sold on film photography. I've taken some of the most memorable shots with the Diana and I'm really glad I've gotten back into film photography. There's a certain jenesaisquoi about film photography that megapixels can't fully replace. Film can't be a substitute for digital, but damn I tell you film cameras have some kinda magic.

Thanks Laura ;-)

2009-08-01T22:42:00.002+08:00

Yesterday Uncle Keng Long and Auntie Ting Ting came over for dinner. The usual little dinner after they come back from a long trip of traveling. Mom and Bap likes to have them over for dinner because they're great company and after being on the road so long they could always use a home cooked meal.

Uncle Keng Long works as a music producer for Mandarin artists like Li Hom and David Tao. It's funny because sometimes I see him in the music videos when I go for KTV. Despite his huge success it strikes me as amazing that they're one of the most down to earth and genuine people you could meet.

Uncle Keng Long is hugely talented. He's probably the best music producer in Singapore by a longshot. In terms of the music industry he's done it all. And when you meet someone like him it's inspiring.

Sometimes I wonder if I have any talent for anything. Not little hobbies or dabbling in things. But like an amazing talent. Something that you could really move people with. Something great. Jon is a talented musician. Galym is super at world history. Thomas is good at math. Chloe is good at singing. Neil is good at talking haha.

But that's talent isn't it. It's either you have it or you don't.

2009-07-11T00:49:00.003+08:00

I am so tired right now but I have to write.

Just came back from our prom and I feel really happy.

So many friends that I care about all together in one place. Just looking at the photos makes me smile.

I have been blessed with meeting some of my best friends in the last 4 years. And that's the most priceless thing I've got from school.

For every person who I call my friend, I am so grateful for you, and I'm glad we've shared a part of our lives together.

2009-07-01T00:31:00.003+08:00

Not writing with any purpose in mind tonight. Just came back from Vincent's wedding. We've known each other for 5 years now and I'm super happy for him. Not long ago we used to go KTV drinking rubbish carlsberg and with him sending me back on his bike. Funny how things have changed so much and so little as well. After the wedding we were laughing and mocking each other, and for a second it felt like we were back in time again, exactly where things left off.

It's been a long week for me. Been feeling on the verge of coming down with something. I'm extremely exhausted. Work and otherwise. A couple of messy things happened. None of which I actually chose to participate in. Life is all about decisions, and as far as humanly possible, I avoid complications and the people who bring them. I think anyone who really knows me would understand. And I am so grateful for the simple but amazing friendships that have kept me going all along.

In the face of a dilemma or a decision, all it takes is a short pause for thought, being yourself, and standing your ground about your own values. And for the most part, it's worked. I think everyone is human. Everyone fucks up. But its really what you do about it that makes all the difference.

With some of the rubbish that's finally ended lately I've been feeling like I need a proper break. An escape from everything and everyone. Sometimes I see a jacket on a store rack and my mind escapes to New York for a moment. For a second I can almost feel like I'm actually there. And although I know I'll be there next year, I've been wishing lately that I had gone.

Everytime I see that coat on my hanger I see alot of things. My dreams. My life. A restart button that I can't wait to press. And I've earned it.

2009-05-20T19:28:00.002+08:00

Just within 2 days my family's life has been changed. Yesterday we signed the contract and today I got my acceptance letter. I feel so blessed.

One thing I've learned is to be open to unexpected changes in life, both good and bad. Sometimes we hold onto the identities we have: anything from sports person, academic, friend, banker, lawyer etc. but what happens when everything changes? Anything can change overnight. It's important not to cling to these identities too tightly because life is unpredictable.

We can only try our best, be content, and still hope that things turn out for the best for us.

The reality is barely sinking in. I still cannot believe I made it. It just doesn't compute. I have worked so hard. Not just this semester. Not just the last couple of years. But my whole life. And I think maybe I've finally arrived somewhere.

2009-05-19T00:44:00.002+08:00

School ending has been the best thing to happen to me since school started. Things just feel alot more relaxed and it's just been really great. I haven't felt like such an even balance between work and play in maybe ever.

So the real work has started but it has been good so far. E-mailing, locating suppliers, coming up with the concepts and piecing everything together has been a jumble but it's nice being on top of every detail.

It's weird but between the time school ended and now I feel like I've grown up. It's like someone handed me the mantle of adulthood and asked me to get going.

This is the real world bitches.

2009-05-04T00:16:00.002+08:00

Heya. Really been awhile since I wrote anything here. I think I'm outgrowing the idea of blogging.

Alot has happened the last few weeks. School has ended. I've had 2 amazing holidays with some of my closest friends. And there's something really exciting happening for my family in the next couple of months.

I was expecting some sort of sentimentality with the end of school but funny enough it hasn't been so. I guess it was about time school ended. And now I can finally get on with the rest of life.

I have alot to look forward to. And although I seldom check in with the big guy up there, I'm really grateful to God for everything in my life. I am blessed.

2009-04-04T12:32:00.001+08:00

On Wednesday Margi microwaved the sushi I bought from Isetan.

2009-02-26T17:45:00.002+08:00

It's a little scary, exciting and nerve wracking thinking about it. So everything's been done and all there is left to do is wait. One part of me says omg wouldn't it be exciting, but the realistic part of me says don't even think about it. I know my life won't be the same if all goes well.

I've decided to deal with it as though it isn't going to happen. If it happens, it happens. But for now I've done my best and I'm just going to keep moving, and keep working.

I feel grateful for the chances I've had and the people I met. Whether it happens or not I am blessed.

2009-02-22T19:15:00.002+08:00

On Friday night we went for the party that Steve organized. I usually don't like to go to the bars or clubs if humanly possible but I thought I'd make an exception. Turns out everyone was there. So many old friends and faces from the good old AC days. Everyone you wanted and didn't want to see packed into that bar at Fullerton. It was great though. I wouldn't have caught up with that many people if I gave it a miss.

As I was sitting there at our table I could see the other tables with their different circles, and it was just nice to see how everyone was still in touch and together. These were friends from primary school and beyond, and it was good to know everyone's grown up together.

As school ends, it's just nice to know that even if I didn't learn a single thing in class, or even if I don't have that USD$5000 job, I've got my friends for life.

2009-02-13T22:58:00.003+08:00

Heya! Yikes it's been awhile since I wrote anything here. I just saw the date on the last post and it's been a month since. Time really flies. In exactly 2 months from this date I am officially done with school. How weird is that?

Some of my best friends just got their job offers so congrats! Dinner on you haha!

Since I took the leap and chose to pursue my interest in psych my schedule has been pretty different. I've been helping Professor Tov on this exciting study on the benefits of journaling. I've also been going to NUS (YES NUS) to help Prof Hong on some studies on Schizophrenia.

Dr Collinson said some research positions in schizophrenia will be opening up at the NUS-Duke medical school so he asked me to contact him again in March if I'm interested in full-time work which is also extremely exciting.

I think one thing I've learned is that you shouldn't sell out on your long-term goals. Over the last months I've been tempted to just find a well-paying job or get into a free masters program, but you know life is full of opportunities, and sometimes you have to say no to things which may only be good for you in the short run. If you're going to say yes to every damn thing that comes your way you'll never live the life you want to.

2009-01-13T01:31:00.002+08:00

I just had dinner with Dzeike and we went for Lan after that. We've been playing this mad game called left 4 dead thanks to Steve. It's 1am and I feel like a zombie could pop out behind me from the toilet any second haha.

I am always reminded that I have the best family and friends ever. They are the ones who make me Ian. Without them I'm really nothing. And that is by no means an overstatement.

So you. Yes you, you know who you are. You inner circle peeps. Don't ever think for a second I am not grateful for you. You mean everything to me, and I am so glad you are a part of my life.

2009-01-12T00:46:00.002+08:00

I haven't been this upset or sad in a long time. If this were me a couple of years ago I don't think I could have handled it.

Although I saw it coming, I didn't realize that it would affect me alot more than I thought.

At the same time I'm surprised that I've managed to deal with it this well.

If I didn't have my family, my friends and my life as support I don't think I would been able to cope with it. I'm really grateful for everything in my life.

Today was a reminder that I have my own weakness, but it's how I deal with it that really matters.

2008-12-19T22:33:00.002+08:00

YOZUSH. I don't know yozush who, but maybe yozush blogspot. I haven't been on for awhile because I've been pretty busy lately. Surprise.

I have been doing some super exciting psychology stuff. I am so excited. 11 upon 10 excited!

Christmas is coming! I am screwed cuz I have barely started shopping. GROSS POSS. And I noticed anglish is back as well.

**BTW MY BROTHER DAVID GOT INTO CORNELL!!** We are all super happy for him. Mom is almost more happy about the idea she gets to have an ivy son. David has been working super hard so he super deserves this. It's his big break. Beat the ivy league bitches! But Stanford for the win as well haha.

I got Dave's christmas card saying I was his inspiration. But are you kidding? Dave is now my inspiration. He is true testimony to the fact that you can do it if you fucking want something. That's something that our dad taught us and it's true.

The moral of the story is if you #@$%ing want something, go and $#%&ing get off your ass and be the %$&#ing best you can be.

Of course bap didn't quite say it like that.

2008-11-27T23:51:00.002+08:00

I think I've been feeling a little down lately because I've just given up on work. I'm still churning out the report and speaking to analysts but somehow the work doesn't do it for me anymore.

You want the truth. It's always a fun idea to have a job that everyone wants. The prestige is great for inflating egos. It's also a fun idea to earn more than most. But when I went away I realized who the hell really cares. When school is over who is going to give a damn if you earn more than everyone else? Who is going to congratulate you when you've got your whole life confined to a desk?

Maybe the problem with me is I've always judged my success by other peoples' yardsticks, by the number of times people have said congratulations. I am not proud of that. It shows a great weakness for vanity. The problem is that when no one is looking we have to face our biggest critic, ourselves. And I am sick of running from that. I work extremely hard, and it's time I work for what I really want.

Thinking about the last couple of years it amazes me that I've pushed so hard for something I wasn't even sure of. People who know me best know that I've always been myself as a person, and maybe somewhere along the way I stopped thinking of myself when it came to my work.

Perhaps the biggest consolation is that through the last 4 years I've managed to figure out what I want for myself, and I finally feel like I have more guts than I thought.

2008-11-24T20:02:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I feel like a furnace. Not like a fireplace. Like a broiler.

Sometimes I get agitated or annoyed. But its the same heat that makes me feel strongly about things. Like life. And working hard. Being creative. Chasing dreams.

The problem is when the temperature gets too hot.

So one of the things I need to work on is a thermostat. It's difficult because it almost feels like it's in every part of me.

But I think I need to work on it. And so I promise I will.

2008-11-16T23:14:00.002+08:00

I have something to admit about this blog. I don't like to read the thoughts I've written down before.

More often than not I find myself cringing. How angry that post was. How emo, how poser, how ridiculous, how shortsighted and how could I have been thinking that? Just a couple of things I (and maybe you) have thought.

That's the problem with writing your thoughts down. And whether its a diary, or a blog, or a microsoft word document, it really doesn't matter. It's just embarrassing whether or not someone reads it. It's like a documentation of everything good and bad, where the in-betweens are scarce.

Despite the fact that it sucks to be reminded that you were a fool. I like the fact that your every transition is documented in words. I haven't looked at some of my earlier posts, but I know that they've really changed alot. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm most happy when I'm changing and growing.

It feels good knowing that somewhere between Post No. 16 and Post No.161 there's been a slow but sure change from someone that I'm embarrassed of to someone I'm proud to be.

So maybe by the time No.361 comes around I'll be looking back at this point thinking what a dumbass I used to be. And maybe I'll never stop thinking like that. But at least I'll be a much better dumbass than I used to be.

2008-11-11T18:00:00.002+08:00

Haven't had the chance to write much recently because of everything that's been going on. Work has been the same but there's tons of things happening outside of work.

I'm currently working on a research study with NYU on bilingualism and psychology. In addition I just met up with Prof Tov yesterday and I'll also be helping him with his psych research on happiness and well-being. Tov works with one of the leading psychologists in positive psychology and that is majorly exciting. The harvard lessons are also ongoing and getting to be a little taxing.

Some of the other things I'm exploring is setting up a educational talk for schools, and creating a health related social networking site like facebook.

I was supposed to write some articles for the school magazine on psych but I wonder if that's ever going to come about.

I've been really busy, but I've also been very happy. I think for too long I've been doing the right things (internships) for the wrong reasons (prestige) and I am so glad that I had the chance to say "I tried it, but I don't like it, and that's ok".

When I was 12 I was sitting in the car and we drove through Raffles Place. I laughed at the people dressed in office attire and I told my dad that that would never be me.

After working as one of those people, I have great respect for an office job, especially a finance one. But I turn to my 12 year old self for the wisdom that you just have to be true to yourself at the end of the day.

2008-11-04T22:29:00.002+08:00

Just finished my midterms online. I'm doing this psychology course with Harvard on happiness and it's been amazing. It's been an eye opener.

I sometimes wonder why people like to put themselves in categories. Arts student, Business student. Banker, Social worker. Nerdy, Cool. Artist, Scientist. It's almost like we force a stereotype upon ourselves. And we are alot more interesting than a stereotype. So why should we be only one type of person?

For a long time I couldn't reconcile where my personality fit it, where my career goals were, or how I wanted to live my life. And I've given up because it doesn't make sense trying to be a 2 dimensional figure. It's just best to be me.

So what if school ends in a few months? I'm still Ian. Part writer, part artist, part workaholic, part white collar worker, part bohemian, part conservative, part liberal, part nerdy, part hedonist, part something else.

Since I began to embrace all my interests I've been alot happier and it's made me feel like, well, me again. And I hope you can also give yourself the permission to feel like you too.

2008-10-26T10:05:00.002+08:00

Last post before Singapore. The Boersma's opened up their presents and everything fit! It was so nice to see them trying on their new clothes and it felt like christmas. Oh I am going to miss them so much. Please don't let the airport be an emo moment. I feel so sad just thinking about not seeing them everyday.

What a ride it's been. I mean I couldn't have asked for more. I've made a promise that things are going to be different when I go back and I think it will. I feel so blessed to have been able to see more of the world, and I think there's been alot of growing up thats been done in these couple of months.

I'm still not ready to leave. But I don't think I could have asked for more. I will always think of everyone that I have met, every place that I have been, and every dream that I've set out to make since I've left home.

2008-10-25T11:08:00.002+08:00

So it's a day before I fly and everything's almost packed up. What a couple of months it's been. The honest truth is that I've had the best time of my life and I think I've changed alot being able to go away and step out of the fray for awhile. I wonder if things will be different when I'm back, and I'm determined to remember all the things that I've learned the past 4 months.

I feel super sad to leave because it's been so amazing. One of the main reasons I have for not wanting to go back is that I'm afraid I'll slip into the same habits that I used to have. You know just being caught up with work, being too serious. Did I mention being too serious? I am so grateful for every minute that I've spent in California, New York and Toronto. It's made me a better person, a more grateful person, and a happier one for sure.

2008-10-19T10:46:00.002+08:00

Today it was fun to spend some time with Jason in Toronto. We basically ate walked and shopped our way through toronto. We had such a good time.

Today I also bought presents for my aunt's family. It felt so good buying things without looking at the price tag. They have been so extremely good to me and it was fitting that they got the best presents ever. I have had such a great time here and I am going to miss them like hell. I can't wait to see the look on their faces when they get their presents.

2008-10-14T03:27:00.002+08:00

In many ways I'm going to miss being away, but at the same time I really look forward to coming back.

I can't believe I'll be home in 2 weeks. I really don't know where the time went, and looking at the photos it's been the most amazing 4 months ever.

One of the reasons why I look forward to going home is because I think I've made some fundamental changes in my life and I think it's going to be a fresh start when I get back. I've made some big plans and I can't wait to get to work on them.

Credit crisis and graduation? Whatever. I think I've worked my ass off my whole school life and there's no point being pessimistic now.

2008-10-10T11:23:00.006+08:00

Parsons!

Did I tell you guys that me and Dave ran into one of the project runway contestants when we were in NY? That was quite funny. Everytime I watch the show I'm always thinking "damn I should have done art instead". So instead of being sour grapes, this time I followed the contestants and did some sketches according to the challenge.

I think when you think outside the box, you can basically apply the same kind of principles to any kind of art, and that includes clothes.

Tim Gunn, I'll see you at Bryant Park.

the emilia

the evelyn

the shiqin

the tiff

the boons

the angs

the lees

Bryant Park someday

2008-10-09T12:43:00.005+08:00

The Song I Wrote For You - Ian

Yesterday night I managed to record a new song I wrote. I think it's not bad for 2 hours of work. I've been watching too much Gossip Girl and I totally ran out of ideas for the chorus so you'll hear where I got the tune of the chorus from haha. The rest of it is original though.

Recently there's been alot of very jack johnson, rachael yamagata relaxed vocals so I thought I'd do something that's laid back in the same way. It's inspired by Soho. Hope you like it.

lyrics:

I wrote a letter
To make you feel better
I'll do whatever it takes

I wrote you a love song
So you can sing along
And if it won your heart over

Everybody wants your lonely heart
No one knows you like I do
Baby put your trust in me and in you

I'm willing to wait
Serve me up on your plate
To be there some day when you're ready

I'm willing to do my part
To mend the hole in your heart
I'll do my part just to love you

2008-10-03T12:58:00.002+08:00

I think the best thing about going away is that you realize what you miss and you don't miss. It's like moving into a new apartment. You only keep the things that matter because you know you can't live without them.

Since weijols came I've been thinking of all my best friends, and it's been so good to hear from them even though we're a gazillion miles away doing a gaziliion different things. I really appreciate the friends who've been keeping in touch. It's funny how being apart makes you closer to your best friends.

I think friendship can be measured by how much you want to hug your friends haha. OMG I think I miss you guys badly.

2008-10-02T13:45:00.002+08:00

Ok so I think NY is officially off this fall, which is actually a good thing because I really didn't want to rush a vacay to the big apple. But I will be missing it for sure. My god I think I need to get over it by watching some Gossip Girl, which of course is like getting over smoking by watching malboro ads.

Have you heard the song Hot and Cold by Kate Perry? Omg its super funny and so's the video. I was listening to it and I was just thinking. It reminded me of like a conversation I would have with my old self. Well at least if I ever did have a conversation. And a hot girl in a bridal costume standing around while I was having that conversation. Anyways.

Speaking of weird things I've been watching Dexter on dvd. It's about a good serial killer. It's a pretty twisted show. I get pretty uncomfortable watching it actually. One night I was sleeping and had this dream about a murder and all of a sudden I woke up with my mouth open not knowing if I had shouted in my dream or like for real. It's so weird. I never get bad dreams. What is even more weird is why the word weird is spelt "weird" and not "wierd". I always get caught by spell check.

2008-09-25T10:31:00.002+08:00

Just another day at work. During lunch I had to run off to attend a conference call for this positive psychology course I'm taking long distance with Harvard. It's like a group discussion component of the class. So I managed to find a wifi spot at one of the outdoor gardens to dial in from skype.

The TA mentioned something about being aware of the things you are grateful for can make you happy. Well I'm not surprised. I constantly remind myself of the many things that I'm grateful for and you know it works. So give it a try. I'm just glad someone said it out loud.

One of the things I am grateful for is the opportunities I've gotten. The last few months have been really amazing. I probably have the most supportive parents in the world and it sure helps.

I just e-mailed one of the professors from the counselling psychology phd program at NYU and he is interested in working with me by helping him collect data from Singapore. I am really excited because the past few months I've been thinking about doing my phd and it's a bloody good reason to go back to the city.

New York what have you done to me.

2008-09-19T10:47:00.003+08:00

Today was such a great day! Weiyi and jols came from Montreal and Minnesota to visit me in Toronto and it was so good to see them! I think I almost killed them with my hug haha. It was such an OMG feeling.

It was fun because I met them after work and I took them through the financial district. We had an amazing dinner at Torroni's with some sparkling wine to celebrate the occasion. We took a walk to the harbour where we saw some guy training his jack russell to swim after the ducks haha. I almost died laughing. The terrier had a scarf and a leather jacket made for him.

I am still pretty OMG. I've known weijols for 2 years since we went on the UBC trip to Vancouver and they've been such good friends. No matter where we are (in the world!) I always have such a good time with them.

Growing up I learned the hard way that friends come and go. But I've also learned that the best friendships last no matter where you go or what you do. Sometimes I see my parents with their best longtime friends and I know that I have people who I can count on just the same way. So here's to lifelong friends.

2008-09-17T12:26:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when I'm walking down King Street in Toronto I'm secretly praying that when I look down at my shoes and look up again I'll be back in Manhattan.

I just watched another episode of Gossip Girl and it was like a free trip back to fifth avenue. Just seeing the metlife building, the palace hotel and the met reminded me of that crazy week me and Dave spent in NY. I can't tell you how fun it was. And it was special.

I don't think it's withdrawal symptoms. I think it could be possibly far worse. Something far more insane that makes me keep playing the opening song from the pilot episode of GG. You know the whistling one. Yeah.

I don't know what it is. But if you've had a day in the city you'll know what it's like. Like something inside you changes. Either that or your entire wardrobe.

With the markets spelling doom, it's the perfect excuse to not find a job and get my ass to NY to study psychology or fashion. Where else in the world are there enough insane people and fashion types mixed together to justify 4 years of postgraduate studies. You know you love me New York. X O X O.

2008-09-10T10:30:00.002+08:00

It's my second week of work in Toronto and it's been great. Today I had to leave the office because I was sent to Bloomberg for a course. So with a map in my hand like a tourist I managed to find my way there. Just walking along the financial district of Toronto was amazing. Some parts of the city remind me of NY and I really miss it.

I haven't had a chance to lunch myself the past 2 weeks so yesterday I braved the lunch crowds and had some Indian food by myself near the stock exchange. Just watching the people walk by made me feel very excited. I am so grateful that things have worked out the way they have.

I can't believe I've been gone for 3 months. Come to think about it the only things I really miss are my friends and family. I wish you guys could see what it's been like being away. It's been refreshing. Like something I've always needed. So if you have the chance to go away for awhile and see another part of the world I'm telling you it's the best decision you can make.

It's been amazing. And I know for sure that these few months have changed me for a lifetime.

2008-09-02T10:45:00.002+08:00

A blink of an eye and it's been a week since I've arrived in Toronto. Tomorrow work starts and its the same new thing all over. A thing I find about getting older is that it makes you a little more fearless and assured.

So the job hunt is heating up as well. Graduation is in a year so now its about time when everyone sends in their job applications.

Mom called to say I got my first offer. I felt really satisfied at that point. It's nice to know that my work the last few years has paid off. Whether I find a job or not, I really feel like I have alot less to worry about now because I've done my best already. I would have never made it this far without all my friends and colleagues at the places where I've worked at.

Doing my applications and writing my cover letters, I realized I have really tried my best the couple of years. And just re-reading the things I wrote in my cover letters, I know that my effort has paid off. It's been a good lesson to me that I can do something if I put everything into it. It must be Bap's genes haha.

Despite the rocky job market, I'm feeling really positive about things in general. And you know if things don't work out as planned, whatever. I did my best.

2008-08-29T12:12:00.002+08:00

This has been a great few months. Stanford, New York and now Toronto.

The last few days has been great just catching up on rest and taking it easy. Staying with the Boersma's has been so relaxing. Since I arrived here several days ago I've been just vegging out and hanging out with Sih-Ee and Nate. It's been really nice.

So work starts on Tuesday and alot of work to do before my first day. If this were Ian2005 he'd be panicking but the last couple of years has taught me to take it easy and take one thing at a time. The bliss of growing up. Either that or plain ignorance.

The last couple of months has only reinforced the things I love about life. Family, friends and the need to be motivated and challenged in my work. I always feel grateful for the things I have and over the last couple of months I only feel more lucky. I only feel blessed because I have the support of the people I love.

So hello to all my pals in France, USA, Canada, Spain, Mexico and back home! Take care and see you guys soon.

2008-08-18T09:23:00.000+08:00

2008-08-13T05:59:00.002+08:00

Heya how's everyone been doing? I haven't written in awhile because there's been so much going on the last couple of weeks. The exams are on Thursday and by Sunday I'll be leaving Stanford. I haven't had the chance to take photos on campus but I will and you'll see why it is the most beautiful campus in North America.

Just when I was getting used to the laid-back life I realized there's tons to do. After spending some time here I decided it might be good to do a PhD in Psychology, so been practicing the GRE exams, finding more about schools, meeting professors and students. After my trip to New York I set up a meeting with the Dean of the PhD program at Berkeley so I'm really stoked and I will need to prepare for that.

As usual job applications, travel arrangements to new york, getting ready for my internship in Canada. The summer is officially over people!

It's been great here so I hope I get some time to enjoy, and I'll see you guys soon.

2008-07-29T06:45:00.002+08:00

Last Friday we went to the Great America theme park and it was wild. The bunch insisted on doing the 22 storey drop first so I almost died before the real fun began. There were even rollercoasters where you ride standing! Crazy American people.

2008-07-28T15:34:00.004+08:00

After being at Stanford for 5 weeks I realize that friendship is a currency that is universal. My closest friends here are Russian, Khazak, Brazilian, Korean and American, and I realise that even though we don't always have the same word for "dumbass", it doesn't really matter.

On Saturday we went for the John Mayer concert at Mountainview. It was so awesome because the weather was so beautiful and the amphitheatre was in the middle of mountains under the stars. With garlic fries in one hand and Pepsi in another, it was the best way to see him live. It was just me, John and 20,000 fans sprawled out on the grass.

I feel so grateful to have come to Stanford. Just to have been able to escape for abit to recharge and regroup has been one of the best things that has happened to me in a long time. I have been enjoying every moment, and it's helped to rediscover the authentic me.

2008-07-09T10:58:00.005+08:00

gay san francisco

Heya! How's it going? I guess I haven't written in awhile.

I've been having alot of fun since I arrived in SF. Stanford has been so amazing and I wish I could share it with all of you, but there are no words to describe the experience I've been having.

Life here has been so great. I made a conscious effort to come here to relax, enjoy and make as many friends as possible, and I've done that.

I haven't written much because since I've arrived I've had a real sense of peace and it's just hard to even describe that. I always write when something is on my mind, and I guess the last couple of weeks have really let me relax and feel at ease. I don't even know what to say really. I'm so grateful I had the chance to be here.

It's about 11pm now and I just came back from town. After a great fried chicken dinner I took a cycle out of campus. Stanford is so beautiful in the evenings, and with the Californian breeze and John Mayer for company, it's a joy to be in the outdoors. Had a huge cup of frozen yoghurt and went to borders to read some magazines before heading back.

There are so many things I want to share with you guys about. Like the amazing weather, beautiful campus, funny people, to-die-for food, crazy parties and awesome shopping. I'll write soon.

In the meantime take care, have lots of fun whichever part of the world you are, and cya soon!

2008-06-25T14:41:00.002+08:00

stationary

official

2008-06-24T13:03:00.004+08:00

Dorm Life

self-explanatory

my desk

2008-06-23T12:10:00.004+08:00

Narita

N Dubs

Discrimination

The 100m Toilet Paper Dash

So my Armadillo didn't get through customs

Suggestive Chicken

Crazy Red McIndian Burger

Coke gone wild

2008-06-22T02:22:00.002+08:00

So it's one hour to the airport. A few weeks ago the whole idea of leaving was just a random idea, just a really nice thought of being able to escape for abit. I haven't had the time to plan what to do there or what to expect, and I can barely believe I'm actually going.

I'm glad I had a chance to catch up with good friends before leaving. This trip means alot to me because for once I get to relax and enjoy myself.

The last couple of years have been taxing. It's been a mad whirlwind right from the start. But not the next couple of months.

Time to escape for abit. To catch my breath. To leave everything behind. And to find myself in SF. Catch you later.

2008-06-14T00:28:00.002+08:00

I have the best family.

If someone asked you "How good does water taste?" What would you say?

Is that a trick question? What do you mean how good does water taste like? Water is water isn't it? It's alright I guess. But what happened if one day we didn't have any water to drink.

That's how family is like.

Over the last few years I've really gotten to appreciate my family. While many people have come and gone, there's always one constant in life.

When David left for las vegas and Mike went to the army I really felt how important each of the Kwoks are. And now that David is back and Mikey is on holiday I feel like we're back in full-swing. 3 is the perfect number.

It's weird that we feel closer after spending some time apart. But life is weird.

2008-05-22T00:42:00.002+08:00

Been awhile since I really wrote anything. There's been nothing much happening recently I guess. Compared to the last couple of months, the hols have been so much less dramatic and tiring. It's just rolling along with ease and a lull period like this is usually followed by a huge up or down. I'm just bracing myself.

So I got Stanford and now comes the crappy bit of sending my documents and doing the visa. I am not even sure they can process it in time. About 10 years ago when I first stepped on the campus I was knocked off my socks by how great the campus was. To think I'll be going to study there just makes me want to pee. California here I come.

I'm planning to take Painting and Drawing, Golf and Investment Science classes. School is 3 days a week which only leaves me with 4 days of weekend every week. AW. Can't wait to galavant around SF with nothing but an ipod touch (which I have yet to buy) and a camera.

Just to steal some time by the beach in the sun will be lots of fun. I am so looking forward to a total time-out.

2008-05-15T21:57:00.002+08:00

seeya bitches!

-----Original Message-----
From: Summer Session [mailto:summersession@stanford.edu]
Sent: Wed 5/14/2008 1:48 AM
To: Ian KWOK Zhen Ting
Subject: Welcome to Summer Session at Stanford

Dear Ian Kwok,

We are pleased to admit you to Stanford University for Summer Session 2008! We know visiting students enhance campus life during summer quarter and benefit from the Stanford experience. Your enrollment as a Summer Visitor applies only to the 2008 summer quarter and does not imply regular admission to Stanford in the future. In addition, your admission does not contribute toward candidacy for a degree at Stanford.

We hope you will enjoy the stimulating Stanford environment and the challenges offered in our classes. Please contact the Summer Session Office at 650-723-3109 if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
Teresa Nishikawa
Director of Admission and Student Services
--

2008-05-05T22:41:00.002+08:00

1. Work hard and play even harder

2. Stop fretting over the career / graduation / oh-my-what-am-I-going-to-do-next nonsense

3. Do alot of travelling

4. Meet up with all my friends regularly

5. Stick to the fitness routine

6. Eat a healthy diet

2008-05-01T22:13:00.002+08:00

TGILaborday. Ate like a pig at american club. Pizza and Buffalo Wings. Been eating so much junk over the last few days. Ramen, Thaiexpress etc.

Work is good. I really enjoy it. I just learnt that Jason is starting work on mon at Citi!! Lunch budds to the maxxxx. The funny thing is we worked together at pwc before and now we're at citi. The funnier thing is he almost worked at templeton this summer. WTH abit like acting photocopied resumes and all. Now all I need is 10 more inches of height and join case and we're twins confirm.

2008-04-24T23:22:00.002+08:00

Well nothing much as usual. Just work again and celebrated Eric's birthday yesterday. I thought I would be dreading the start of work but actually its been quite good so far.

My department has to handle alot of agreements and fee schedules because the product managers deal with the nitty gritties of each deal. So to be honest it's not easy and it's hard to deal with so many documents especially if you don't know the processes behind them.

I was super discouraged at the start because there's just so many things to handle at one go, and I didn't know how to deal with so much work. But you know after giving my best shot, coming in earlier and leaving later than most of the people on my floor, I feel like I've earned my spot on the team.

I really take pride in my work, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job at being efficient and meticulous now. I really enjoy the work because I know that my work facilitates the deals. I think alot of people would be like FUCK so much paperwork. But you can't really escape that when you work in a big organization.

I think now I just need to keep on keeping on and to build up my confidence and familiarity with the work. There are times I feel like "how the eff am I going to do all this today??" but then somehow it just works.

It feels very different now from when I first started at Citi. I used to just do my job and hope to be able to knock off at 6 sharp, but now I am proud of my work and I really feel like I am part of the team. One way to know that you are enjoying your work is that you feel energized even right after work, just like with my time at Tangs, and that's something I feel with my my work now.

That something that's really important to me because after work is where life begins, and if your work drains you out, then you don't get to enjoy the other things in life. I'm glad things have progressed naturally without forcing, and this makes me more confident about my career choices.

2008-04-20T17:32:00.003+08:00

Went to see David Tao in concert last night. That was fun. My parents and their friends went to Uncle Kheng Long's birthday and apparently they hit it off well with David and so they got invited to his concert. The seats were great. Second row behind the David Tao Singapore fanclub. *fan girl scream*. Auntie Ting Ting brought us backstage and we got to see what it's like behind the scenes. It was a fun performance except it was weird seeing all these uncles and aunties who I've known since I was 0 dancing up and down. Uncle Leslie takes the cake with his florescent green Zegna jeans. Talk about putting on your party pants. Go uncle les haha.

In less exciting news I ran out of facewash so I decided to try the new loreal men expert range. I'm normally not inclined to bother with anything but the facewash but this time I got a toner and some anti-oil gel to see if they work. And after 2 days of trying them I have to say the stuff really works. And they're cheap. Visit www.lorealmen.com The stuff is great.

Tomorrow is the first day of work after a 2 week break. Shucks. I haven't had the time to just relax because of the poetry assignment, but I hope I will be able to catch up on rest eventually.

Uncle Norm says I might have to work in Toronto for Nov and Dec which may mean I can't follow Jase they all to the rockies shucks. See how it goes. It will be fun going when it's snowing, but I guess we'll have to see how templeton wants to fix the dates around. I am just super grateful to be going to Canada at this point. Everyone will be away and this will be my exchange.

2008-04-19T02:12:00.000+08:00

The Warrior

My name is Warrior Kwok,
And I belong to School Bus B.
I come from the land of Holland Road,
And I bring great news with me.

Our people have chosen me to lead,
And we’ve planned some nasty things.
So listen carefully to my words
Before the recess bell rings.

My ancestors have taught me well,
I am training in the art of hiding,
I can evade my fate of detention or canning
That my form teacher is now deciding.

Her leader is fierce, he is formidable,
And he goes by the name of Lee.
He canes offenders by their bums
For all in school to see.

What warrior with any self-respect
Would do this dirty deed?
So I ask for your loyalty to the end.
With honor I will lead.

Ian Kwok

2008-04-17T01:09:00.003+08:00

Been writing poetry like mad today. It's not easy trying to force 12 poems in one day but I have to submit them soon and they make up 50% of my grade. Alot of them are retarded or funny or wierd but none overly emo. Emo is abit 2006, and our prof hates the emos. I did this cock one based on the stories the prof told us about him and his wife arguing all the time. Here goes:

Wanton Mee

Our love,
Like a soggy wanton mee,
Maybe sitting out too long,
But it tastes alright to me.

Our love,
Like a Tiger Beer gone flat,
Maybe should have drank it earlier,
But where’s the fun in that?

Our love,
Like a chendol that has melted,
Maybe doesn’t look so nice.
But that’s the way nature intended.

Our love,
Like jackfruit overdue,
Maybe doesn’t smell too good,
But I don’t care if I’ve got you.

2008-04-13T01:30:00.002+08:00

Just got back from supper. Haven't written anything much in awhile because there hasn't been much to write about. No work for 2 weeks while exams are on. No internship matters to be sorted out. No more ice cream shop to worry about since mom and bap are back. Just a little peace and alot of headache from exams.

Just want to thank all my friends for making my birthday special. You know this term has probably been the most testing term for me so I am very grateful for every single one of you. I always think I live a privileged life and its only because I got my family and every one of my friends. I think doing well in school or work probably doesn't mean anything if you haven't got the people you love around you and I definitely can't ask for anything more. Thanks Dave and Mike for your wishes and Mom and Bap for the headphones!

For those of you who've taken this crazy 3 year journey with me in school I thank you for your friendship. We see each other day in day out in the libs or along the corridor until xians2000 but you have no idea how much I appreciate your friendship. You know when we meet up and you tell me the exciting things you're doing over summer or the places you're going for exchange I get really excited. It makes me happy to know all of us are going places. So thanks for being onboard this rollercoaster we've been riding together.

I really love birthdays because its the best excuse to see all your friends (even in the middle of exams!) and that's way better than any present.

So thanks everyone. Good luck for exams! and pizza party / movie marathon after our papers confirm!

2008-03-28T01:23:00.004+08:00

1.23am. 7 more minutes to bed.

Yesterday was a long day. Oh, which basically means it was a normal day. In the morning had my excel presentation for CAT class. Was fucking awesome. I felt like on fire when I presented. The prof was impressed and alot of the other groups were wowed. We even did a silly brochure. Was so worried about this for a long time. PWNAGE bitches.

Had dinner with jasereims. Fun stuff. We went to crystal jade.

Then was at the shop at 2am. Mom and Bap are away so I have to manage the shop.
The fridge alarm went off so had to drive down at midnight to shop to make sure the fridge wasn't open. One of the girls put too much detergent to wash the floor and so there I was remopping the floor at 2am at serene centre by myself. Talked to Karl about running the business. He's also thinking of doing his family business. We decided we're going to conquer China one day.

Karl is very smart (and also like a 5 year old kid haha) and I think of how much the banks are paying us and that's really not what we're worth. You know even running a small ass business pays better than almost anything. Makes me wonder if its worth working for someone. To be honest its not. It's just nice to have a glamorous title and tell people you're from blah blah, but nothing beats pwning the world yourself.

Some days I feel like I have no time to relax at all. Between citi school and the shop I feel like a ping pong ball being batted back and forth. Thank god I have the cars.

In school now everyone has an internship. It's really amazing. Some people have gotten really good places and I'm glad for them. You know once you get your first job, it doesn't matter if you were a loser, or a winner, or the president, or the substitute, or a somebody, or a nobody. Everything goes inside the rubbish bin and is refreshed as either Chia Boon Tat Accounting or something like Goldman Sachs Sales and Trading.

Over the last few months I've been working like mad and I can't wait for the hols to come. I think its paid off alot. And now I feel like I will be able relax alot more when the time comes. I know alot of friends who've worked their asses off. For a GPA, for a job, for an internship, for a dream, and for the future. So congrats you stubborn mofos. Yes you. You crazy idiots who've been working hard in your own ways. For all of you who never took the easy way out. I totally understand how it feels like. And no matter what the outcome, doesn't it feel fucking good to know you did everything you can?

2008-03-19T00:36:00.002+08:00

Yay its good friday which means its a long weekend!!

Man SO need to sleep. I actually enjoy the work and school routine because it gives me the best of both worlds but one thing I don't have is enough sleep.

It's my 3rd week with my department and getting along well with the team. We mainly handle financial institutions so we have to be very on the ball about documentation, agreements etc. Val is also at citi so we met for lunch the other day and it was nice to catch up. Also bumped into Sharon Law from my old dept. Isn't the name Sharon Law the coolest? Did you know staff get 21 days of leave? wth.

Met Evelyn for dinner as well. Evelyn is at Estee Lauder now. She's really happy there so that's great. She is definitely the estee type and if she stays she'll be very good at her work. Alot of people getting interviews and internships the last week or so. Congrats ambrose, eric, chloe and weims! It's really exciting. Maybe I should be in HR and just be excited for people all the time haha.

For 3 years we've been doing projects, attending internship talks, doing exams and living in the library. And now we finally have something to show for it. How exciting really. We're almost there.

I was looking at Eric's excel sheet of internship applications and I was like omgg that's damn fierce. But hey this is the fucking time to be fiercer than ever. The fiercest of the fierce. Bap mentioned your first job sets you on a trajectory and I think he's right.

So if you've been working hard, been fighting for something you've wanted. Just keep on keeping on. And kick some ass.

2008-03-15T23:38:00.003+08:00

Yikes been quite a while since I last wrote anything. Been so busy. Been working at citi for 2 weeks now and trying to juggle with school. Been quite mad but with proper time management it hasn't been so bad. Times like these you really appreciate the friends that always make an effort to meet up or try to keep in touch. You also appreciate just sitting around and doing nothing. What a luxury.

I can't remember having more than an hour to relax the last 2 weeks. Even on the bus I'm writing in my notebook for my to-do list or catching up with friends on the phone or catching up with sleep. I feel tired talking just talking about it.

Even so life is good. I honestly feel good about going to work and acting as though I'm one of the people in suits and with their blackberrys clipped to their belts. At lunch time I knock off and watch the tons of people from citi head back to the office while I'm rolling up my sleeves and taking off my tie for school. It's like I get to play 2 parts. It feels nice to have the best of both worlds.

O&M got back to me to confirm my internship this summer. I couldn't say no. So just with one e-mail it has been decided that I'm not going to Africa after all. Oh well to be honest right now all I need is abit of sleep. Ok maybe alot. Templeton also got back to me to give me the green light for the internship. So I guess I've just planned my whole year in a matter of 2 weeks. I can't wait because working full-time will be much more manageable than juggling school and work at the same time. Wish I had all the time to try everything in the world.

Everyone's finally getting serious about summer internships now. Tons of people interviewing at tons of different places. I am truly excited for every one of them because it's going to play a big part in where they end up working. I think I've worked quite hard in school and it's nice to know that I finally don't have to worry so much anymore. I've paid my dues this time.

My family is setting up a new business soon. Related to the Island concept so watch for it. I was just telling Dave how we should run the business when we're done with school. Wish he was around because I can help my dad with alot of the strategy and business development ideas but Dave would know alot more about operations and ground work. I somehow feel that no matter where I work at I'll probably leave it to go back to Island someday. Just a matter of when really.

2008-03-02T01:40:00.002+08:00

Couldn't sleep last night thinking about my cat project. Woke up like a zombie and headed down to school with Adel to meet some IT guru friend of hers who pointed us in a good direction. Thank god for that because we got inspired and we went back to my place to work like mad. Did tons alot today and ruined my eyesight tons alot also. Thank god adel is in my group otherwise I would have died 10 years ago.

Been quite stressed lately. Del says I get stressed and it's true. It's like a double edged sword. On one hand it makes you do 110% and on the other hand you get eyebags so big you don't need a laptop case.

Sometimes it's when you're stressed then you know who your real friends are. Lately I've been glad I can count on some of my friends to help me out where I need help. And I believe it's God's blessing. And I can't believe I just said that.

Been squinting all week. My eyes are so dry it feels like there's always sand in them. I think my eyes need eyemo on a drip. I told del to pray for me cuz I am so exhausted. Time for bed.

2008-02-29T00:02:00.003+08:00

Finally confirmed my internship. Funds and securities services with Citi. Regional sales team. The only catch is that it starts on er monday. Like this coming monday. 3 mornings a week on top of 6 modules. Ok.

I honestly did not did not want to work during the term but I didn't have much of a choice.

Whatever it is I feel glad to back because I made alot of friends there the last time and it's all familiar. When I went for the interview on Tues it really felt good to see everyone again and they were bugging me for ice cream as usual. I will bring them something next week.

The office of admissions called me today. They checked my resume and they want me to give a talk at the SMU open house about internships. It's called "SMU Super Intern". HAHA WTH. Cheesefactor2008. Someone needs to be shot. I don't really have the time to prepare but I think it's important that the kiddos coming for our open house need to know that our name is pretty out there when it comes to employment.

Damn I'm tired. Shit I can't wait for the hols so I don't have to think about anything other than just one thing. During the interview Tracy was like "Gee your schedule looks more packed than a working person." You bet Tracy.

2008-02-26T17:41:00.005+08:00

I realised I have 10 different papers to do by the end of the term. Shit.

Went for the Citi interview this morning. I think Tracy was pleased I'm familiar with Citi so she was already asking when I could start work. She needs help asap so I might have to work mon, tues and fri mornings during school term and continue during the hols. OMG what am I doing seriously. But it's not like I can say no. Its regional sales for securities and fund services so it's front end which is good. HR called me back at 9pm to confirm which days I'm available, but omg now I'm wondering if I can take such a heavy load. I hope they don't confirm anything until next week. Help.

JPM hasn't gotten back to me. Tim says I'm probably 2nd in line and they're waiting for the first person to decline or accept. DECLINE DAMMIT YOU DECIDING -BETWEEN-JPM-OR-GOLDMAN-SACHS-IDIOT.

DIOT.

2008-02-20T13:58:00.003+08:00

Yay, one free hour before class starts. Did some work last night till 2am. Luckily Kelvin was online to help me out. Was so fucking frustrated and annoyed. Fucking worst class ever.

I was so annoyed I drove to the petrol kiosk at 2.30am to buy noodles. Then I got back and realized the stove is not working. What the hell.

So I woke up late this morning. Thank God mom sent me to school so I could attend fucking-worst-class-ever. I got a call during class and was wondering what weird number it was. Luckily I took the call outside. Turns out Citi remembered my request and I got an interview with securities and fund services for next tues. Thanks Jing Jing.

So fucking-worst-class-ever wasn't the fucking worst class ever. Baps been talking about recession and how jobs are going to be cut. Seriously damn scary. Its a reality now. For the first time in years people are talking about difficulties in getting jobs. Sink or swim people. Sink or swim.

2008-02-19T00:32:00.003+08:00

Time for bed. Almost. I just remember I was loading an episode of Project Runway.

JPM hasn't gotten back. I believe they must have picked someone already. I did my interview last Tuesday and still no reply. The first time I did my interview on Wed and I knew by Monday. Chances are I think the fact that I didn't have a "bachelors of business" makes this a real longshot. They are probably contacting Mr Business or Mr Accounting now and not informing the rest so that if Mr Business has another offer already they can call Mr Social Science. In my mind the interview keeps on replaying and picking on my mistakes and I am prepared for the worst.

In better news I have decided to plan something different for my summer. I've decided to go to South Africa and take the course to be a certified Safari ranger. Either 1 month or 3 months. See how it goes. Not getting JPM will suck but maybe being chased by lions will help me get over my loss and put things in perspective. This is something I've always always wanted to do and I think it will be life changing to say the least.

Just thinking about the trip the last few days has got me thinking of how I've always wanted to be a vet. I can't turn back time, but I should think of things that are related to the animal business maybe. Like Zoo management, wildlife conservation. Or even helping people, doing humanitarian work. That's been a part of me that I've suppressed for so long.

Sometimes I feel like I'm 4 different people in one person. Not in terms of personality but maybe interests. It's just that the world is so big and there are so many things to do. One thing I am grateful for is how my parents have been supportive of everything I do.

I think the worst thing to have in life is no passion and no dedication. Worst thing ever. If you're not willing to go all out for something, or you're not willing to put in the effort or have the balls to take the risks, then there's no point in living really. Who actually knows what they want to do in life? No one. But you just got to try and keep trying and searching. You just got to give 101%.

I know alot of people who shortchange themselves because they don't put effort into the things they do. And it's really sad. I find it almost annoying. It's almost like being with them saps your enthusiasm about life. But for every 10 people who are like the cattle you find 1 very inspiring person. Someone different. Who stands out because they have a passion, or because they are fighting for something. And that's rare.

2008-02-17T00:45:00.002+08:00

Life is too damn short. Ideally we'd have 14-day weeks, half of which would be a weekend. But because we don't live in an ideal world where we have all the time in the world, we have to live it to the best. Which is a really good excuse to be a hedonist. A hedonist is someone who enjoys the pleasures in life. Guilty as charged.

Sometimes while I'm surfing I really enjoy looking at extravagant luxury websites. Cars, boats, spas, villas, travel, hotels and dining. It's fun to sit in front of the computer and live vicariously through my macbook. It's the same reason why you walk into an expensive shop even though you know you can't afford anything. It's just fun.

The funny thing is I probably know more about Las Vegas than David does. Sometimes I look at the hotels or restaurants you can find on the strip, and I see the shows they play at the Casinos. It feels like traveling for free.

I really love the idea of excess. The free flow wine and meals. The way the phantom coupe looks like a boat. The fine dining they have onboard the Silversea cruise liners. Can anyone say no to a 131 day long extended world cruise on a luxury boat?

But you know really, I just love the idea of excess. But just the idea only. After all it is fun to imagine and aspire, but I don't really need to live in an Italian villa to be happy. It's abit of a paradox isn't it? Yes I suppose. But if we aim for something like luxury and expect it then we may be disappointed. However there is no disappointment if we're really just happy with whatever we've got. It's still ok to aspire.

http://www.ulovane.co.za/courseinformation2.asp

That being said I stumbled upon this website. For 3 months you undergo training in South Africa to become a qualified Safari Ranger. No shit. 4X4 driving lessons, advanced rifle handling and a course on dangerous animals. How fucking awesome is that? I've always wanted to go to south africa and live in the wilderness. Fucking awesome. I think I would be such a happy person living that kind of life. I would give up my phantom anytime for a life in a jeep in the Serengeti. The truth is I've always been a nature type of person and this would be the epitome of living out my wildest dreams. Even more than being an artist or a vet or a banker. But I can imagine the amount of sacrifice it takes to give everything up to chase something as wild as that. How fucking awesome though.

2008-02-12T18:26:00.001+08:00

Just finished my interview. Still in my shirt and pants and stuck at some MOS burger till my 7pm class starts. The interview went well but I've decided not to think about it anymore and just assume I didn't get it. By next week I will probably know if I got it, but I don't want to get my hopes up.

All I know is that it's been an honor to be considered for a position with JPM. I was sitting at the reception area waiting for Sumit, when I heard a familiar voice. Turns out it was Jensen. He was there for his first interview with treasury services I think. Different department. Good luck Jensen I hope we're lunch buddies for both our sakes.

This is one of the most exciting times of our lives. It's the time when we get out of school and hit the workplace. Of course school is fun and relaxed but getting a good job determines how the next phase of our lives work out. It determines how we're going to live, and ultimately how our family lives.

I am excited. Not just specifically about JPM but about life. I've worked very hard these few months and just to see the effect of my effort is something really exciting. I'm fed up of just grades and marks. They don't mean anything by themselves. Life is so much more than just a report card.

You know in life we're used to celebrating successes, but I think if we learnt how to appreciate the process and the lessons we learn from failure, we'd be alot more content about our lives. So internship or not, I hope I've learnt something along the way and just keep on keepin' on.

2008-02-11T21:52:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow I'm going back to the JPM office for my 2nd and final round of interview. I am scared like shit but fairly confident at the same time. After a online IQ test and a interview at their office I'm back again.

Been reading finance newspapers like nobodies business. Herald Tribune, Wall Street Journal and FT oh my. Now I have an opinion about everything finance related. Just please don't ask me about derivatives because I know shit about derivatives.

I am excited and scared. After coming out of the last interview I've learnt it's important to keep your cool and be positive even if you don't know what the $%#* your interviewer is asking, and even if he is a smartass. And maybe especially if he is a smartass.

It's like meeting for an arranged wedding. If the person likes your face you're set otherwise you have to find another bride to marry.

2008-02-09T13:25:00.000+08:00

I feel like I die abit inside when I know
But what can I do
The problem was the feelings never changed
Even till now
Tell me I'm not the only one
Tell me it isn't my imagination
Tell me it's not going to be easy to get over this
I don't want a replacement just so it makes it easier
I just want to remember it right
So maybe I have no choice to just sit and watch
And just die a little everytime

2008-02-06T02:05:00.000+08:00

Didn't do much today. Had one class and one reunion dinner and one supper. Tomorrow is the ultimate do nothing day. Absolutely do nothing. Except reunion dinner no. 3 which requires absolutely no effort at all.

http://www.rolls-roycemotorcars.com/

Yesterday was tinkering around with changing the external paint and interiors of the Phantom coupe (convertible). Click on the link above and tell me it's not love at first site.

UBC sent me the request to send my school transcripts over and now I'm not sure I would actually transfer if I got in. Anyways not much point speculating like the last round. Let's focus on the things at hand.

Like sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. Thank God it's cny because a break could have never come in a more timely fashion.

2008-02-05T06:28:00.000+08:00

It's 6.25am and I haven't slept yet. Just got out of bed after tossing and turning for hours. My body clock has officially gone nuts.

There's about 5 million thoughts going through my head, Just racing in my mind like the rwd and fwd buttons gone wrong. Maybe that's what I get for tiring myself out the last few weeks.

So now it's just me and a glass of Calpis soda trying to calm down. I think it's working.

I'm glad it's the new year holidays. Because I'm running on low batteries. Output is still 120% but the juice is dying and the head is aching.

You put 2 motivated, serious adults (1 bald guy and 1 girl) together and you get something like me. Dave is like mom. Mike is like Bap. Except I got everything, the good the bad and the ugly.

That still doesn't fully explain how I can't get to sleep but I suppose it explains how I got to this point. Ha yeah blame it on the parents.

I think despite the tirednesstheworktheheadeggs and the sheer inability to see the whiteboard in school anymore, I am happy. If only I just had abit of time to stand back, appreciate my life and say "Oh good job" then maybe it would be perfect, but I think I'm just so in the swing of things I just can't yet.

It's just with life there's so manythousandmillionsbillionstrillions of excitingcoolsuperfunky things to do if you go and do them. Unfortunately one day is limited by 24 hours with 60 minutes and 60 seconds. If there's one thing I don't understand it's how slack some people are. Their loss.

I imagine one day in the future I might look back and think of this headache day and think "You stupid boy doing so much and almost killing yourself. But thank god you were a stupid boy because it got you somewhere and I'm now standing where that somewhere is. And now I never have to be a stupid boy with a headache for the rest of my life because of you."

Regret. Worst word in the universe. The whole fucking universe. My only real regret in life is not learning how to play soccer properly in primary school. Regret is shit because the whole point about it is you can't change, which is how screwed up. So fuck regret.

I should write more at 7am because it seems the rubbish comes out more straight forwardly. And I just discovered mom didn't wash my cup properly. Except for that bit of breaking news I feel alot better. Ok time for bed.

2008-02-04T20:43:00.000+08:00

Been so tired the last 2 days that whenever I read I feel like puking. Well not only when I'm reading. At dinner last night I felt like I had the biggest headache ever. Even in the bus I feel sea sick. I seriously need a break. Been so damn tired seriously. I think I'm dying.

Been working extra hard this term. Extra extra. Just so many things to do seriously.But I can't help it. There are really alot of important things to sort out this term. Tim got HSBC. Congrats! Ok at least that's one confirmed. It's very amazing how alot of my schoolmates are getting interviews with the top names. It's important because SMU is new nd we got to reach for the big banks to get us recognized.

check this out:
http://www.ralphlaurenhome.com/

Simply one of the best collections of furniture ever. I've already decided how my house is going to look like. Just select the "Modern Chairman" range and you'll get a glimpse haha. Which reminds me why I need to get a good job badly. Uncle Lung works at Citi and he recently just asked his car shop to spray paint his nokia to match his ferrari. Ok.

Oh today I got the reply from JPM. I could see it already. "Dear Ian thank you for your interest in Global Credit Risk Management but unfortunately we cannot offer you a position at this time. We wish you the best in your endeavours and hope you will continue to consider us in future." See I can write an excellent rejection letter. I could totally see how the rejection letter looked like the second I stepped out of the office, and all my smses coming out of my hp for the next 5 mins started with the word "FUCK do you know..."

I would have been totally expecting it, except this time it went "Dear Ian, Congratulations you have made it to the 2nd round of interviews..." WTF?!? I was thinking. The interviewer totally skewered me with his questions and he let me in. WTH man what a sick joke. You bitch you haha. Ok but thanks for letting me in.

Part of me says, "OMG DON'T EVEN LOOK FORWARD TO THIS, YOU'LL JUST BE DISAPPOINTED", but you know that's fucking life. You can't have that failure attitude. You have to look forward to something, to work 110% for it, to be passionate, to be excited about it, to dream it and don't second guess yourself. Otherwise you're no different from anyone else.

So in short next Tues I have a date with destiny, and probably the modern chairman collection of ralph lauren home some day.

2008-01-30T17:24:00.000+08:00

1. who is the chairman of the Fed?
ben bernanke
2. when was the last fed rate change?
last week
3. how much was the change?
-0.75%
4. when is the next meeting?
sorry not sure
5. how will the drop in interest rates affect the us economy?
it will probably take 3-6 months for the effects of increased liquidity to benefit the economy, however this is going to cause a long-term problem of inflation.
6. Is it the Fed's role to control inflation?
Probably not but it must be considered when making monetary policy. Alot of people are not happy with ben bernanke because of this.
7. what is the difference between futures and forward contracts?
Sorry I can't rmbr at the top of my head
8. what is the difference between operational lease and financial lease?
Sorry not sure
9. what information doesn't the balance sheet have?
Hmm not sure.
10. Other finance question I can't rmbr.
Sorry I'm not sure about that.

5/10. Pass. Job offer? Probably fail. But I think for a Social Science student I did quite ok. FUCK. I'll be back bitches. Then you can take the financial ratios and shove them up your doody.

2008-01-24T01:17:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm spread as thin as jam. Like a tablecloth 1 inch too small for the table.

Sometimes I have tons of things to do and no idea what to start with. They should have made 48 hour days.

It's good and not good. Jack of all trades and master of some. That pretty much sums it up. Eggs in a few baskets. Sometimes I can't remember how many eggs I have.

But maybe it's better to be really good at one one thing. It's less tiring for sure. Less of a burden really. You don't have to pick or think. Just shut up and do. Ignorance is bliss.

Or maybe I just need some water and a good rest tonight.

After poetry class today I wrote 7 poems for my illustrations. It's part of my own project I'm doing. Another to-do to add.

I've stopped playing nintendo simply because I need to cancel out some of the those to-dos.

Dammit why so many to-dos. Always never enough time for to-dos but always just nice for family and friends. Why dammit. I told you I need 48. God just give me one day more a week. One between Sunday and Monday. Call it Smonday.

2008-01-19T23:43:00.000+08:00

I'm taking Poetry classes. No seriously. I signed up for Creative Writing except it turns out that its really a poetry writing class. So for 14 weeks I have poetry lessons with Chloe under the bohemianest of all professors, Robert Yeo. Because we used to read so much poetry when we stayed in England. It's not really much of a stretch. But classes are really interesting because its so far out and our prof is this 60 year old guy who looks like he survived the flower power era.

Yesterday played poker with cherylpovaweimseeranghankanabs. Eh shit sounds like a bad word. Was fun. Only because buy in was $10 and I won $7.80 which means it paid for my cab back from Serangs. Having poker again next Fri but cherylpova is leaving soon so that's kind of sad. Next term I think NO ONE I know will be around and everyone is going on exchange so thank god I'm working.

Played Lan with weijoldzichael. I have to rearrange that next time. Was really fun. It's essential to kill someone every now and then to destress.

Had to deal with alot of rude people this week. If it's one thing I don't take it's rude people. One of our modules are quite heavy, so the prof was having a discussion about it in class with us. The teaching assistant told us if we couldn't handle a level 200 mod we should take a level 100 module. I was pissed off. And basically don't fuck with a kwok. So I just gave it to him on the spot in front of the whole class. Least to say Ivy Lau was abit stunned but I think she knew JJ was being a dick. Tartaaaaar anyone? There goes my A.

2008-01-16T00:48:00.000+08:00

OMG HELP. Tired like shites and tmrw is 2 lessons and 1 exam all in one row. Shacksness to the maxness.

Weims msged me to ask what time he should have his RBS interview haha. The funny thing was that I was thinking exactly the same thing when I got my interview e-mail. It's important I think. I chose 4pm because the bank routine is the same. 9am-11am emails and meetings. 11-12pm rushing work for lunch. 2-4pm sleepy. 4-6pm awake but getting ready to go home. 6-7pm last minute rushing work. So 4pm is officially the best time for an interview because no one's in a rush. Tim got HSBC and lehman interviews. Drinks on him if he gets it. Tis the season to be interviewing. It's good la I mean if you're in the business school you just got to go all out especially now with all the deadlines looming.

This weekend got to go to kino to find out more about credit risk. That's what I applied for so I'm supposed to sound like I know everything about it. Luckily credit risk isn't so technical so I hope the interview won't be so competency based.

In about 2 months time it will be just fucking too late to apply anywhere for summer so everyone is feeling the heat. Time to wake up and smell the coffee.

2008-01-15T00:38:00.000+08:00

Just Week 2 and feeling damn tired omg. Have my Harvard finance exam on Wed so I'm getting a nose bleed just studying my ass off for it.

Met Dz and Wy for golf on Sun. Shit I rmbr why I like golf. This time we're going to do it more regularly. 3 of us complaining about internships and the banks. Like bloody uncles seriously. Wy is a little worried about getting a job. Who isn't. Especially with the banks all taking big hits from subprime and the titanic of the US, the only thing for sure is that it's going to be hard to get a good job. Don't even talk about the IBs and the M&As, it's going to be tough just getting any job. But whatever seriously, the only thing we can do is work our ass off and try our best. I don't think wy needs to worry though.

Finally got confirmation of my JPMorgan interview. You know how you don't want to look forward to these things even though you are excited like shit. I am trying not to think about it because I don't want to give myself to much pressure. This is probably one of the most serious things I've had to go for though.

It feels like Week 14 seriously. Got an exam to study for, the usual school work to do, classes to attend, internship applications, school applications and what not. Wah lau.

2008-01-12T03:39:00.002+08:00

Watched another episode of Project Runway. I could watch it the whole day if there were that many episodes to watch.

I have an affinity with design and art, so fashion is just one of the million ways in which they can be expressed. Watching the designers work, I totally understand how they feel. Working for deadlines. Making sure your work is commercial but still representative of your style. Working with the materials you've got. Keeping at it when you're out of inspiration.

When I see a piece of clothing, I immediately mentally cut it into the separate pattern pieces in my head. It automatically fits into a collection of other related clothes. When I see a shirt, I can automatically visualize the rest of the outfit that go with it and the ones that don't. It then passes through millions of mental swatches of colors and patterns. It also runs through an imaginary scrapbook of magazine pictures and images of people. That's how clothes process in my head. Sometimes I catch myself running my fingers over random racks of clothes just to sense how they feel like. It's a sensory explosion. This happens superquick in my head, so walking into a store I feel like a bee, with the colors and textures all mapped out from hexagonal eyes.

The last couple of weeks I've churned out 18 paintings for this major project I'm undertaking. I've never painted so much in such a short space of time. It's taught me how to squeeze every ounce of creativity even if I'm out of ideas. Be fierce. That's my motto.

Some people are born to sing, to play sports, to be an academic, to lead or to get rich. I just want to do some art.

2008-01-12T03:39:00.001+08:00

Watched another episode of Project Runway. I could watch it the whole day if there were that many episodes to watch.

I have an affinity with design and art, so fashion is just one of the million ways in which they can be expressed. Watching the designers work, I totally understand how they feel. Working for deadlines. Making sure your work is commercial but still representative of your style. Working with the materials you've got. Keeping at it when you're out of inspiration.

When I see a piece of clothing, I immediately mentally cut it into the separate pattern pieces in my head. It automatically fits into a collection of other related clothes. When I see a shirt, I can automatically visualize the pants that go with it and the ones that don't. It then passes through millions of mental swatches of colors and patterns. That's how clothes process in my head.

The last couple of weeks I've churned out 18 paintings for this major project I'm undertaking. I've never painted so much in such a short space of time. It's taught me how to squeeze every ounce of creativity even if I'm out of ideas. Be fierce. That's my motto.

Some people are born to sing, to play sports, to be an academic, to lead or to get rich. I just want to do some art.

2008-01-11T03:19:00.001+08:00

What if you were to stand in front of God. What if you were to tell him of how you discriminated against people in his name. What if he told you that was not his intention, that his words became twisted by people. What if he had told you that you were wrong to be so hateful and ignorant. That he made everyone special. Even the handicapped, the sick, the mentally ill. Their imperfections are not "natural" by our standards. But what is natural? Are they now sinners too? None of us were a mistake. It was all his plan. He would then ask you why were you such a hateful person. He would ask you why you used religion to divide instead of include. He would ask you who gave you the power to decide who are saints and who are sinners. What would you tell him then? But luckily your one on one with God is not due yet. Think before you speak.

2008-01-11T01:13:00.000+08:00

The first week of school has been great. Work sucks but not if you have your friends close by.

Today I had to go to school early to send in a form to do an extra module. Bumped into Gabe at the office. After that I dropped by delifrance for loser lunch by myself because I only had 15 minutes before class. So I decided to whip out my laptop for a lunchtime companion.

So I checked my email and there was a new one. 4 months ago I did an application to JPMorgan to try my luck. And apparently I got lucky with an interview with the bank.

OMG was my first thought. And OMFG was my second. I wanted to scream. And jump. And throw my fried fish spaghetti bolognese into the air.The odds of actually getting in after the interview is an entirely different matter, but whatever, and I'm just glad I got the interview. If anything, I'd be content to go and tell the interviewer I've given everything I've got to get to this point.

School is for 2 things. 1) to have tons of fun 2) to get ready to kick ass in the real world. And I don't see why you can't have both.

2008-01-07T22:09:00.000+08:00

Today was my first day of school. I wasn't looking forward to it at first but seeing nr chl sy toby and gang made me rmbr why I like school. It feels good to be a laojiao.

It's week 1 and I have finals next wednesday. OMG HELP. My harvard finance exams are coming.

It's going to be one fucking year. 4 internships, starting my own business and pulling up my GPA. It stands at 3.37 which is like 0.03 fucking points away from honors. Who the hell set it at 3.4? Bitches.

It's going to be a hardcore year. But hardcore isn't a new concept. I just have to keep my energy up and have a positive attitude.

2008-01-03T00:41:00.000+08:00

Evelyn is back. And most probably for good. With her came home a bag of Abercrombie for me and a bag of Victoria’s Secret for my mom.

It’s good to have her back. The past few years we only get to see each other every few months or so, but every time it feels like no time has passed.

Evelyn is as good as family. There are few friends like her. There’s always tons to talk about and do with her. It’s a rare thing nowadays. To find real people. She’s one of them. You know the no bullshit sort. The kind of friend that always puts in the same effort you do. The kind of friend you treasure. Really treasure.

I wish all friendships were so effortless. But that’s a rare thing nowadays, people who really care. There’s no point having 30 friends you have fun times with but who can’t really share anything with. I’ve learnt I’d rather have a small handful I can trust. That’s good enough for me.

Flakes. I realized they are my biggest pet peeve ever. Otherwise defined as people demonstrating flaky behavior. The kind you can’t count on. They disappear as and when. They are good friends, when there’s fun of course.

But for every 10 flakes, there is a person that you meet that isn’t. And that alone is worth sifting through the junk to get to know.

2008-01-03T00:25:00.000+08:00

People’s personalities are just like houses. Yes, people as in the you and me type.

Some people are like a studio apartment. Nothing but the basics. Some people are the penthouse type. They need to be on the top.

Some houses have a study room. A library for the more studious type. Some have a huge swimming pool, tennis court or a running track.

Some people have a small apartment with 6 different rooms packed in one space. Others have huge mansions with few rooms.

People’s personalities are just like houses because they make space for people.

Some houses have lots of space for friends and family, while some have none.

Having friends is like walking into someone’s house. Or inviting them over.

People’s personalities aren’t what they seem at first.

At first we think “omg I hate the furniture”, but then we slowly realize we love their house.

On the other hand we sometimes step into a house we love, but begin to realize there isn’t much room to hang around.

Sometimes houses have cool things like a huge movie theatre, a jacuzzi, maybe a 60” plasma tv or a soccer field. And we think “I wonder what else they have.” And unfortunately that’s all there is.

It’s rude to tell your friends “Hey I think you need a kitchen”. Or a study. Or a gym. But sometimes we watch out for them because we don’t want their house to suck. All the better if we are willing to offer a helping hand. But there’s no point telling someone to build a shower if they don’t want to take a bath.

And sometimes we need help with our own houses too. Maybe our chairs don’t match. Or the roof needs fixing. Maybe my living room needs a second opinion.

Some people are happy with their house in “as is” condition. Others feel good continually building to make room for people.

Options options. There can never be a perfect house.

But if family and friends were important to me my living room would be big. Slouchy sofas. Furry rugs. Nothing breakable.

If we could think of our personality as a house, would people we know want to stay over?

2007-12-20T22:57:00.000+08:00

Back home!

This is definitely one of those times in life I want to freeze. I am so grateful.

I have my best friends. I've enjoyed a fantastic holiday with my family. Dave is back. Everything is going well with school and work. I have 10 new pants and 3 shoes.

The only complaint is that I don't have money left after japan.

Tis the season to be reminiscent and emo. It's been some fucking year for me. Transfers, internships, pulling up my gpa.

There have been wars. Sparta moments. Questioning who I am and what I believe in.

2007 was the year of the Ian. The year the boy finally grew up.

Coming back from Japan I realised we've got to snap out of thinking we live in a small village. We've got to go out there and find out what makes us really happy. This year has been that for me. Making big decisions for my life. In a big city like Osaka, you're just one little shit in the pond. The only way you stand out is if you chase something you want, not something that someone tells you to do. It could be a dream to pursue your passion, to live somewhere, to try something, to find real love. Whatever it is we're sometimes in the fucking matrix and we swim like tuna fish in a school. We just swim and swim cuz everyone else is swimming.

If you're reading this, maybe you know me or you don't. But just know I mean it at the bottom of my heart when I say to go and fucking chase the thing you want the most. Fuck the matrix. Find yourself and be happy.

2007-12-09T00:12:00.000+08:00

The last few days have been so great.

Got to catch up with Shiqin over supper. Hungout with Dan to buy more CDs. Watched the Golden Compass with Lionel and Min. Supper with poon and bnut. Da paolo's with Eric and Gabe. Barracks with Dz and Sil. Arab street with Cheryl Chloe and her omg DAMN cute baby boy. I am so so glad I've finally had the time to see all my good friends and have solid chill time to catch up with them and enjoy some time together.

I mean seriously what is more important in life that the people you love.

The icing on the cake is the trip to Japan next tues. I can't wait to hangout with dave and mike. It will be the first time in months we'll get to hang out in a complete set. I cannot wait.

It was so good to sit around with eric and gabe in silly santa hats and just talk nonsense over good pizza. Later at dempsey when me, sil, dz an di finished dinner ]we took a walk to Ben & Jerry's. Dempsey was lit up with fairy lights and the huge christmas tree, and I was carrying a Christmas tree lolipop that sil and dz gave me, only then did I realise how close christmas is. Tis the season to be jolly.

2007-12-06T00:29:00.000+08:00

I went to bloomberg for the training course today. OMG THEIR PANTRY HAS FREE FLOW KETTLE CHIPS, YAKULT, MEIJI MILK, FLORIDA'S NATURAL, CUP A SOUP AND HERSHEYS. Did I mention the kettle chips?

Haven't had time to rest the last few days. Have so much to do. Sunday went for the Sony Ericsson concert and GOT TO GO BACKSTAGE TO SEE WANG LI HOM. *fangirl scream* Ok that was actually my mom, who said she wanted to marry him when he started playing the violin. I hope my dad doesn't read my blog.

Sent a cover letter and resume to Bain yesterday. Got a ultrafast 24 hour turnaround reply:

"Dear Ian,

Thank you for your email application to Louis.

After a careful assessment of your application, we regret to inform you that we are unable to initiate discussions with you at this time.

We have been fortunate to have received a large number of applications from outstanding candidates like yourself, and have had to make a decision on whom to interview based on relative differences in individuals' skills and experiences.

I want to congratulate you for your past accomplishments and to thank you sincerely for allowing us the opportunity to evaluate your credentials. We wish you all the best in your career"

They sound so politically correct its like you almost want to thank them for giving you the boot. Oh well. Let's be realistic. My grades aren't above 3.5 and SMU is definitely no ivy leaguer. As they say, whatever doesn't kill you makes you want to earn more money. Wait a sec.

I got my sociology results back! A-. K la abit lower than i expected but whatever. Just damn glad its over.

Anyone for a china trip next year? I'm thinking of doing this LSE-Bei Da (peking university) program. Will be so fun if I can get Shiqin or Ben to go with me.

http://www.oir.pku.edu.cn/LSE/index.html

2007-12-02T01:57:00.000+08:00

Yesterday we just finished our exams. So today can sleep in right? NOT.

OMG Ann Vogel emailed us to say we have to come to school in the morning TODAY to check our grades and see our papers because she's leaving on tuesday. So grudgingly I got out of bed to go to school.

When I got there, there was this oh-so-hostile DO NOT DISTURB postit on the door so I did a keblakangpuseng out of the office area until I saw a carboard box near the door. Lying inside were our piles of exam papers and essay papers abandoned like baby kittens. mew.

So I took a look at my exam paper. K la not bad. Then I saw my essay paper, which had a madhouse weightage of 35%. 35 marks it read. Ok la not bad since it's upon 50. As I flipped through the other papers I realised no one got 40 and above. Huh wtf her marking is so strict I thought.

Then I saw the grading outline and I realised it was upon 35. HUH??!!!! WTFFFFFFF YOU MEAN SHE GAVE ME A PERFECT SCORE????!!!!

And there it was. My little oh-so-spartan moment of glory. My spotlight-on-mr-bean second. My mini happy new year party.

I was especially proud because I FUCKING WORKED my ass off for this paper. Ann Vogel also happens to be one of the most demanding professors in the history of demanding professors. I can tell you honestly she's very intimidating, but I am grateful to her because really gave me excellent advice for my paper. I'm also damn happy because although I normally do better at my business modules, I made a commitment to improve my social science skills, and finally my effort has shown. For a social scientist, a research essay is probably the most important tool in explaining a theory, and I'm quite proud of this one I wrote.

It's been a term to test my stamina because social science isn't like a math or science or business module. There's no hard and fast rules, and there's no telling if you're on the right track during the term because the research paper carries so much weight. I never thought I could do well at it, but this term has really made me optimistic.

I have worked so hard this term. And I am praying that its going to translate into my results. We'll have to wait and see.

SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

2007-11-30T21:57:00.000+08:00

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

FINISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

SPARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

As I flipped over the exam question paper and read the questions I WAS OMGGGGGGGGGGGGG THANK GOD DEBBIE SENT ME THE PROJECT PAPERS SO I CAN CUT AND PASTE EVERYTHINGGGG OMG AUGUSTINE EAT YOUR PAPER THANKSSSSSS DEBSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! The econs exam was open laptop so me and Gabe compiled the one glossary to rule them all and collected all the other groups papers. When I saw the questions I wanted to scream and cry and hug gabe but communication between candidates is prohibited.

OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

ITS OVERR!!! Me and Gabe were shouting "Freedom" like 10 times from the sob toilet to the mrt station. Ok maybe 12 times. We took out our pent up frustration and newly established sense of emancipation (of we we) and shot the crap out of the velociraptors in the Jurassic Park 2 game at the arcade.

I AM SO DONE WITH REDBULL I SWEAR.

2007-11-30T01:08:00.000+08:00

Today had 2 paperssss I swear GROSNESSS TO THE MAX. The first one was yucksfest '07 by our east german prof. I swear it was set by the gestapo. I felt like I bashed down the berlin wall and walked over to the west because the afternoon paper was the complete opposite. TOBIAS RETTIG IS THE BEST AND YOU HEARD IT HERE! Was writing like mad house cuz he was specific about what we should study. We heart toby and toby hearts us. Me and lionel thinking of sending him something from marks and sparks for christmas and maybe share with some of the rest. Nicest prof in the history of nicest profs.

Lionel's last paper on sat. Like ever. He's starting work at Shell in jan so this is it. Kinda sad isn't it? Hope we'll be in touch. But i think should be no prob cuz the Shell building is nearby which means we can go to central for jap food again with Min hahaha.

Its so wierd, Brig and Lin Ting are working at PWC 3 days after exams. Time seriousllllly flies.

The last time me, lionel, brig and lin ting met up we were interning at pdubs and having dinner after work. OMG will never forget dinner at cafe cartel. I was like an hour late, shack like shit, and all of us were carrying our act auditing laptop bags and pwc files. That day was pull-out day so I was carrying a ton of files with all the bloody financial statements in them when Lin Ting told me I wasn't supposed to bring the files out. HECK LA.

No wonder I'm not an accountant.

2007-11-29T12:35:00.000+08:00

Today I was studying with X and X and we had this random idea of moving to X after we graduate. Me and X knew X would love the idea because even though he's studying business I bet he'd enjoy working with kids alot more. Made me think about my original plan to work at X after I graduate. Maybe I don't really like X that much. I dunno its hard to think about it really. Between X, X and X I still think that it was the best place I've worked at. I'll give it time to sort itself out. Whatever it is we've got the backup plan hahaha. X HERE WE COME! Wear red underwear shout loud loud XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX!!!!! moment.

I'm really happy for X that he got a job doing a brochure for X. This is another step up for him since last writing an article for X. He's definitely on his way.

I asked X and X to sign up for the X workshop with me. If I'm still sticking to my original plan of working at X after I graduate it would be nice to some experience knowing how to operate X. I think its a useful skill to learn because its such a basic platform.

Me, X and X signed up for the X challenge online. We only have one day to do it after exams wtf. Its abit annoying that I have to start working right after exams. And then its the X workshop on tues. HAHA OMG X is so going to slack while me and X do all the work I SWEARR. Kidding la X.

X wrote back to me yest to say that they are accepting applications. I'm really glad because I didn't think I'd hear from them. I really hate writing the cover letters because it does take up alot of time.

X's idea about going to X with X has made me think maybe I should do something fun this year. I'm still thinking of setting up X next year. It might take some time but I really will enjoy doing X as opposed to something which requires any thinking. THANK X ITS THE END OF EXAMS TMRW. Seriously damn tired. tXif. Hope I won't be too tired to go X with X after. Jiayouz to the max.

2007-11-27T21:06:00.000+08:00

Thanks to the power of Visa, I signed up for the Introduction to Financial Statements course with INSEAD over the internet. It's like a revision for all the accounting stuff I've done in FA and PWC. Alan said that I'd have to read financial statements at Templeton so I thought it would be good to do a refresher course and slap something on my resume at the same time since I have nothing much to do during the hols.

It's been quite a madhouse year because I've been working like hell towards finance. If you use your index finger and cover the line which reads "bachelors of social science, major in psychology", there's no way you'd be able to guess what I'm majoring in from my CV. To make things more schizo, I made 2 different resumes so that my arty bohemian marketing side doesn't clash with my bureaucratic, corporate finance side.

Next year is going to be an even more madhouse year. Because I'm taking a term off, it's 4 internships back to back. Citi is not confirmed yet and I'm a little kancheong about the whole application thing because I'm such a damn planner. If they don't get back to me by Jan I'll prob have to email uncle kwang meng in HK or jeffrey in NY. To be honest I'd much rather go to citi HK or credit suisse NY because it would be alot more exciting, but I've got to take this last internship like my job interview, and chances are I'd rather work here over hk or ny.

I'm thinking even if it doesn't fall through, it would be nice if I just had some time to travel and maybe do some relief work in Africa. Ever since watching that Angelina Jolie documentary I realised that something so basic as food and water is so scarce in other parts of the world.

This term has been so draggy because I didn't have much to look forward to. But next term will be alot better because I am just looking forward to the end of it ha. The irony.

2007-11-26T20:13:00.000+08:00

I seriously can't wait for the exams to end because:

1) its hard to be surfing for gadgets online and reading notes at the same time
2) we're going to Japan!
3) I need a new wardobe. And at the rate I'm going I'm going to literally need another one.
4) I need to catch up on my harvard finance lessons
5) I want to do that financial statements course with INSEAD
6) I am drinking too much red bull
7) my mac is getting gross but I have no time to clean it
8) I am sick of school and it means I'm one step closer to starting my internships
9) David is coming home
10) I need to jump start my exercise routine
11) Balancing youtube, studying, sleeping, msning and stoning is seriously a drag

2007-11-23T23:41:00.000+08:00

Shack like shit.

Yesterday went to the kitchen to make my daily instant noodles. Dried them using the strainer till Mr Cockroach decided it was showtime and crawled from underneath the strainer to say hello while I was holding it. Of course the strainer went flying into the sink and so did my idea of having supper. My kitchen is like fucking jumanji. Tomorrow I expect to find a Hyena in my noodle cupboard.

Been having Thaiexpress 3 days in a row which would make it a turkey by today. I just got the orange card so that means I get 20% off when I eat there. The food is really nice. I swear on my life that the basil beef rice, yellow chicken curry and the honey chicken rice is damn good.

I bought a nice shirt from Fox today. I hate Fox usually because I feel like some of the clothes are malaysia quality. I need new clothes. Will shop after the exams. Mikey finished his A levels. Yay. I bought him a watch with a space invaders spaceship on it because it looks quite kanye / pharrel. Our taste is very similar except Mike's is more US and mine is more Euro.

I can't wait for the exams to be over. I've had a lonnnng 2007. Can't wait to go Osaka! I've #@$%ing worked my ass off this year and I deserve a timeout.

2007-11-19T00:44:00.000+08:00

I had nothing to do on Friday so I called up Uncle Leslie's plastic surgery clinic to make an appointment with him to check out this pigmentation on my lip and a injection bump that I've had since I was a baby. I asked how much was the consultation. "Oh it's $150 for the first 20 mins," came the friendly reply from the receptionist. A hundred and fucking fifty what? Oh well.

So I went to see Uncle Les and saw all the dozen certificates of surgery he framed on the wall, next to the botox brochures and facelift files. When it was my turn he gave a surprised "What are you doing here?". I was like, "You need to help me out!". I said, "Ok so how much is it going to cost me?" He said normally he charges $4000 WTF but he'd do it free of charge. I was like, "Wait what do you mean?" He said we could pay in installments of ice cream. So I walked out with an appointment for 3rd of Dec and feeling quite lucky and grateful. THANKS UNCLE LES. I told mom and she said it reminded her of the time uncle ngoi did auntie vera's cancer surgery for free. It may be just a few hours of their time but it is still very kind of them.

Today was another weird medical / health day because i got a bad stomach ache all day. It's like someone kicked be in the b@!!$ seriously. I checked webmd.com and they say I have an STD or mumps. Didn't we get vaccinated against mumps?

2007-11-16T03:26:00.000+08:00

When things go wrong. When the world is crazy. When there is too much anger. When there is too much hate.

Then there is only one thing that remains that really matters.

It is the thing that binds friends together.

The stuff that families are made of.

Or the bond that is shared between loved ones.

It is easy to forget.

And sadly we only remember it in difficult times.

But it is in difficult times that we see more clearly.

What is important and what isn't.

In just one year I've seen so many things.

All grown up now but never jaded.

Just wiser. More positive. More grateful.

Appreciative of whatever I have left.

Cherishing each moment.

Ready to defend what i believe in.

Ready to drop the world in a heartbeat.

For the only thing that means everything.

For the only thing that means anything.

2007-11-13T21:40:00.000+08:00

After hearing Emmy Rossum's movie version of "Think of Me" from the Phantom of The Opera I went to search for the original Sarah Brightman version. Yikes all I can say is Sarah is the tops of the pops. Her vocals are amazing. I'm supposed to be finishing my sociology paper but I did a quick recording of the song, trying not to butcher it as much as possible. It's been some time since I sang a classical style song.

Think of Me - Ian

2007-11-11T20:41:00.000+08:00

We always talk about doing a job we love or pursuing a passion or setting up our own business. I wish life were that simple. We forget that there are people we need to support. People who are going to fall ill. People who need our help. And more often than not these people are family.

My god sometimes I talk to my grandma and it's emo fest. She's not had an easy life. My grandfather died early. She's been sick before. And recently there's alot on her mind about my aunt who's got diabetes. Life is not perfect, and as I grow up I am learning you have to deal with it, otherwise it's going to deal with you.

Money isn't everything. But when you have to pay medical bills, rent, utilities and more, you begin to realize that there are some things that money can buy.

The truth is I hate to worry about money. It's like life is already so complicated, I don't want to have to worry about something as stupid as money. Maybe that's why it's important for me to get a good job. So I can just concentrate on working hard and doing my thing rather than how I'm going to make ends meet. I may not prefer doing a better paid job. But it may mean that me and family get to live easier. And that's real happiness.

My family has never been poor but even so I never take anything I have for granted. The biggest lesson that my grandma taught me is, "study hard. if you study hard we'll all get a big house to live in." And that house has to fit everyone I love.

2007-11-10T19:10:00.000+08:00

I got an email from my sociology prof saying my paper looks promising! I'm quite happy really. I was SO struggling with coming up with a theory:

So there is is!! It's ok if you dunno wtf it means cuz sometimes I'm not really sure. But it's basically how power is perceived and influences decision making in the realm of international politics. Yeah it's abit wtf, but if it wasn't wtf we wouldn't call it social science.

In other oh so unexciting social science news my political science paper abstract came back and my prof said its potentially v interesting. Yaysish. I'm quite happy because Toby is my favorite prof this term and I'll be taking pol sci under him. Lionel and Norainee got the same grade as me for this so I'm happy for them.

After weeks of average grades I'm glad that my grades are picking up. LAST BURST OF FIRE.

2007-11-10T01:17:00.000+08:00

Just finished my last presentation. International Econs. Was really good. Our project was on the subprime situation. The prof looked happy so that's the most important thing. My groupmates were really fun and I'm glad to have Shivika, Martina, Salman, Anriban and Gabe in my group. No way we could have been a better team. I really enjoy projectwork, especially if everyone has something to bring to the table. And in this case it was true. Last term Shivika was in my accounting class and she is so bright. So at the end of econs class I asked her to form a group with gabe and gang. I'm glad things turned out well. I think this has been my best project group so far. OK EXCEPT MARKETING HAHA.

2007-11-08T01:48:00.000+08:00

Mom is back after heading to Las Vegas to see Dave, Toronto to see Sih-Ee, and I can't remember where for Auntie Grace's son's wedding. It's good to have her home. Especially now that our supply of instant noodles will not run out every few days and the fridge will be occasionally stocked with Florida's Natural. Sitting around the dining table at 1am and watching her explain her past 3 weeks in the US to us and Bap, I felt very lucky to have a family like ours.

Bumped into Naf today. OMG haven't seen her in like since summer started. She invited me for her wedding but I couldnt make it. The story goes she met a guitarist from the crazily popular european band called The Rasmus after their their concert, and to make a long story short, she's got a rock star husband. We said we'll meet up after exams. I can't wait to see what her husband is like. I better go d/l the songs just for reference. He's moved here and they've got a new flat coming up. He's venturing into music producing so maybe I'll hook him up with Uncle Keng Long because he's only like the biggest music producer ever here. Not say abit the 98.7 meets 93.3.

HAHA omg was thinking about babysitting norainee's baby while she was presenting in class. DAMN CUTE. Damn funny. Prof Toby was very nice about letting her bring Ameer to class. It was damn funny cuz Ameer bear would make noise unless someone rocked him. So I had to like carry him for half an hour while the presentation was going on. I swear I dunno how angelina jolie slings around her babies like a bloody gibbon cuz I was so shack after that. Haha omg and he loves seeing cars so I had to let him look at the traffic from the windows. It was so fun until I heard like a POOT noise twice and something started to smell like a dead carcass. Ok it wasn't so bad. Babies have that wierd baby poop smell. ARGH haha omg Ameer was damn cute. OMG I hate it when Norainee grabs Ameer's hands and goes "UNCLE IAN! UNCLE IAN!" hahahaha. I swear this mommy is the baby. Shit we're getting old.

2007-11-05T22:06:00.000+08:00

Eric came over last week and we played guitars heroes 3 like mad. So I was thinking why not learn the real thing? So yesterday I went to peninsula plaza and bras basah to look for an electric guitar. Unfortunately the shops were closing so I didn't have time to pick one. Do you know for $180 you can get a guitar and an amp? WTF

So I borrowed Uncle Eug's hugeass Epiphone solid wood electric which came with a hugeass amp to go along with it. Thanks to youtube and other wierd internet marvels, I learned 3 chords. KNN it's not easy seriously. My fingers are chuided and on the verge of turning blue black.

PERSEVEREEEEEEE. I don't know if I spelt that correctly.

2007-11-05T02:19:00.000+08:00

URGH I was walking to the kitchen to make my daily supper of instant noodles. So then I turned on the light and as usual, 3 lizards on different areas of the kitchen quickly dash out of sight. So then I head towards the noodle drawer when suddenly I felt something wet and squirmy wriggling under my foot. OMFG WTF IS THAT???!!! Turns out it was a #$%&ing lizard!! URGHHHH the poor thing must have been a teenage lizard cuz it wasn't big or small. And although it was still alive and in one piece I squeezed the bejesus out of it and it was motionless but breathing. BLEAAGHH At first I didn't realise the puddle of juice was from the lizard but then after it evaporated so quickly then I realised it was definately lizard lava. ARGHHHHHH. After that I totally didn't feel like eating noodles. PUKE. I'm sorry but WTF were you doing on the floor?! So thanks to Mr Lizard I'm not taking my daily MSG dose and I won't be eating instant noodles for a week in loving memory.

Ok at least its not as bad as the time i killed a cockcroach, forgot I killed it after an hour of ally mcbeal, and then stepped on the bubblegummy goodness. Moral of the story is be grateful you weren't born a pest.

2007-11-02T02:58:00.001+08:00

I am not a full believer.

But if there is a God. I am grateful to him for my family and friends.

The people that can share my joy. The people that share my pain.

How else can you describe this? Maybe one word. Love.

What else in this world really matters? Nothing. Maybe except God himself.

I will figure that one out.

But for now I am just grateful.

And I say a prayer for that.